The Rivals
by senorjustino
Summary: Or, "A Love Story Without a Hero." It's senior year for Ryan and Marissa at the University of California. Of course they are on and off again and it just so happens that Taylor catches Ryan's eye when he's on again. What is a boy to do?
1. Chapter 1

Love passed into the house of lust / Then suddenly the tune went false / The dancers wearied of the waltz.

Oscar Wilde The Harlot's House

The group lacked symmetry until the beginning of that summer, when their little clan found Arabella. She had just started as a waitress at the bar they frequented that week and from the moment she had approached their table, Marissa had been taken in by the young woman. It was Marissa who usually brought people into their clan; she also usually was the one to expel them.

For whatever reason, one which Marissa never really explained in full, she took a fancy to Arabella and invited her out one evening for a drink. It was very easy for Arabella to catch them all out for a drink, seeing that they went out for a drink every night. Zach was a little bit in love with Arabella but didn't really notice him; no, she was too worried about disturbing the group dynamic.

At least that is what Ryan thought about it all. It was the end of the summer now; school was starting in three days and Marissa and Penelope were desperate to have some real fun before their last year at Berkeley started. Ryan would have felt a little bit hurt about it all but he was used to Marissa by now. How long had they dated, on and off? Nearly eight years now? He had enjoyed the summer at least.

Arabella sat smoking in silence while Zach and Ryan played the newest _John Madden_ video game. In the bathroom the girls were putting finishing touches on their makeup; no doubt Marissa and Penelope and Danny, Ryan's roommate, were doing a bit of cocaine. It was a secret they all knew about except for Ryan; they all kept it from him because he wouldn't have approved.

"Why does your girlfriend take so long?" Arabella set down her cigarette and drank some whiskey.

"She likes to look perfect." It really did annoy Ryan sometimes when Marissa took forever. She was beautiful enough without having to go that extra mile, but he did like it when she looked her best from him.

"Well I can't get any action tonight if we never reach the bar." Arabella had less tolerance then the rest of them and was already a little drunk. "All the hot guys will have found some shank to hook up with."

"You'll be fine." Zach turned his head away from the game and leered at Arabella. She was gorgeous; Arabella, with her dark chestnut hair and deep dark eyes, it was a mystery why more men hadn't gotten into her panties over the summer. Out of the three girls, she dressed the most simply. This evening she wore a tight green t-shirt that accented her beautiful, large breasts. Even Ryan, with his sexy girlfriend, wondered what it would be like to have those breasts in his hands, in his mouth. Hearing her talk about sex, Ryan couldn't but help imagining a pretty silk thong underneath those wonderfully tight jeans.

"Sure." She lit another cigarette and watched the game being played between the two boys. "I'm bored."

"We should have sex then—I'll shut you up."

"You mean I'll fall asleep?" Zach whistled at her response; he liked a girl who had a mean streak to her.

"You going to take that man?" Ryan smiled at Zach; it was strange, Zach being a part of their group. High school, and the part Zach had played in the wild love triangle between him and Seth and Summer seemed far away.

"Whatever—girl doesn't know what she's missing." He received a playful smack from Arabella.

"Jackass." They heard a rustle in the bathroom and some giggling laughter. "You guys want something to drink?" Her whiskey was through and it was time for another.

"Get me another beer."

"Yeah—Ryan?"

"No thanks." He smiled at Arabella; she liked him, he was polite and sweet and if Marissa didn't have such a hold on him, she'd be happy to take him into her bedroom.

"You could learn something from him—he's a good guy."

"Sure—that's why he's such a big wuss."

"Screw you man—it must suck losing to such a pansy."

"It's still early." Arabella returned from the kitchen and handed Zach his beer.

"There's no way in hell you're finishing this game." Arabella took a long drag from her cigarette and sat back up again. "I'm going to drag them out of there right now."

"Someone needs some sex."

"You're one to talk." Ryan grinned mockingly at his friend; he was happy in the fact that Marissa was giving him a constant flow of good sex.

"That was a low blow man." He took a long drink from his beer; Zach and Arabella both were having a bit of a dry spell. He hadn't gotten any sex since Forth of July; the memory of that waitress was still a pleasant one. "Just because you have Marissa doesn't mean you have to rub it in everyone else's faces."

"Well they said they needed one more minute." Arabella puckered at face at Ryan. "You should be careful about letting Danny hang out in the bathroom with Marissa; you don't know what that boy is capable of." She knew a little of what he was capable of; they had hooked up briefly but Danny was too obsessed with Penelope for anything good to come of it.

"I'm sure you do though." They knew all what happened between them, except Ryan of course, who didn't know Marissa was back doing coke.

"He showed me a thing or two."

"Slut." Zach grinned good-naturedly. "Those jeans are really tight by the way."

"I know you couldn't keep your eyes off of them." She grabbed his crouch and burst out laughing as Zach blushed at his excitement.

"This is too weird for me." If any of them was the straight man, it was Ryan. He was certainly the boy scout of the entire group. He hardly ever got drunk, did not smoke and never did any drugs. Even Zach, who wanted to go into politics, smoked pot once and awhile. He was also very often drunk.

"Poor innocent Ryan." The three settled into a short silent that lasted only until Penelope and Marissa bounded out of the bathroom.

"Sorry guys." Marissa, feeling good from the three lines of coke she had snorted, went straight for Ryan. "Miss me baby?" She sat down on his lap, ignoring the controller. "A lot." She looked beautiful, in that short skirt and halter top combination he loved so much. As he kissed her, lustily, Ryan let his hands explore up her legs and underneath the skirt. He felt a satin thong underneath that skirt and began counting the hours until he could take it off of her.

"Okay now that's indecent." Danny had just finished the last line of coke and was coming out of the bathroom.

"Sorry." Marissa got off of her boyfriend and put out her hand in an offer to lift him up. "You guys ready to get out of here?"

"Finally." Arabella rolled her eyes; she was ready to enjoy herself.


	2. Chapter 2

Taylor had not been in Berkeley for very long and already she was lonely. As she sat in her bedroom, watching the latest anime, she thought again that she had made a tremendous mistake by leaving Paris. How good life had been there! She had been popular; she had made friends, good friends. The person she missed the most was Odette Ducos, a very sweet young woman from Nice that had been at Taylor's side from the very beginning.

It was odd that such a longing to return to America had swept over her. What was the point of coming back to the United States? Her family did not love her; her mother had made very little effort to keep in touch and her father had been out of her life for ages. As to friends, well friendship was a thing that had ceased to exist for her in America. She had been friends with Summer Roberts; Summer, she had not heard or spoken to that girl in three years. Of course they had promised to keep in touch at graduation, but once freshman year rolled around, Taylor Townsend had stopped hearing from Summer.

Why in the world then was she getting her graduate degree in linguistics here? Well for one thing the economy had turned sour and her mother's investments went with them; Taylor was not one for hard work outside of the academic world and getting a job and staying in school in Paris was out of the question. The best thing for Taylor to do, her mother had told her, was return to America and take up schooling at an affordable, but prestigious, university. It had come down to UCLA and UC Berkeley and Berkeley had won out because it was further away from Newport; plus, San Francisco was a much nicer city in Taylor's eyes.

When Taylor had applied and been accepted to school in California an old nostalgia had rushed over her. She would make friends this time around; she would connect with her mother in a way she had never done before. That illusion had been smashed within the first few days of her return to Newport. Taylor had been sad and miserable the two weeks she was there. Summer and Seth were miles ago in Rhode Island and Ryan and Marissa—she was desperate and lonely enough to look up those two—were up the road in Berkeley. Kirsten Cohen had told Taylor all of this at a coffee shop one day; she had encouraged Taylor to look up Ryan and Marissa but Taylor had declined. They had never really been friends and no doubt had their own lives to live. She had half expected either Seth or Summer to contact her after her interview with Kirsten but her home phone did not ring for her.

Now here she was, alone, while the world around her was buzzing. She shared a small, attractive apartment with a senior by the name of Nina Blount. Nina was a pretty young thing, with curly dark hair and deep, dark, expressive eyes. Nina was very quick and very funny and by the sounds of the small party in the room next store, very popular. Taylor could hear the rattling of glass and ice cubes and the dull thump of dance music. The girl had been very sweet to Taylor so far but there seemed to be a limit of how far she was willing to go to be friends. Nina had encouraged Taylor to come outside, but had not pressed when Taylor had said no.

It was now ten o'clock and Taylor could hear more activity from the street below. They lived near campus on a street full of students. Nina assured Taylor it was usually awfully quiet but it was the time of year that people were getting ready for school by getting totally drunk. Taylor herself drank very little and hoped to god she wasn't surrounded by a bunch of alcoholics.

There was a knock on her door; to her surprise, it was Nina.

"Taylor."

"Nina." It was not to Taylor's surprise that her roommate was drunk. "You're having fun I see."

"What the fuck are you doing in here? I'm drunk and it's too early to be drunk."

"I can see that." Nina smelt like a wine barrel had landed on her head.

"What are you doing in here? Don't you know that there's a party going on?" She pointed out into the living room. Taylor could hear five or six voices; they all sounded intoxicated and up for adventure.

"Well I need a break from parties—you see I spent an entire year in Belgium drinking and my liver never really recovered from that." This was a flat out lie—she had been to Brussels for a fortnight but had never once tasted a sip of alcohol. "You should have seen me Nina—flat out drunk every night."

"Well why are you wasting your time in here then—we're having a party—it's such fun." She lifted her drink above her head in dramatic fashion and spilt a bit on Taylor's floor. "Oh god—so sorry." Nina knelt down and continued to spill the rest of her drink in the process.

"It's okay—I think you've done enough cleaning for now." Taylor too was on the floor and felt the wet stain with a falling sadness. She hated mess and this whiskey stain would leave a mess. "Up you go." She took Nina's drink from the girl and helped lift her up from the floor. "That's right—you should take a break—or get some water."

"No water for me—only whiskey."

"Don't you think you've had enough?" At this point Matt and Sue, two rather good-looking and horny young things came bounding into Taylor's bedroom.

"What's Nina been up to? She said she was going to fish you out."

"Well she's floundering instead."

"Very good." Sue found Taylor's pun the funniest thing in the world. "Very good—floundering. Very clever." Sue laughed and Matt laughed and Nina fell off Taylor's bed from laughing.

"Oh boy." She looked at the three pretty things, all obviously drunk. "Is everyone like this?"

"Floundering you mean? I think so." Shaking her head, Taylor passed into the living room. Two young men were making out on the couch and another girl was sitting on the floor, smoking a cigarette. The young girl watched the two men go out it with a vulgar smile.

"It's very nice, don't you think?" Her breath smelt of tobacco, pot and rum.

"Charming." Taylor stepped over her and went into the kitchen and swooped under the sink. She pulled out the rather strong cleaning supplies she had bought a few days earlier, and armed with paper towels, went back into her bedroom. Nina still lay on the floor, looking up at the ceiling while Sue and Matt had found their way unto Taylor's bed. They were busing fondling each other. "Okay—not cool."

"Damn." Taylor smacked Matt upside the head; he rolled off Sue and looked at Taylor in bewilderment. "What's going on?"

"What's going on is that I don't want you getting your nasty love juice all over my bed." Taylor looked down at Nina. "Can you get them out of here?"

"Sure thing." Nina stood up and smiled at her roommate. "Sorry Taylor." Nina collected her two friends and began to usher them out of Taylor's way. "We're heading out anyways."

"What? Where are you going?"

"To the bar—where else?"

"Now?"

"It's early—the night's just starting." Taylor, slightly cursing under her breath, felt compelled to follow Nina and her friends.

"Who's going to drive?"

"I am." Nina smiled brightly. "I'm the soberest of us all."

"What about those guys?" She pointed to the two gays making out on the couch; they were still putting on a good show.

"High on coke." Nina laughed as she walked over to the kitchen table and grabbed her purse. "Still here." She raised and jingled her keys. "Brain, Steve, let's go." They did not respond so she called their names one more time.

"I don't think they"

"Come on." Not waiting for a reply this time, Nina grabbed a plastic peppershaker from the table and hurled it at the two men.

"Bitch." The one called Steve turned and looked in disdain but Nina had caught their attention. Sullenly they rose from the couch and Taylor had to turn the other way because she found their erections embarrassing. The girl on the floor watched Taylor with a glint of mischief and then smiled and rose from the floor.

"So you're driving everyone?"

"Yep. I think we can fit everybody. It's going to be tight though." She turned to Sue. "You might have to sit on my lap."

"Okay." The two girls giggled. Taylor watched as they began to head out the door; no, this was not right, she could not let them walk out of there and all die.

"Wait." She found herself speaking and walking towards them before she really stopped to consider the mess she might find herself in later. "Give me a minute, I'll drive."

Ten minutes later they were at the bar, all safe.


	3. Chapter 3

They had been at the bar for about an hour now and her cocaine buzz had worn off; Marissa Cooper was sad for that. It must have been weak stuff that Arabella had found for them, she must talk to her about it. Marissa took another drink from her beer and sighed; she was happy. Life was good for her—she had a good boyfriend in Ryan, her mother and stepfather were okay and she had a wonderful best friend and stepsister in Summer. Summer; in a year she'd probably be engaged to Seth. Would she ever been engaged? She thought she was in love with Ryan but she wasn't sure; Marissa wasn't really sure if love was really something to worry oneself about. As she had gotten older, Marissa had certainly thought less and less about things; she instead just moved from one sensual experience to the next.

Her cell phone buzzed; it was a text message from her sister. No doubt Kaitlin was drunk again. She only seemed to contact her when she was drunk; at least she was happy at UCLA. Ignoring the text message, Marissa ordered another beer and a shot of tequila. She then turned to Zach.

"Any luck so far?"

"No—couple of girls were cute but it kind of didn't go anywhere."

"Well don't give up—you'll bound to find some action tonight." Zach too seemed a little drunk; he was probably already drunker than Marissa. "How's Arabella faring?"

"So-so. I saw her talking to some guy earlier but I don't know if anything came of it. I think she's with Danny now."

"Probably smoking a cigarette. Which reminds me." Checking her purse and seeing that her pack was empty, Marissa rose from her seat. "Make sure nobody takes me seat or my shot."

"I'll guard it with my life." Zach walked her walk out and walked her ass as she moved. She was a gorgeous girl and wished Ryan wouldn't begrudge him a night with Marissa. Surely Zach would have traded his girlfriend, if he had one, for a night with Marissa. Zach returned to his beer and walked the baseball game in silence. The Giants of course were in last place and were getting clobbered by the Cubs. Everyone said the Cubs had a chance this year but Zach didn't buy it. He didn't believe in the Cubs in the least had a chance and had bet two thousand dollars that in fact they would not win the World Series.

"Hey man." It was Ryan. "What's going on? Where did Marissa run off to?"

"Stealing a smoke from Arabella and Danny." Ryan sat in Marissa's seat and downed her shot. He ordered another one and one for Zach as well. "Bottoms up man—any luck tonight?"

"I got one or two numbers. We'll see where it goes." They both turned towards the entrance and watched as a small party of about six or seven people came in. Nina lead that pack; she waved to a friend or two and made a beeline for the bar with Matt.

"Do you mind if I slide my way in here?" Nina was still fairly drunk and the combination of liquor, cigarette smoke and perfume made an odd effect on both Ryan and Zach.

"No—go ahead."

"You look familiar." Ryan knew he had seen Nina before.

"You do too—freshman Chemistry maybe?"

"Maybe." She smiled at Ryan; obviously she was attracted to him. "I'm Nina."

"Ryan." Ryan motioned towards Zach. "This is my friend Zach."

"Nina—this is Matt and I'm thirsty." Nina turned her attention to the bartender. "Give me six shots of bourbon."

"I like you already—how come I've never seen you here before?"

"Because you're blind I suppose." She watched as the bartender poured out the shots. "Better make it an even ten—just for good luck." Nina handed three to Matt and told him to bring them to the group. "We have a table over in the corner if you want to join us?" Nina brightened when she turned to Ryan. He found her petty dark eyes very appealing and bewitching. The bartender finished with the shots and handed them to Nina on a serving board. He told her to bring it back as soon as she was done. "Yes sir."

"I could use a shot and a little company." Zach took the board from Nina.

"Would you like to join us?" She smiled coyly and hopefully at Ryan.

"Maybe in a little bit—I have to find my girlfriend first."

"Girlfriend huh? You'd better find her soon—wouldn't want her to get lost." The word 'girlfriend' crushed Ryan in Nina's eyes. Zach had instantly replaced him. "Lead the way my friend."

"But I don't know where your friends are."

"Well you aren't of much use are you?" Ryan watched as Nina and Zach snaked through the crowd. Ryan took Zach's seat and ordered a beer for himself a shot for Marissa. Almost on cue his girlfriend slid up past him and to the bar.

"Miss me baby?" She kissed him and it tasted like smoke.

"I don't know—having a good time?"

"No—it's boring actually. Do you want to leave?"

"Sure—if you want. Let's finish our drinks first."

"Yeah—I'll have another shot and another beer." She polished off her previous shot in quick order and waited as the bartender started to pour another. "Make it a double."

"I thought you were bored."

"I am—but now I have you to keep me company."

"And I can't wait to take you home." He knelt over and whispered naughty things into her ear about thongs and handcuffs. Marissa blushed slightly, but only slightly. In response she kissed him deeply and tore herself away as the bartender put down her drinks. "I guess I'll have another too."

"You aren't drunk are you Ryan?"

"No—not yet." He rarely drank but if he did he had the tolerance to drink a lot; it must have been something about his Atwood blood.

"Good—you can't get drunk—someone needs to get us home in one piece."

"I guess nobody else is in very good shape?"

"Penelope is in okay shape tonight—I think Danny is depressed about her—he's been very self-pitying tonight."

"There's nothing worse then us men and our self-pity."

"No—nothing at all." They drank in silence for a moment, there tongues exhausted by the evening. "Where did Zach go?"

"Some girl caught his eye—he's over at her table having shots." Marissa grinned, happy that Zach might get lucky tonight. "He's been very whiny lately."

"A man's self-pity is never far away." Ryan laughed at that and looked up to the television screen to watch a bit of the Giants game. Marissa turned and watched too. She was thinking about her sister when a voice sounded next to her:

"Can I get a glass of water please?" The voice sounded familiar and it made both Ryan and Marissa turn to the young woman next to them.

"Taylor!" They both cried out in unison. She hadn't really changed a bit since going off to France. Still very pretty and thin and well dressed.

"Hey. Zach said you guys were around here somewhere." She turned and faced them both. Smiling, she asked them how they were.

"Not bad—what about you? What are you doing in Berkeley?" Marissa, as ever, was the spokes person.

"Oh graduate school—I finished the Sorbonne in May and so I came back here—here in California I mean. I meant to look you guys up in Newport but I don't know it seemed weird. But wow, it's been ages."

"Since graduation." It was Ryan who spoke this time. He had never noticed Taylor Townsend before; tonight however, he noticed that she looked pretty.

"Yeah—long time. Real long time." She felt silly standing there before them. She hadn't really ever been friends with these two and now she could think of nothing to say. "I should run—my friend are waiting on me."

"Okay—well see you around I guess."

"Sure thing." She smiled and waved and headed back to her seat. When she returned to her seat Zach asked her how it was seeing them. "It was fine—awkward but fine." She turned to Nina. "We were really never friends in high school; there was this girl Summer who is like Marissa's best friend but it's been ages since we talked." She turned to Zach, suddenly aghast. "Oh my god—sorry Zach—I hope talking about Summer didn't bring up horrible memories"

"Don't worry about it." Taylor Townsend had been, and would always be a freak in Zach's eyes. "It's cool."

"Ah poor Zach—did that mean old Summer hurt you?" Nina teased him and rustled with his hair. "Waiter!" She had caught sight of a young man walking by. "Give us a dozen shots of Malibu." She turned to Taylor. "A salute to our dear girl Taylor and her forgotten friends from high school."

"Cheers." Everyone at the table raised whatever they had in front of them in mock salute.


	4. Chapter 4

When Zach awoke he found himself in an unfamiliar bedroom. It was obviously not his and it was obviously a woman's. The warm, soft body next to him confirmed that as much as the light purple paint on the wall on which were reproductions of impressionist paintings.

He looked up at the ceiling as he struggled to clear the fog of sensations and experiences from the night before. Zach remembered going home with a girl, and his mind she had been rather pretty and entertaining. He hoped that his memory was not serving him ill; that had certainly happened before. As he shook off the cobwebs of not enough sleep and too much to drink, the rest of his surroundings began to take shape. The sun burst through the bedroom window, sending slivers of unwelcome brightness into his open orbs. Zach was also aware of birds chirping outside, as well as the light dint of music coming from the kitchen. Someone was up already and was making breakfast.

Where was he? Determined to know for sure who he had gone home with, but nervous she might be an ugly cow, Zach gingerly rose from the bed and looked down upon the sleeping figure of Nina. He smiled. She was as pretty as his memory had told him; he was safe in the knowledge that he could brag about this conquest, that Ryan and Danny could not make fun of him for it. Nina was pretty, Nina was fun. He hoped that the sex had been good for her. He was sure it had been good for him.

He looked down at the sleeping figure of Nina and felt glad that he did not have to take off. He could stay and linger; he wanted to make plans. It was good that he did not have to escape from a potentially awkward situation. Zach would not have to lie about things, or make excuses about plans, not yet at least. The person in the kitchen now intrigued him. Knowing he was safe, Zach allowed his hunger to take over. No doubt the roommate would be happy to share a bit of toast or a bowl of cereal.

He carefully slid out of the bed and threw his clothes back on. Nina stirred but did not wake. Zach glanced at his watch; the time was only 8:30 in the morning. How on earth could anyone be so perky and cheerful in the morning? Zach left the bedroom and then stopped cold when he saw Taylor Townsend. He had forgotten about her. Yes, it made sense that she would be up this early.

"Hey." Taylor didn't seem surprised that Zach was over.

"What are you up so early for?"

"I'm always up early—I only sleep about four hours a night; it's unproductive."

"Sure." He took a seat at the table and rested his head on arms. He was tired and still a bit hung over.

"You have a good time last night?" There was an edge of flippancy in her voice that Zach didn't like to hear this early in the morning. Not only was she perky, but the bitch was smug too.

"It was all right. You have fun?"

"Sure—not really my scene actually." She rose from the table and went over to the coffee pot; it had just finished brewing. Zach watched hopefully as Taylor poured herself out a mug. "You want some?" She smiled archly as she noticed him watching her.

"Yeah—please." She poured him a mug and he thanked her as she sat down again. "Do you have any food?"

"I was going to make some eggs."

"That would be great." It was on the tip of Taylor's tongue to say the eggs weren't for him but she held back; she did want to get on with Nina.

"Okay—let me whip some up for you."

"Fried."

"Sure." They were silent while Taylor cooked. She thought about Nina's obvious lack in taste, he thought about how good the coffee was and how good Taylor looked in her pink silk pajamas. He had not noticed her in high school but now found her highly attractive. He wouldn't mind getting her on her back at all. "Here." She gave him the plate without much ceremony.

"Thanks." She gave him the hint of a smile and drank a bit of her coffee.

"So how did you end up friends with Marissa and Ryan? I thought you just hung

out with Summer and Seth?"  
"I went to Stanford for a year but it didn't work out there so sophomore year I transferred to Berkeley and I had an English class with Marissa. We hung out a bit; she wasn't dating Ryan at the time but when they got back together we all just started hanging out. I met Danny through Ryan."

"Who's Danny?"

"Ryan's best friend—at least out here he is. They're roommates. He's in love with this girl Penelope, who's Marissa's roommate."

"It all sounds very _Melrose__'s Place." _She suddenly got very excited. "Oh, did you ever see that episode when Brenda and Jack got into a fight because they both loved Ashley, the nimble bi-sexual who lived in apartment E? It was the episode when Ashley accidentally ran over"

"No—I never watched any of those shows." If he were to ever sleep with Taylor, he would be sure to put a gag over her mouth.

"Oh—well it was good."

"I'm sure it was." They drank their coffee in silence; thinking about Nina, he wondered how important Taylor's opinion about him would be. Not wanting to take a chance, he decided he'd try a little harder to be nice to her. "What about you, did you stay in touch with anyone from high school?"

"No—absolutely not. Harbor wasn't the happiest of times for me—but you knew that, I'm sure you thought I was a loser."

"Summer didn't though—weren't you good friends with her senior year?"

"We were friends—I wasn't apart of their core four or anything. We lost touch as soon as college started."

"The Sorbonne right?" Zach had been told all this the night before but he had hardly paid attention; plus, he had been pretty drunk so hardly any of this had sunk in.

"Yeah—remember? We talked about this last night because you didn't know where the Sorbonne was."

"Sorry—I have a bad memory when I drink. Speaking of drinking, how did we all get home in one piece?"

"Well you have me to thank for that—I was your DD and I was very happy to fulfill that roll. None of you were in shape to drive."

"That's why you weren't that surprised to see me."

"No—but honestly I'm surprised that you stuck around. I know most guys usually cut and run."

"This from personal experience?"

"Maybe." She felt suddenly shy.

"Whatever—you can play coy if you want. I'll admit that I've run off on a few girls but Nina's pretty hot."

"And that's the only reason you stayed around? So you can have another go?"

"Maybe—she seems pretty cool though."

"Yeah—she is nice."

"So what about you Townsend? Any men?"  
"No—not for a while."

"That's surprising—pretty girl like you." She would be a pretty good catch, Zach thought to himself, if she wasn't so weird.

"Yeah—well Frenchmen don't always see it that way." She told Zach about the few men she had dated; it had always burnt out and faded into nothingness after a few months. She had long wondered what her problem was and Taylor was starting to fear that she'd never meet a man or find happiness.

"You need an American—Frenchmen don't know shit about romance or sex or anything like that."

"Except that France is the capital of romance."

"They're a bunch of liars and pussies." Zach, like all good Americans, hated the French.

"Okay." She rose from the table and brought her plate to the sink and began to rinse. Zach watched her ass and thought about how nice the lower half of her body probably was. "How often do you talk to Summer and Seth?"

"Once or twice a week." He smiled as she turned around and began drying her hands. "I don't really talk to Summer that much but Seth's still pretty much the same. Really into the comics and all that anime shit."

"Is it awkward for you guys—I mean, after all that happened back at Harbor?"

"Not really—I was over Summer by graduation really—she's just a girl I lost my head over—nothing major there. If Seth feels awkward about it he doesn't say anything about it. He has her but I don't really care."

"Well that's a good way to look at things."

"Yeah—do you have anymore coffee?"

"No—do you want me to make more?"

"Yeah—that would be great." Taylor started making the coffee and as she did, she again felt Zach's eyes on her. While it was nice to have a man appreciate her body, it also made her very uncomfortable because Zach obviously had something going with Nina. Her train of thought was interrupted by the appearance of the said Nina.

"Well aren't we all the early bird types for once?" She seemed surprised that Taylor was awake even though Taylor had been awake this early since she had moved in.

"I couldn't sleep." Zach looked up and smiled at Nina. She looked a little worse for the wear now that she was up.

"I couldn't either and then I heard all this talking and clanging of dishes and my head has such a pain."

"Sorry—I didn't mean to be so loud."

"Oh it's fine." Nina ran her fingers through Zach's hair and then went into the refrigerator and pulled out the milk. "You want anything to eat?"

"I had eggs thanks."  
"Oh so Taylor fed you? I'm already on my way on being replaced." The young woman poured herself out a bowl of cereal and began eating. "I want to have a party tonight."

"Really? Here?"

"Of course—last night was a bore and I want to have some fun before school starts."

"I don't know—who will want to come out?"

"Everyone." She turned to Zach, her eyes appealing. "Don't you think a party is the best idea? We can go to the store after breakfast and buy everything we need; we'll only invite fun people, nobody who's boring. There were too many boring people last night, don't you think so?"

"I don't know—I had an okay time." It all sounded like a bad idea to Taylor; she had had visions of staying in and watching anime.

"We can invite your friends—that cute blonde who had a girlfriend and all the other people you were telling me about."

"You mean Summer and Seth?"

"Yes—those people you haven't seen in years. It will be fun to have them come by; they'd have a great time."

"They live in Rhode Island—they can't come." Taylor had to enjoy her enthusiasm.

"Well I'm sure we can get people together—Zach, you have to call your friends and have them over. I'll hate you if you don't." Zach could only smile; he would be more than happy to have another night of Nina's body.

"I don't think that will be a problem—as long as Taylor doesn't mind terribly."

"No—of course she doesn't mind." Taylor found herself looking into the hopeful faces of Nina and Zach. She didn't really want to have a party but it might be some fun to see Ryan and Marissa and maybe, somehow, make a connection with them.

"Sure."


	5. Chapter 5

Taylor found herself sitting next to Marissa; their conversation consisted of broken sentences and constant stops.

"Do you mind?" Marissa took out and opened a new package of cigarettes.

"No." Taylor did mind but everyone else had a cigarette in their mouth so it was at least sweet of Marissa to ask. All around them the party was in full bloom. Their apartment had been invaded by an army of people and now Taylor wasn't sure that even Nina knew everyone that was coming in and out.

They both sat in silence while Marissa smoked. She's an odd one, the blonde thought to herself. They had little in common with each other except a shared high school and the shared friendship of Summer Roberts.

"Are you nervous about grad school?"

"A little—I'm more worried about fitting in with people."

"You'll be fine—Nina seems pretty great."

"Yeah." Nina had disappeared twenty minutes ago with Danny. "She likes your friends pretty well."

"Zach and Danny are pretty great guys—you'll see." Taylor could only laugh at that; something told her that she wouldn't find Danny all that great. She certainly didn't find Zach all that wonderful. "You should hang out with us more often." Only in a group though, Marissa thought to herself. It was becoming torturous trying to make conversation with Taylor, seeing that they had really nothing to talk about. Why was she trying to be nice anyways? She had never liked Taylor and neither had Ryan. Ryan. She had picked up on something in regards to Ryan and Taylor; in the brief moment Taylor and Ryan had shared with each other, Marissa had picked up a subtle hint of friendship and attraction. Marissa had a feeling in her gut that Ryan would want her to be at least pleasant to Taylor Townsend.

"Yeah—it depends—school will be pretty busy and I want to do well."

"Just don't kill yourself." She finished off her gin and finished her cigarette with almost one breath. "You want something?"

"No thanks." Taylor watched as Marissa walked to the makeshift bar and fix herself a new drink. A girl, someone Taylor did not know, but Marissa seemed to know, latched onto the blonde and started talking. Taylor watched in envy as Ryan's girlfriend fell into easy conversation. How does she do it? Taylor thought to herself glumly. Marissa and Summer and Holly had always made talking and flirty and parties seem so easy. Taylor had only felt comfortable in France, but there she had been the cream of a set of socially awkward students. There she had been the big fish, now she was once again a minor player.

Left to herself, Taylor began to do what she did best: people watch. Of course in a corner were the two gay men busy being indecent. Arabella and Penelope were busy flirting with Zach; Matt and Sue were smoking by the window in the kitchen and were busy talking to a pretty young Asian woman who had a lot of tattoos. As for Ryan, he too seemed to have vanished into thin air. Taylor glanced down at her watch: it was 10:00 O'clock. She had promised herself that she would at least hang out until 11. She had one more hour to kill until she would retreat into her bedroom and watch anime. Or maybe she'd masturbate. She hadn't gotten laid since April. She thought of Hector; he had been a rather sweet Spanish waiter whom Taylor had dated for a little while. One day he had run off for Barcelona with a small bit opera singer. Taylor had been rather happy with him and had cried a bit when she had found out he had left without saying goodbye.

The memories of his body pressed against hers were interrupted by the shouts of celebration coming from the kitchen. Nina, Danny and Ryan had reappeared and with them were supplies. No doubt Ryan had acted as the driver because both Nina and Danny were very drunk. Taylor wondered if Nina and Danny had hooked up.

"I see Ryan's back." Marissa took her seat back next to Taylor. She had a new drink and fresh cigarette. "Are you having fun?"

"It's okay." Taylor shrugged her shoulder. She had tried to talk to people but they all had little in common with her. The only person she knew she got along with was Nina but she had been fluttering around the place the entire evening.

"Don't you like anybody?"

"What do you mean?" Taylor felt stung by the question; she was beginning to think that Marissa thought her a snob.

"I mean—the people here; aren't you friends with some of them? Do you like talking to them?"

"They're okay—I just don't have a lot in common with most of the people here."

"Well what sort of things do you like?"

"I don't know—wine, philosophy, art, French literature." Marissa was saved a response by Nina, who literally came tumbling over to Taylor's side.

"Taylor! Why aren't you having a drink?"

"Belgium, remember?"  
"Right." Nina reached over and took a cigarette from Marissa. "Marissa, your boyfriend's a sweetheart. He wouldn't let Danny or I drive the car at all—even though we're both perfectly fine."

"Ryan's an angel." Marissa produced a lighter and handed it over to the dark haired girl. "What did you guys get?"

"More rum and some champagne. I had a craving for Dom Perignon so I made Ryan take me to the wine store." Nina smoked her cigarette and stared off, looking at Ryan and Danny talk. "He's very good looking too."

"I know." Marissa turned to Taylor. "Remember when you had that crush on Seth?"

"Yes."

"Why didn't you like Ryan instead?"

"Seth helped me out of a jam." She turned to Nina. "I have this bad habit of falling for guys that help me out of a bad spot. There was this guy in France that I met right when I moved to Paris—he did something for me, I hardly remember now but I fell for him really hard. I almost married him too."

"Oh my God—really?" Marissa was shocked; she couldn't imagine getting married at eighteen.

"Yeah—I think Odette talked me out of it—but I almost considered it. Crazy to think what would have happened."

"Well you probably wouldn't be living with me." Nina, in her drunken and happy state, hugged Taylor. "I completely forgot! I need a drink." Nina bounded up from the couch and grabbed the bottle of Dom Perignon out of the fridge. Nina popped the cork and laughed as some of it foamed out onto the floor. Instead of searching for a glass, she began to drink straight from the bottle.

Looking over to Zach, Nina noticed that he was tied up with Arabella and Penelope and Ryan. He had been the focus of the girls' attention all night and Nina could tell he loved it. Oh well, she thought to herself. He will come around again. Her attention shifted to Danny, who had found his way over to Taylor's side. Nina watched as he tried to talk to Taylor. She didn't seem interested. Maybe she's gay, Nina thought to herself. Nina thought that maybe Zach and Taylor would hook up tonight; he certainly had been giving her looks at breakfast.

The champagne felt good in her head as she drank it. Marissa had taken over the conversation now. Nina liked Marissa; they were two pees in the same pod. She wondered how willing Marissa would be about sharing Ryan for a night. He was a good man, and no doubt a wonderful fuck.

Stumbling her way back, Nina sank onto Danny's lap.

"Miss me?" He muttered and kissed her neck. Danny hoped Zach was watching; they always were competing for the same girls. Zach would probably take Arabella home. Danny was determined to spend the night here. Either Nina or Taylor would do, he didn't care which.

"Maybe." She handed him the bottle and reached out for another cigarette. Marissa lit one for her and handed it to her. "Are you guys bored?"

"Terribly. Are you?" Nina started passing the bottle of champagne around. It first went to Taylor; she took a sip and passed it off to Marissa.

"Yes—I don't know if there are more than ten interesting people in the entire city of Berkeley. I'm having an awful time." Marissa sent the bottle back to Taylor, who gave it to Danny.

"We should go somewhere." Danny took a long drink and tried to fondle Nina's breast.

"Yes—we should go to _Atlanta's Red Riot_." Nina sounded offended by the idea. She took the bottle of champagne from Danny and pushed his hand away.

"No—it's so dull there."

"How about _The Drunk Philosophers_?"

"Even worse." Nina handed the bottle of champagne to Taylor, who passed it off to Marissa.

"Well I'm out of ideas." They all sat in silence for a few moments and watched as a rather loud group of people, who had been obviously enjoying themselves, headed outside to smoke some pot. It was the only rule that Nina had lain down at the beginning of the evening; she hated the smell of marijuana.

"There goes the dullest set of them all." Taylor sat in the middle of all of this, wondering what in the world Odette was up to tonight. No doubt she was out in the cafes having coffee and reading Hugo. Odette was in love with Victor Hugo and Taylor had loved to tease her about it.

"Does anyone want anything?" The blue fog of cigarette smoke was starting to make Taylor's throat go dry. She needed a drink of water.

"No thank you." Nina moved into Taylor's seat and leaned in close to Marissa. "I hate to ask around Taylor because I know she doesn't approve, but do you have any coke?"

"In fact I do." Marissa brightened; if there was anything to liven up a dull party, it was cocaine.

"What are you girls whispering about?" Danny was determined to get into whatever action they were plotting.

"Come into my room and I'll show you." Nina smiled coyly and led Danny by the hand. Marisa followed. Taylor missed them by a minute or two. She had been at the fridge pouring out water from the filtered water cooler and was engaged in conversation with Matt and Sue for a short bit. She had hit upon the idea of maybe playing scrabble and had decided to broach the subject but when returning to the couch, she found the group gone.

Disappeared into Nina's room, Taylor thought to herself as she looked over to the closed door. What must go on in there, she could only imagine, even though she probably didn't want to. Taylor sat down and glanced at her watch again. It was twenty minutes till. It wasn't time yet but Taylor's night was done.

Ryan watched her as she sat on the couch for a moment and then rose and went into her bedroom. He hadn't really seen much of her the entire night and he had meant to spend a few minute talking to her. She seemed to have matured a bit, at least from Zach's reports, and he wanted to find out more about her. He had fallen out of the conversation with Zach, Arabella and Penelope a long time ago. Now, standing there with a beer and knowing that Marissa had gone off with Danny and Nina, Ryan thought this might be the perfect opportunity to go and talk to Taylor. He excused himself from his friends, and went towards Taylor's door.


	6. Chapter 6

Taylor had just signed onto her email and was about to write Odette a letter when there was a knock at her door.

"Taylor?" It was Ryan. "Do you mind if I come in?"

"No—not at all." She turned around in her seat and smiled at him. "You looking for Marissa?"

"For you actually."

"Oh me?" She watched as Ryan entered the room; he glanced around her bedroom for a moment and then sat down on her bed without comment. "You need something?"

"No—I don't know; I guess I just wanted to say hi."

"Hi." She smiled at him and they looked at each other in silence, neither not sure what to say next. "Are you having fun?"

"It's okay—after a while these sorts of things get old."

"Yeah—I can imagine. I've only been living here for three weeks and already I'm bored with them."

"Nina's great though."

"Yeah—she's pretty sweet. She seems to be a good roommate but hopefully it isn't like this every night."

"No—once school starts people usually start going out more often. I know a lot of girls like Nina; you'll have the place to yourself soon if you want it. I don't know though, you might be going out every night too."

"Oh right Ryan—could you really see me hitting the bars with Nina every night?"

"Maybe." Taylor raised an eyebrow and Ryan laughed. "No, probably not. I get it—you were always were pretty serious about school."

"Yep—that's me, the all serious and no fun Taylor."

"I doubt that's true."

"Some people seem to think so." No doubt Marissa thought so. Why was it so important to Taylor to impress Marissa? She had always envied Marissa in high school and Taylor guessed she still wasn't over that.

"Do you think so?" His blue eyes were serious. For the first time Taylor noticed how wonderfully blue they were. They seemed to be looking deep within her and she did not mind it.

"No—I guess not. Sometimes I like who I am."

"Well no body likes who they are completely." Except Marissa probably, Ryan thought to himself.

"Yes—probably true." They fell into a strange silence; this was not the conversation Taylor had been expecting and she was starting to feel uncomfortable. "But enough about me—how about Seth and Summer? They're still crazy as ever?"  
"Not as crazy as before no. They're pretty good—nothing too major but you know Seth—he still can drive Summer crazy once and awhile." Summer and Seth had in fact enjoyed two years of happy times. There had been no major problems for them at all and sometimes Ryan was jealous of their comfortable relationship.

"They'll be married soon no doubt." Marriage; it seemed so far away for her.

"Not too long after graduate I'm sure." Outside of her bedroom the party was still going strong. Next store Nina and Marissa were doing lines of coke while Danny did shots of tequila and thought about separating Nina from Marissa so he could get Nina into bed.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"What happened with you and Marissa? I mean you guys weren't going out when we graduated and she was going to sail around the world with her dad but here she is: four years later and a senior at Berkeley."

"Well." Ryan smiled; it was a sweet story and he found himself explaining to Taylor that while he had been driving Marissa to the airport that night, many memories had opened up between them. They talked and as they talked Ryan found himself hating the fact that she was walking out of his life, even for a little while. He couldn't imagine not starting college with Marissa. "When I pulled up at the terminal I asked her to stay. She looked at me for a moment and then smiled and said she would. It was all very simple."

"That's very romantic."

"It was—we had a great year together." His smile faded a bit as he remembered the summer following freshman year. "Do you remember that guy who stole all the money at prom?"

"Of course. I completely almost had a heart attack."

"Well he was still in Newport the summer after our freshman year and started coming around Marissa again. I don't know but I guess he got into her head because she started getting into bad shit—drugs and all. By the middle of July our relationship was entirely wretched and I didn't understand her anymore. I went back to Berkeley in the fall determined to be finished with her but of course I wasn't. Marissa came back and within a month or two she was back to being the Marissa I loved."

"What happened?"

"She says she just realized what she had thrown away. Of course it probably also helped that I was just starting to see someone new; she was a really sweet girl and I hurt her badly. I just couldn't say no to Marissa."

"Do you regret it?"

"I regret that I hurt the girl yes but I don't regret going back to Marissa. She's different; she doesn't do those things anymore—at least she promises me she doesn't." He looked at Taylor and he felt confused by her. He hardly knew her and here he was, telling her these things. "How about you—you dating anyone?"

"No—I think I need to just concentrate on school first and then worry about guys later."

"That's always a good plan—but I don't think you'd have to worry about meeting guys. I think Nina knows a lot of them."

"Yeah she does." Not that Taylor would ever be interested in any of the guys Nina liked. Their tastes were polar opposites. Taylor absently played with a strand of hair and then smiled shyly at Ryan. She was starting to notice that whenever she looked at him she felt small butterflies in her stomach.

"I hope your place doesn't get trashed tonight." They both listened to the rowdy sounds outside. Suddenly Taylor's door crashed open and Arabella burst through, drawing Zach behind her in excitement.

"Oh god." Arabella and Zach laughed at the sight of Taylor and Ryan sitting, talking.

"Don't mean to crash your party." Zach wrapped his arms around Arabella's waist.

"It's fine. Do you guys need anything?"

"I don't suppose we could have your bed for an hour or so?"

"No—that's a big no."

"You're no fun Taylor." Ryan sighed and stood up and ushered Arabella and Zach out of the room. He watched them as Arabella and Zach began knocking on Nina's door. Danny answered.

"What do you want?"

"We need a bed." They pushed past Danny and both crashed onto Nina's bed. In Nina's adjoining bathroom the two girls had laid down a small vanity mirror and were snorting their favorite white powder. "Ryan's right next store you know."

"Don't be so boring." Arabella started to tug at Zach's belt. "Shut up and just fuck me."

"Finally." They started kissing and fondly each other on Nina's bed; Danny just sat down in the corner and drank his tequila. He hoped that Zach would finish quickly so he could get all of them out of there so he could get into Nina's pants quicker.

"What are they doing in there?" Nina swept down and did a line of cocaine while Marissa turned around and watched as Zach took Arabella's shirt off.

"Having sex on your bed."

"Oh." Now Marissa did a line and Nina watched Zach and Arabella. "So they are."

"That was the last line."

"Do we have anymore?"

"Probably enough for three more lines." Nina poured out the bag and set up the lines. "Do you want to go first?"

"Sure." Marissa did another line and came back up. "You don't care they're having sex on your bed?"

"Whatever." Nina did the next line. "Is Danny watching them?"

"I don't know." Marissa poked her head out of the bathroom and smiled at the sight of a drinking Danny, waiting patiently for his turn with Nina. "That's twisted."

"What is?" Nina had done the third and final line; she had forgotten about Marissa and Marissa had forgotten too.

"Danny's in there, watching them."

"Maybe he wants to fuck Arabella."

"Maybe he wants to fuck Zach." Nina laughed at that; she hoped not.

"I want him for myself."

"Maybe we should get him out of there."

"Maybe." Marissa looked down at the vanity mirror. She was sad there was no more cocaine but she felt very good in general. She really wanted a drink too. "Do you want to get a drink first?"

"Yes." They both stumbled out of the bathroom and walked past a moaning and sweaty Arabella. The party was still going strong and the two girls walked sloppily to the make-shift bar. There wasn't much to drink left, only a half bottle of bourbon and a couple of warm beers.

"This is boring."

"We should go somewhere—how about _The Drunk Philosophers_?"

"Yes—that place is such fun—no bores there."

"Can you drive?"

"Not very well—you?"

"No—my legs aren't really working anymore." Marissa knew she should probably find Ryan—Ryan always helped out.

"How about your fiancée—Bryan? Couldn't he drive us there?"

"Yes—he could drive us home." Marissa began her hasty journey back towards Nina's bedroom when Danny walked out of it. He had just noticed that Nina and Marissa had gone.

"Marissa—where did you guys go?"

"We were looking for you. Drive us home?"

"You and Ryan?"

"Nina and I. We want to go home."

"Nina is home." Danny, outside of Taylor and Ryan, was the soberest one in the apartment.

"Don't you want to take me home?" Nina had seen Danny and Marissa talking and she had forgotten that Marissa was a friend and had a boyfriend; she also remembered that Danny was something she wanted. She moved in to protect her property.

"This is your home. I'll take you back to Marissa's if you want." He saw his opportunity and that opportunity lay in Marissa's bed. Marissa would have to sleep on the couch tonight.

"Yes—that sounds great." She fell into Danny and let him wrap his arm around her waist. Marissa was at her doorstep when she remembered that she had left Ryan back at Nina's.

"I'll drive you home." Taylor had told him twenty minutes after Marissa had left. They had gone outside to get something to drink and Ryan had gone into Nina's bedroom to investigate the whereabouts of Marissa. Instead he had found a naked Arabella and a sleeping Zach; Arabella assumed that Marissa had gone home with Danny. She didn't really know who Nina was.

"Is that okay?" It was late; it was nearly four in the morning.

"I'll be okay." They drove back to Ryan's in relative silence. Their time together had left an impression on both. They were friends now; Taylor found him gorgeous. "Let me know if Marissa is okay." He had called her at least four times but had gotten a voicemail every time. He thought about going over to Marissa's but he was too tired; besides, she knew how to take care of herself and if she was in any real trouble, she'd call him. He knew his Marissa very well.

"I will." She pulled up to Ryan's apartment. "I had a good time tonight." He smiled at her and she smiled back at him.

"Me too; my first Berkeley party was a success. Yay." She clapped in mock celebration.

"Yay." He laughed at her; he found her sweet and charming. "We should go out for coffee sometime."

"Coffee sounds good."

"It will be something different."


	7. Chapter 7

It was Wednesday night and Taylor had just finished class. It was the third day of school and so far graduate school didn't seem too scary. Her professors seemed nice and her fellow students seemed sweet enough too. They were all going out to the bars tonight but Taylor had declined their invitation; she needed a break from the endless celebrations. She was looking forward to a quiet evening of reading a book and going early to bed.

She had gotten a job working at the philosophy department and she was starting her first day in the morning; Taylor was determined to look fresh and cute. The early evening air felt good on her face; it blew through her air and she stopped briefly to look up at the moon and stars.

"Pretty isn't it?"

"What?" She turned around and found herself face to face with a handsome young black man. He smiled at her.

"I didn't mean to scare you. I just noticed that you were admiring the moon."

"It's a huge moon."

"Pity there aren't more stars though."

"I know—I always feel envious of those people who got to live before electricity."

"No air conditioning."

"Yeah—that probably wasn't very enjoyable." He laughed at her small joke and she flashed her brilliant smile at him. He was very good looking and Taylor found herself feeling immediately attracted to him. "I'm Taylor."

"Sam." He had big, strong hands and his arms were imposing. No doubt he could lift her up without any difficulty.

"Nice to meet you." She felt nervous talking to him and meeting his sparkling dark eyes. She suddenly found her shoes very interesting.

"You too." Same watched her for a moment. "You new here?"

"Yeah—graduate school; how about you?"

"I'm a senior. Physics. You?"

"Linguistics. It that why you watch the moon so much?" He laughed and she felt a little more comfortable.

"A little—plus I just find the sky beautiful."

"And it's pretty romantic."

"That too." Sam rose from the bench he was sitting on and reached into his backpack and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. "Do you want one?"

"No thanks."

"Do you mind?"

"No—go ahead." He lit his cigarette and moved to Taylor's side.

"You have any good plans for tonight?"

"No not tonight—tonight is an early night for me. How about you?"

"Probably just going to go and read for school—I'm not really into the party scene too much. You see the same people all the time."

"That does get old." They started walking, Taylor didn't really know where.

"Do you live close by?"

"Not too far away—only a couple of blocks."

"Same with me. It's the nice thing about Berkeley; everything is only a few blocks away from everything else."

"What are you going to do after school?"

"I don't know—go to grad school too I guess. I've been making it up as I go along."

"I envy you—I have to plan everything."

"So if I asked you out for coffee it couldn't be spontaneous."

"Not too spontaneous." Taylor blushed slightly in the dark. This was all so strange to her; usually guys didn't ask her out so quickly.

"Well how about if I checked my schedule and see if I'm free next month sometime."

"You don't have to go to such extremes. This weekend might not be bad."

"I can deal with that." They stopped underneath a light post. For a moment Taylor thought he would lean in and kiss her; she didn't want that, it was too soon. "How will I find you again?"

"You can call me."

"That would be very logical."

"And who needs logic underneath a full moon?"

"No one." He pulled out a sheet of paper from his backpack and started writing down a phone number. "You know I'm interested—just call me if you really want to get together." He smiled shyly and for the first time he seemed vulnerable. "I can be pretty forward so take my number; you seem like a sweet girl so I don't want you to do anything you don't want to."

"Sure—I'll be sure to use it."

"Good night Taylor." She said goodnight to him and watched him disappear down a pathway.

"Oh my god." She squealed in the darkness and jumped up in the air. These sorts of things didn't usually happen to Taylor; usually she was the one doing the chasing and the one maneuvering for a date. He had just asked her out; he had hardly known her but he had found her pretty and sweet and obviously worth a cup of coffee. She started walking to her car in a very excited state and didn't notice at first that someone was calling her name.

"Hey Taylor—wait up!" She turned around; it was Ryan.

"Oh Ryan."

"I called for you like five times." He came up to her and smiled. "You didn't hear me did you?" She shook her head and he laughed at her. "I should have guessed; you have this giant smile plastered on your face. What's up?"

"I don't know—this guy jus totally asked me out."

"Wow. Really? Do you know him?"

"No—that's the thing. I was just standing outside of the science hall when he started talking to me."

"That's pretty cool." They started walking and again Ryan noticed how pretty she was. "Are you coming out tonight?"

"No I need a little break from all that. How about you?"

"I might stop by for a little bit. I have an 8am class so I don't want to stay out too late." Not that that was keeping Marissa or Penelope from going out; nothing fazed them in the least.

"Yeah—I have work in the morning."

"Oh good so you did get that job." They paused by a student dorm for no real reason, they both just seemed to want to stop walking.

"I'm pretty excited." She had thought about Ryan a lot since Nina's party at first but in the last twenty-four hours she had told herself she needed to stop; he had a girlfriend who he was obviously in love with. Bad Taylor, she had repeated again and again, you're over trying to steal men away from their girlfriends. "Where are they going tonight again?"

"_Atlanta__ Red Riot_"

"I thought they hated that place."

"It changes. I think it was Nina's idea." Nina had caused a bit of a stir between Zach and Danny; they both seemed to be jealous of her. This wasn't the first time both men had competed over a girl, but this was the first time in a bit that Ryan could remember the competition becoming potentially explosive. Even Arabella and Penelope seemed to be getting angry about the subject.

"It will be nice having the place to myself tonight."

"So you're really determined not to show up at all?"

"Yep—why, were you hoping to convince me otherwise?"

"I thought about it."

"I've never been there before."

"It's not a bad place—you'll have a lot of opportunity to make fun of drunk people."

"It must be weird for you—being surrounded by a bunch of alcoholics." Ryan shrugged his shoulders. "Sorry-that probably came off meaner than it should have."

"No—I think you're pretty on target." He stood in silence for a moment, searching for words. "I don't know—it seems like we've all been standing still the last four years. I really thought senior year of college would be different."

"Different from what?"

"High school. I mean Marissa and Zach and all them still act like this is senior year at Harbor. Summer's no better out in Providence; she's all about her sorority and Seth."

"And Seth is the same too."

"Yeah—no one's really changed Taylor—I just thought it would be different." Again Ryan was shocked about how he was opening up to her. He didn't usually talk to anyone like this except Seth; certainly there was no one his age in school he could talk to. They were all full supporters of a life he was increasingly finding boring and ugly.

"I understand Ryan." They were walking again, again randomly. "That's why I wanted to get out of America—I needed something really different and the Sorbonne gave that to me. I met some great people and some amazing friends and I wouldn't trade those three years for anything in the world."

"You're lucky. It took a lot of guts to do what you did."

"No." She shook her head; she had never believed that. It had been very easy for her to leave.

"It did. I couldn't have done what you did."

"Are you kidding me? You're Ryan Atwood, you can do anything." He laughed and told her he gave her too much credit for things. "Well thank you. It's not everyday you learn that you have guts."

"I've always known that about you. I mean, you took on Marissa for social chair and tried to steal Seth away from Summer—you know how violent she gets when she has a rage black out."

"And you all hated me for it."

"We didn't hate you."

"Oh please—you were probably the president of the 'We Hate Taylor Club'"

"No—only the treasurer." She laughed and told him she didn't know he knew how to tell a joke.

"I'm full of surprises."

"Well we should pull one on Marissa and Nina then." The full moon madness was upon her.

"What are you thinking?"

"Why don't we skip out on the bar and just get a cup of coffee—you said you'd like something different." She smiled so sweetly at him when she said those words he felt it silly to refuse. He knew he didn't like her, not like that, but the prospect of spending a quiet evening alone with Taylor appealed to him.

"You have to tell me about Paris though."

"I can give you a full visual history if you want to come over to my apartment. I have an espresso machine and I'm feeling generous."

"Well how can a guy refuse?"

"Good." Her hazel eyes danced in the darkness and for a split second wished to God he was single.


	8. Chapter 8

The first big campus party of the school year was always thrown by the members of the Chi Psi fraternity at their house. It was an invitation only party, and for the serious minded, not being invited was enough to ruin ones semester. The invitations for the said event went out in three stages: those with the best social standing got invited in the morning and the ones who were fun but not fun got theirs in the afternoon; those who were lesser known or not as cared for didn't get their invitations until the evening, when their nerves would be shot.

Nina, on the morning that the invitations were given out, was surprised to see a fat envelope at her door.

"Oh I see." She held the envelop in her hand and then sat it down on the table. She had simply forgotten all about the party, and now remembered that this would occasion her to purchase a new dress. Nina lit a cigarette and thought about how boring these parties could be. She opened up the package and saw that she had been given six invitations. Taylor would of course have to come, as well as that boy she was spending her time with. No doubt she'd bring a date herself; the other two tickets would go to Sue and Matt. As she finished smoking, she wondered for a moment if Marissa was going, and then forgot all about the tickets and the party.

For Marissa, the entire day was nerve wrecking. She had not been invited her freshman year; sophomore and junior years the invitation had come in the afternoon. Now she hoped that she would be one of the fortunate few that would receive the prize early in the morning. To her disappointment it did not come. She held it together as best she could and bravely went off to class, knowing that she'd at least have the afternoon's invitation.

"Hey Marissa." It was Nina. They smiled at one another in the commons and began talking about this or that. Marissa wondered out loud if they knew anyone that had received a morning's invitation.

"I forgot—yes I did. I have to buy a dress and I'm glad that you reminded me because otherwise I'd completely forget." For a moment, Marissa hated Nina and when they parted ways, Marissa felt the stab of jealously that stabs at a girl whenever she sees someone—they usually find their rival inferior—getting rewards that they feel they deserve.

Her day got worse when she arrived back at her dorm and found that there was still no invitation. Penelope was not happy either.

"This is bullshit." The blonde popped open two bottles of beer and handed one to Marissa.

"This has to be a mistake." They both nodded their heads in agreement. "Nina has hers already."

"Bitch." Penelope and Arabella were not fans of Nina; Nina was a rival for the affections of Danny and Zach. Also, they didn't like how friendly Marissa was getting to be with her. Nina, in their minds, was beginning to outshine them, and they just couldn't have that.

"Yeah I was pretty angry—I mean, I love Nina to death, but there's no way she's that friendly with the Chi Psi's."

"They probably just wanted her there because she's easy."

"Someone's jealous." Marissa could not help fight back a grin. Nina and Danny had been getting intimate lately, and Penelope, who formally had been indifferent to Danny's affections, now did not like another woman competing for something that had been for so long hers.

"Don't give me that jealousy shit." Penelope finished her beer and walked over to the refrigerator to get another one. "If I remember correctly, you were jealous the night Ryan stood you up to hang out with that Tara girl."

"Taylor—and no, I wasn't jealous."

"Well you acted like it."

"I was more annoyed than anything else." Marissa had seen Taylor's attempts to steal Seth away from Summer and thought that Taylor was up to her old tricks again. She had told Summer the exact same thing in an email. Summer had simply replied that the "little slut" stood no chance.

"She'll probably be there if Nina got invited."

"And we'll finally get to see this boyfriend of hers."

"Arabella saw them together—she says he is gorgeous."

"Then I can't imagine why he's with Taylor."

"She must be doing something right." Marissa rolled her eyes; she knew she was being unfair about Taylor. She wasn't so bad, but Marissa felt that she was trying to muscle in on Ryan a bit. Also, the fact that she was going to be getting an evening invitation to the party, if one at all, soured her mood.

"I wonder if we'll get invited at all."

Penelope was saved from replying by a knock on the door. It was Ryan and Arabella.

"Hey guys." Ryan kissed Marissa and wrapped his arm around her. "What's going on with you?" He noticed her bad mood instantly.

"We haven't gotten invitations for the party yet."

"Oh." He could see how upset Marissa was. Two years ago, this might have concerned him, slightly; now, as a senior, he could care less if some fraternity wanted his company.

"And it's worse than that—Nina's going and Taylor's going and they got their invitations in the morning."

"Well maybe there was a mistake."

"Maybe." Marissa was clinging to the believe that there was just an oversight. Arabella lit a cigarette and passed it over to Marissa.

"Where are we going tonight?" Arabella was bored by the conversation.

"How about we go into the city?" Marissa looked at Ryan. "What do you think? we could all go down to the _Oyster_ and have caviar and champagne."

"I don't know—I have an early class tomorrow."

"So do I."

"Well why don't we go somewhere local then."

"No, Berkeley has become so dull lately. There isn't anything ever going on."

"Except this party."

"Which reminds me," said Marissa, without missing a beat "I need a new dress."

"As do I." Penelope and Marissa were determined to look their best. "We have to find out what Nina's wearing."

"Yes." There was no way, in Marissa's mind, that Nina, or Taylor for that matter, would be prettier then her.

"And we have to bring Zach and Danny as our dates." Penelope looked over the Arabella. "You can take Zach."

"I'm glad that you guys have this all arranged." Ryan felt slightly annoyed that the girls were making much a big deal out of this. There seemed to be a state of war declared against Nina, and by extension Taylor, that he did not like. Ryan turned to Marissa "Do you have my outfit all picked out already?"

"I have something in the works." She smiled happily; she was always so proud and happy to have Ryan on her arms. He could not but elicit admiration from the women on campus and she loved the fact that he was hers, just as she was his.

"Let me know." They fell in silence for a few moments. The women all had dresses in mind, while Ryan thought to himself that he should have stayed home this afternoon and studied instead of getting dragged into this obsession about a fraternity party. He wondered what Taylor was up to. No doubt she was studying in the library or was in class. What would she think when she found out about the invitation and the fact that in came early in the morning? No doubt she would care less; he could imagine her shrugging her shoulders and asking Nina indifferent questions about the party. As he imagined the scene being played out between the roommates, his admiration for Taylor grew.

"What are you thinking about Ryan?"

"What?" He had gotten lost for a few moments and had not noticed that the murmur of conversation had started again.

"You had such a strange look on your face. Who were you thinking about?"

"Taylor."

"Really?" Arabella and Penelope exchanged glances. They felt there was more to the situation then let on. "What about her?" Marissa struggled to hide the annoyance in her voice.

"Nothing—just that I wondered if she would be going to the party or not—nothing important." He squeezed Marissa's hand and smiled at her. It really had been nothing, nothing for Marissa really to worry about.

"Have you met her boyfriend yet?" Arabella, like a shark smelling blood in the water, felt the urge to pounce.

"No—not yet."

"He's a good looking guy."

"That's good." Ryan knew what game Arabella was playing, and for the first time, he disliked her.

"How do you think she snagged him?" Penelope was curious to see if they could push Ryan's buttons by bad mouthing Taylor.  
"She has a nice body."

"Too skinny." Marissa remarked with a smile.

"I bet she's a freak in bed."

"A girl has to compensate for something." Ryan looked over to Arabella and asked her what she might be compensating for. "For being so weird—no guy in their right mind would date her for being her—she's clueless."

"You guys hardly know her."

"And you do?"

"We've talked some." Arabella and Penelope could both see the strain and anger building in Ryan; they had achieved what they had wanted to achieve, and they so backed off.

"Well maybe she gets better."

"She does." Marissa also picked up the hint of defensiveness in Ryan's voice. Was she jealous? If so, only a little. Was she concerned about her boyfriend defecting? Not at all. Like Penelope and Arabella, she had no faith in Taylor's ability to steal away a real, good man.

"We'll have to go shopping soon since the party is Friday night." Marissa leaned forward and kissed Ryan's neck. She knew that was a way to his heart. "Take me tonight?"

"I thought you wanted to go into the city tonight."

"There's no reason we can't do both." Ryan looked at Marissa and as he did she unleashed a dazzling smile on him. She was beautiful and she was his. Her smile promised him pleasure and delight and his annoyance at them all for their words about Taylor began melting away.

"That would mean missing a class tonight."

"Can you handle that?" Ryan's hand slid underneath her skirt.

"I think so." There was suddenly a thick sexual tension in the air and the rest knew it was almost time to leave.

"I think that's our cue to leave." Arabella and Penelope took off for an early afternoon drink; they promised to be back by five.

"I'm glad that we're alone now." Marissa began to undress for him; she slowly undid her blouse. "I've wanted you all day." He watched her undress in silence and then began kissing her and stroking her fully naked body.

"You get what you want, don't you?"

"I do." It wasn't long before those passing along the dorm could hear Marissa's pleasure.


	9. Chapter 9

Taylor hadn't really been excited about the party until that very evening. She hadn't wanted to go but Nina and Sam teamed up together to convince her. Sam had always wanted to go to this party but had never been invited; Nina wanted Taylor there so Nina wouldn't feel bored.

As she put on her make up and dressed, Taylor felt an old excitement. She used to feel like this in high school before a party. Of course once she got there things were miserable, but the hours leading up to it were at least somewhat enjoyable.

"Are you ready?" It was Nina. She looked gorgeous and Taylor had no doubt that she'd have men turning their heads. As for Taylor, she wasn't really concerned about turning heads. She would have Sam on her arm and that was enough, or nearly enough. Taylor knew in her heart that she hoped Ryan would notice her and find her pretty tonight.

Ryan. She hadn't seen him since the night Sam had asked her out. Her new romance, and school, had kept her busy. Yet she still thought about him. Taylor knew it was wrong, but she certainly did have a crush on Ryan Atwood. He was sweet and funny and very attractive. She certainly adored Sam and wouldn't cheat on him for anything but she knew that if Ryan was single, she would have a hard time not chasing after him.

"Just about." Nina's date was there already. He was a friend from class and was absolutely devoted to her; for her part, Nina only had a passing interest, and she doubted that he would end up taking her home, but he was sweet and since Zach and Danny were spoken for, he would have to do. "Nick's got some cigars if you want one."

"No thanks." Nina shrugged her shoulders and went back to sit down next to Nick. He smiled at her and told her again how pretty she looked. The girl smiled and took a cigar from him. They smoked in silence while Taylor put the finishing touches on her outfit.

"So—what do you think?"

"Very pretty." Taylor twirled and smiled, happy that her beauty was being appreciated. She was about to speak when there was a knock at the door. It was Sam.

They had been dating for about two weeks or so now; when class wasn't going on they found themselves with each other. They had study dates; they went out to dinner and for coffee and Taylor was happy with him. She believed he was happy too and it surprised her how much she wanted him to be happy.

"Well—doesn't Taylor look lovely tonight?"

"She does." He stepped forward and kissed her on the lips. Taylor laughed because there was a smudge of lipstick on his lips now.

"Let me wipe that off." Nina watched silently as the two young lovers chatted affectionately for a moment. She finished her cigar and looked over to Nick. He seemed anxious about getting to the party; no doubt he had his own business to take care of.

"You kids ready."

"Ready." The two couples went out the door and walked the four blocks to where the fraternity house was. They were already late for the party and it was in full swing by the time they got there.

"Invitations." A surely looking young man, sad to be deprived of the fun inside, stood by the door collecting invitations. They passed them off to him and ended, ready for fun.

"We should find Marissa."

"Yes." Taylor wasn't looking forward to seeing Marissa or her friends. Frankly, she was frightened of them. For whatever reason, Taylor still seemed to want Marissa's approval, and she hated that she was unable to win it. At least Ryan would be there too, she thought to herself as the passed through the hallway into one of the larger rooms.

"Wow." Sam hadn't seen so much people crammed into a room before. Taylor looked over to him and smiled. They both seemed to be proud and happy to be on each others arms. She, as well as he, felt the envious eyes of others upon them. She had a wonderfully attractive man with her, and no doubt the same girls who admired her date, also envied her easy and fresh faced beauty.

"We're going to have fun tonight."

""We will." He leaned forward and kissed her. Another couple pushed by them and separated them. Nina and Nick still stood next to them; Nina's eyes scanned the room and then turned to Taylor.

"I don't see anyone interesting. I'm going to get a drink." She took Nick with her and left Taylor and Sam to themselves.

"Your roommate is interesting."

"She is—sweet but intense."

"Yes." The pushed there way through the room and beat the same path that Nina had just taken. "Let's get you a drink."

"I'd like that." There path was suddenly blocked by Zach, who had just missed Nina.

"She run off to the bar?"

"Yeah—you want to join us?"

"No—I'll see her later I guess." Zach took off before Taylor could introduce him to Sam. Zach continued through the room and then headed outside and made a turn around the house into the backyard where Arabella and Danny were.

"I just ran into Taylor."

"Nina must be here then."

"Did you see her too?" Arabella turned cold eyes on Danny and Zach. "Don't think for a minute that either of you are going to ditch me for that bitch."

"We weren't thinking it." Both Zach and Danny exchanged glances behind Arabella's back. All the girls were drunk already and feeling hostile: Penelope was pissed about Nina and Marissa was itching for a fight with Taylor. "I don't see why you're so jealous anyway."

"I'm not jealous—I just don't like the way she throws herself at every guy."

"Right." Zach couldn't help but laugh. "While you are the picture of virginity."

"Fuck you." Arabella finished her cigarette and peered into her cup of punch. "I'm out—get me something?"

"Is that how it is?" Zach and Danny looked at Arabella, then looked at each other and laughed. "Why don't you get your own?"

"Dicks." She threw her cup at them both and stormed away into the house. She was drunk, and usually when she was drunk, she was horny and flirty. Now, however, she was more pissed off then flirty. The mass of people was oppressing her and she didn't like that both Zach and Danny seemed to have Nina under their skin. Arabella pushed her way into the house and towards the bar.

"Bella!" It was Penelope. She had separated herself from Danny to do a spot of coke in the upstairs bathroom and now felt like she was flying. "I've been looking for you."

"Having a good time?" They pushed their way forward and stopped by a very large bowl of punch.

"I've never been more bored in my life. You?"

"Terribly bored. I need a drink." Arabella poured out two large cups of punch. "Any luck upstairs?"

"No—he wasn't much of a man. You?"

"No—no one's biting yet." Arabella saw Nina and some girl talking out of the corner of her eye. "Nina's here." She pointed Nina out of Penelope. "Taylor's floating around too."

"I want to see her man."

"I wonder if she brought him."

"Marissa said she would be." Nina caught their eye and she waved to them. They smiled brightly and waved back. "We'd better keep an eye out of the boys—they know she's here."

"Well, well." Something new had caught Arabella's eye. It was Taylor and Sam; they were making their way towards Nina. "That is very nice."

"I don't really like black men."

"Well more for me then."

"If you can get him to look."

"He will be doing more than just looking I promise you that." Arabella had seen Sam and immediately knew she wanted him. She would have him too, that was for sure.

"I wish Marissa was here to see this."

"Where is Ryan keeping her tonight?"

"I don't know." They paused for a moment to watch Sam. He did seem to be interested in Taylor but both girls knew that didn't really matter. They knew how to steal another women's man away. "He's suspicious about her doing blow again."

"She'd better play it cool tonight then." Marissa, probably knowing Ryan would be keeping a close watch on her tonight, had made sure to enjoy her coke and alcohol combination before he had arrived to pick her up. What had sparked the fight was a mysterious text message Ryan had stumbled over on Marissa's cell phone. They had fought about it but Ryan did not have any truth, only a suspicion.

"Speaking of the devil." They both caught sight of Marissa and Ryan at the same time coming towards them. "Were your ears burning? We were just talking about you two."

"I need a drink—I'm much too sober." Marissa poured herself and Ryan two large cups of punch.

"You enjoying yourself Ryan?"

"Tons." He smiled; truly, he was. Marissa was beautiful tonight and though she was intoxicated, she was being very attentive and sweet to him. He was the center of her world this evening, and her sweet kisses were enough, on this evening, to smooth out his anxieties about her. Tomorrow things might be different, but right now Ryan was crazy about Marissa and thought her the most beautiful women in the world.

"So we spotted Taylor's boyfriend." All eyes swept to their direction. Nina felt their eyes upon them and prodded Taylor. She too turned and waved and smiled. Ryan was the only one to smile back.

"They hate me." Taylor whispered under her breath to Sam.

"Who cares?" Sam had heard all about Marissa and her set, and he didn't feel very impressed by what he had heard. He was even less impressed by what he saw.

"I do—for some reason I do." Taylor knew it was silly, and knew that Sam thought it was silly, but that's how it was.

"We should go over there." Ryan had seen Taylor's reaction to his friends' lukewarm reaction. Ryan didn't know why no one liked Taylor. Sure she was a little strange, but she was very sweet. "We should say hello."

"I guess." Marissa had really no desire. "It's such a crush in here. Much too many people." She turned to Penelope. "It's a boring party this year, don't you think?"

"I was just telling Penelope that—I've never been so bored in my life." Ryan began to grow listless as the girls started talking about how Danny and Zach were acting. As he half listened to their complaints, he found his eyes wandered over to Taylor and Sam.

He watched as Sam made Taylor laugh and smile. It was a lovely smile and in his mind he could hear the attractive tinkle of her mirth. She seemed to be blossoming before his eyes; he had seen how bewitching she could be before, at Nina's parties and during the coffee they had shared. Taylor appeared to him in a sudden light. She was so clean and fresh and innocent. There was a sweetness and goodness about her that he had never noticed before. Ryan turned to Marissa and smiled at her. She was distracted, talking to Arabella about the awful dress she had seen some unfortunate girl wearing. How different Marissa appeared now. Innocence and simplicity had been lost by her; Marissa was still beautiful but there was a corruption and hardness to her beauty. A spring innocence and freshness had been overthrown by pleasure and excess and sorrow.

Ryan turned away from Marissa and again let his gaze settle upon Taylor. Her skin looked soft and fresh. Her smile radiated innocence and happiness, and as he watched Taylor prattle on happily with Sam, he was struck with the notion that he might want to woe her, and possibly win her.


	10. Chapter 10

It was the day after the party and Ryan could not take his mind off of Taylor. He had seen her in a completely new light, and the image of her sweet smile and beautiful innocence was burnt deeply in his mind. Though he loved Marissa, Ryan found himself thinking about Taylor non stop. He wanted what she was doing at that moment, and what he might say to her if he saw her.

"I guess you got Marissa home okay." It was Nina and Zach. They seemed to be out on a walk together. Nina approached Ryan and smiled at him. There seemed to be meaning in that smile and he wondered if she knew what thoughts were passing in his mind.

"Yeah—we had a good time too."

"I'm glad that someone did—I was bored." She sat down on the bench next to him and took out a package of cigarettes. "Do you boys one want?"

"No." Zach shook his head and then looked down at Ryan. It was a late summer day and he had asked Nina to lunch because Danny was taking her out to dinner that evening. Arabella and Penelope were not pleased. "What are you up to man?"

"Not much—just needed a break from studying." Zach shook his head and laughed. Sometimes Ryan was just too responsible.

"I was way too hung over to get up this morning—I wasn't going to get out of bed but Nina called me and begged me to take her to lunch."

"I believe you begged me." She eyed Zach with affection and then turned to Ryan. "I do believe you and Taylor were the only people up early this morning—what, did I say something?" She had noticed that Ryan had started to blush when she had mentioned Taylor's name. Nina looked over to Zach, who just shrugged his shoulders. "Did you get a chance to talk to her boyfriend?"

"No—not really." For whatever reason, it stabbed at him that Nina referred to Sam as Taylor's boyfriend. What was going on with him today? Ever since he had woken up, Taylor had been in his mind.

"He's sweet I guess."

"Taylor really likes him?"

"Who knows—she seemed happy when she came home this morning." Nina turned to Zach and asked him if he had any luck with women the night before. He had night; both he and Danny had spent much of the evening at the sides of Arabella and Penelope. Arabella had only sent him home with a kiss and the memory of that made Zach even more determined to have a taste of Nina today.

"She spent the night at Sam's?"

"Who did?"

"Taylor."

"Probably." Nina continued to smoke, oblivious of the look that Zach gave Ryan now. Ryan did notice it however, and again asked himself what was going on. Certainly the idea of Taylor had been growing in his mind since he had seen her on the night Nina had entered their world. His emotions for her had been coming slowly, like a small storm of rain; now, however, his emotions for her were building into a greater and greater storm. He had not kissed her or touched her for more than a few moments, but there was an infatuation growing and he was not sure where it was coming from or where it was going to lead.

"We'd better get to lunch soon—I'm starving." Zach was noticing this strange behavior in Ryan for the first time, and he did not like it. He'd question Ryan about it later, but now he wanted time with Nina. She'd have to be his this afternoon.

"Yes—you did promise me lunch." Nina crushed her cigarette with her heals and then rose and said goodbye to Ryan.

"Say hello to Taylor for me." Nina was about to reply when she stopped short; the dark haired girl twisted her mouth into a smirk and told Ryan he could say hello for himself. She pointed behind Ryan and when he turned his head, he saw Taylor and Sam walking towards them. Apparently everyone found today a pleasant day for outdoor activity.

Without waiting for Taylor and Sam, Nina and Zach took off for lunch, leaving Ryan alone with them.

"Hey Ryan." She approached him with Sam by her side. They walked hand in hand and they seemed generally happy with one another.

"Hey Taylor." She smiled at him and then introduced Ryan to Sam. They had known of each other only by sight and never had been formally introduced.

"It's nice to meet you man—Taylor's told me a lot about you." Ryan shook his hand and as he did, he sized up the man whom currently dated his infatuation. Sam was a good looking man; he seemed the warm hearted sort and at first Ryan did not feel that there was much protectionism in Sam's bearing towards Taylor.

"Well hopefully some of its good." Ryan felt suddenly dumb standing before them. He felt comfortable talking to Taylor usually, but now he felt foolish. No doubt it was because Sam was there. Looking at Taylor, Ryan felt that she noticed his feelings too.

"Of course it was—it sucks that we didn't get a chance to talk more at the party." Perhaps she said those words too warmly, for Ryan noticed a slight change in Sam's demeanor. The man slid an arm around Taylor's waist and pulled him close to him. His action seemed to confuse Taylor, because she turned to him and smiled in mild surprise.

"Yeah—Marissa wouldn't let me get away."

"She doesn't like me."

"That's not true." When Taylor looked at Ryan he could feel the warmth in her eyes; maybe I'm not the only one with a crush, Ryan thought to himself. He turned to Sam. He seemed to be sizing Ryan up now. Ryan could feel a shift in the air and the sun, which had been shining brightly only a moment ago, now seemed weak. A chill had passed over the three, and Ryan did not think it all had to do with a slight breeze that was blowing through the commons. "She's just not very great about meeting new people."

"I'm not exactly a new person." They both knew Ryan was lying. "We were friends in high school." That wasn't exactly true, but Ryan didn't want to say it. He wondered if Taylor even believed those words.

"Give her time—she just takes time to warm up to some people."

"I know." Taylor beamed suddenly at it caught Ryan off guard. Sam certainly noticed Taylor's affect on Ryan and he seemed anxious now to get away. "Did you have fun though?"

"Yeah—it was all right. How about you guys?"

"It was great." There was a certain inflection in Sam's voice that made Taylor turn and look up at him. She seemed to notice a distant look in his eye because she turned back to Ryan and smiled at him half-apologetically. "What brings you outdoors today?"

"Just needed a study break."

"Well look at you—all early bird catching the worm." Taylor was always impressed by how dedicated a student Ryan was.

"I hear you were up early too."

"Were you talking to Nina about me?" Taylor said it as a joke but Ryan did not laugh much and Sam did not laugh at all.

"You came up."

"A girl always likes to hear that." It was hard not being flirtatious. She wanted to flirt, if just a little bit.

"She's with Zach?"

"A lunch date."

"And she's going out with Danny tonight. Did you see the looks Nina was getting from Arabella and Penelope?" Ryan nodded and Taylor shook her head. The amount of energy that Nina had never ceased to amaze Taylor. "I don't know why they ran off the way they did."

"Probably because they were hungry."

"Speaking of food." Sam saw his opening and was determined to take it. "Taylor promised me lunch today."

"Please—you promised me lunch." Taylor turned to Sam and was glad to see that he seemed a little less distant. She would have to ask him about that. Something dark had come over him, and she was not used to seeing that side of his personality. "We'd better go though."

"It was good running into you."

"We need to get some coffee soon and catch up—can't keep just running into each other at parties."

"No—not that." Even though they smiled at one another, they both could sense in each other that they did not want to part. Sam saw it too.

"Speaking of parties," Taylor had turned to go but had stopped "Did you hear that there's another one already on the calendar."

"Mary's party?"

"Yeah—of course—you'd know before anyone else." In Taylor's mind, Marissa knew all the social happenings at Berkeley before probably the people planning the social event did. "Bye Ryan." Taylor said sweetly and waved goodbye; Sam said nothing. Ryan watched them walk away in silence and then sat back down on the bench, still befuddled by her.

"So what was that all about?" Taylor reached out for Sam's hand but did not find it.

"What do you mean?"

"You and Ryan. I sensed something."

"What are you talking about?" She had tried to play it cool around Ryan, but obviously she had failed. What in the world was going on there? Since she had woken up she had Ryan Atwood on the brain. Taylor had noticed the looks she had been getting from him the night before, and it had made her happy. He had noticed her!

"I don't know—but I couldn't help feeling that he likes you, and that you like him." He stopped and took Taylor by the arm. "I don't want to waste my time, or yours."

"It's nothing." She looked at Sam and knew that he cared about her. She cared about him. Why was she obsessing over Ryan? He had Marissa and Marissa was lovely and fun and Ryan was obviously crazy about Marissa. No doubt Taylor was just reading into things too much, at least that's what she was trying to tell herself. There was no way Ryan could like her, right? Besides, she knew she had a sure thing with Sam. "I promise you—it's nothing."

"All right." They looked at each other in silence and then Sam sighed deeply. "I'm sorry—I've just had bad experiences in the past."

"Poor man." Taylor gently touched his cheek and then pulled his face down, close to hers. "Let's get some food." She kissed him gently on the lips and as she closed her eyes, she tried to think of him. It was only Ryan's face that appeared in her mind. As they walked, hand in hand, she could not help but steal a glance backwards. Ryan was still sitting on the bench. He seemed lost in thought. Was he thinking about her? She knew she would be thinking about him.


	11. Chapter 11

"Things fall apart…"

William Butler Yeats

Taylor stood before her mirror and was pleased by what she saw. She looked very pretty for the approaching evening and she was glad for it. Taylor knew Sam would find her lovely, and she hoped that Ryan would find her loveliness apparent too. She could not, for the life of her, shake Ryan out of her mind. He was in her blood now, and as she sprayed perfume onto her wrists and rubbed them together, she wanted her current addiction eased. Taylor could not stop thinking about him; she had not seen him since Saturday morning, nearly a week ago, but her thoughts were completely occupied. She believed that Sam knew something was going on, but she could not help it.

Sam did not want to go tonight, but Taylor had insisted. Nina had wanted Taylor to go with her, and Taylor was more than happy to say yes. Sam of course too was to come along; Taylor did like him and wanted him to be happy, but it was impossible for her to not think about Ryan. She knew she was probably being selfish and unfair, but there was not much she could do.

There was a knock at her door and Taylor rose as Sam entered.

"You look great." She smiled back at him and received his kiss with chaste lips.

"Thank you—you do too." He was a highly attractive man and tonight he looked even better than normal. There was merriment in his eyes and he surprised Taylor by taking her suddenly by the waist and pulling her into him.

"We should stay home tonight." He kissed her neck and Taylor let out a small gasp of pleasure. "What do you say?" Feeling his strong body holding hers up against his made her head feel cloudy for a moment. "We could order in—watch a movie."

"I promised." She felt his body relax its tension and as she pulled away, she noticed for the first time alcohol on his breath. "Have you been drinking?"

"I had a shot or two before I came over." Sam sat down on Taylor's bed and watched her in silence as she finished getting ready. "You're dressed up tonight." Taylor was wearing a pretty green cocktail dress and had a string of pearls around her neck. The edge in Sam's words made Taylor turn her head.

"I like being pretty for you." She turned back to the mirror and finished applying her lipstick.

"For me or for Ryan?" Taylor looked at him in silence and then laughed nervously.

"Are we bringing that back up again?" The young woman sat down next to Sam and took his hand. "I told you—it's nothing."

"You've seemed preoccupied all week."

"School." She hated lying to him but his questions made her nervous. She did not know how Ryan felt about her; for all she knew, Ryan did not notice her at all, and Taylor had been lonely before meeting Sam. It was selfish and wrong to pretend that she was not interested in Ryan, but she did not want to be single again. Love had always been one step ahead of her, and she did not want to give up someone that was good.

"Right." Sam sat in silence and then stood up. He looked down at Taylor and told her that he probably shouldn't go.

"Why?"

"I'm not really in the mood for it—it's been a rough week and I really don't want to run into Ryan."

"I told you—it's nothing." She was standing too; Taylor took his hand. "I would kiss you but I don't want to put on my lipstick again." She looked deep into his eyes and asked him to reconsider. "Have a couple of drinks, hang out with Nina and I—we'll have an okay time."

"Can I crash here tonight?"

"Yes." He kissed her neck and again he felt her shiver in delight. "Only if you promise to behavior yourself."

"Tonight?"

"Yes." He looked at her, at her stunning hazel eyes, and wondered what secrets lay behind them.

"Sure—I'll behave myself." They had been going out for a couple of weeks now and Sam was starting to get eager for sex. Girls usually didn't hold out on him for a long time, and he was beginning to think that Taylor's holding out on him had something to do with Ryan. While Taylor gathered her purse and fetched Nina, Sam felt an anger building inside him. He did like Taylor, but did not want to play second fiddle to anyone. Also, he was a sensual man, and he was getting tired of waiting.

"Ready?" Taylor poked her head through the bedroom door. Sam could see Nina standing next to Taylor. She wore tight jeans and a very fitting top. If she wasn't Taylor's roommate, Sam said to himself as they left.

The party was being held at the _Fox Trot Saloon_ and the occasion was for the 21st birthday of one Mary Morison. Mary was the senior class president and knew everyone. She knew Marissa and Ryan from freshman year; she was more than happy to get them invitations for them and their friends. Nina Blount was not as welcome. Mary knew of Nina's bed hoping, and Mary was convinced that Nina had slept with Mary's current boyfriend Chris. Chris denied it, and it was because of Chris' persuasive nature that Nina and Taylor found themselves invited.

Mary had rented out the bar for the entire evening, so everyone was prepared for an evening filled with wild times. Arabella and Penelope came with the sole intension of finding the best looking men so they could take them home. It didn't matter if said gentlemen had girlfriends or not.

"I think I'm drunk already." Arabella and Zach had each taken out a bottle of bourbon before the party, and now they sat with one another doing shots of tequila.

"I think I am too." Zach's plan for the evening was to go home with Nina as well as keep an eye opened for any mischief between Ryan and Taylor. He had tried to talk to Ryan about it, but Ryan had been quiet about the situation all week. All he would say was that there was nothing going on. Zach believed otherwise.

"What are you going to do if your lady doesn't show up tonight?" Arabella was noticing that Zach would shoot a glance towards the entrance every few moments. No doubt he was waiting for Nina.

"Go home with you of course."

"You'd like to think so—no, I'm off limits tonight." Arabella downed another shot. "I was thinking I'd go after Taylor's man."

"She probably wouldn't even notice it if you did."

"You're talking about Ryan. I don't really believe that there's anything there; you're just seeing things."

"You don't think Taylor likes Ryan?"

"I don't think that Ryan would give a second thought to Taylor. He might have had a small crush on her—God knows why—but he wouldn't leave Marissa."

"And what does Marissa think of all this? I haven't seen her lately."

"She thinks it's all a big joke. Why in the world would Ryan like a girl like Taylor." As she poured herself and Zach another shot, she spotted Marissa. "Let's ask the girl herself." Arabella waved over to her friend, who smiled back.

"People I know."

"Where's Ryan?"

"He ran into Mary." Marissa made a face. While she liked being invited out to such affairs, she rarely enjoyed having to make small talk with the host or hostess. "How are you guys feeling?"

"Drunk—and getting drunker. You?"

"Not bad—very far behind you guys though." Marissa grabbed one of Zach's shots and downed it. "I need a beer." Marissa flagged down a bartender and ordered a beer and as shot of rum.

"So we were talking about you before you came over here."

"Oh? What about?"

"What you thought about this whole Taylor and Ryan business." Marissa rolled her eyes and then turned to the bartender to thank him.

"I don't think about it because it's the dumbest thing I've ever heard." That wasn't entirely true. She thought about it from time to time; she had mentioned it to Summer and they all came to the same conclusion: there was no way Ryan would leave Marissa for a girl like Taylor Townsend. He might, for a wild and mad moment, develop a small crush on her, but that was all. She did think about it, but it did not concern her.

"Cheers to that." They raised their shot glasses and clicked them. Just as they finished their shots, Ryan approached the table.

"Hey man." He nodded to Arabella. "Hey—miss me."

"Of course." Marissa leaned forward and kissed Ryan. She was glad to be with him tonight. He was happy; all week long he had been distracted and out of it. Zach had been convinced it was because Ryan was thinking about Taylor, but when Marissa had confronted Ryan about that, he had simply told her that he was stressed about school. That made sense. He was trying to get into graduate school and therefore Marissa was satisfied by his answer. Now, Ryan seemed happy and upbeat and Marissa felt that Ryan's interested in Taylor—if it had ever taken place—was nonexistent.

"Oh look who showed up." Arabella grinned widely as Nina, Sam and Taylor entered.

"I'd better go say hi to Nina." Zach slammed down another shot and rose on uncertain legs.

"I think I'll go with you." Arabella's grin became wider as she took Zach by the arm.

"Do you want to go over and say hello to Nina too."

"She can find me." Ryan took Arabella's seat and sat down next to Marissa. The bartender came over and asked what he wanted to drink; Ryan ordered a beer for himself and one for Marissa.

"You guys fighting?"

"Nina and I? No—not at all. What makes you think that?"

"Well I haven't heard you talk about her in awhile and since Arabella and Penelope aren't fans of her, I thought maybe something was going on there."

"No—she's just been busy with things and that's true for me too." The bartender returned with their drinks and Ryan and Marissa touched bottles before drinking. "Besides—I'm much too comfortable where I am." They both drank in silence for a moment or two. Marissa and Ryan turned and watched the sea of people before them. There were lovers and friends and enemies about; people kissed and hugged gossiped about one another. All of humanity and all of humanities traits and emotions were on display for Ryan and Marissa to watch.

"Taylor really got dressed up for tonight." Ryan had seen her with Sam and he had felt a stab of jealousy at seeing him wrap his arms around her waist. It made him even more jealous that Taylor did not seem to mind it.

"I guess she wanted to look pretty for someone." Marissa herself had thrown on a tight pair of jeans and a halter top. As she looked at Taylor, she was struck at how pretty her rival looked. "You think she's pretty?"

"Taylor?" Ryan looked back at Marissa and there was a moment of confusion in his eyes. Marissa couldn't help but notice it.

"Yeah Taylor."

"She is." He said it with a little too much warmth, and suddenly Marissa was struck with the sickening realization that maybe there was more to this then she thought. Maybe, Marissa thought to herself, the reason Ryan was so happy tonight was because he would be seeing Taylor again. She felt herself sobering up quickly.

"You like her." It was not a question Marissa was throwing out.

"What?" Again there was confusion and hesitation in Ryan; Marissa did not fail to pick up on it. Even though Ryan denied that he liked Taylor like that, Marissa couldn't help but think he was lying.

"Whatever Ryan—I'll be back." Before Ryan could stop her Marissa was on her way out the door. Ryan rose to follow her but he was intercepted by Penelope.

"Hey Ryan." She was drunk, drunker even than Arabella and Zach were.

"Hey—come outside with me and let's find Marissa."

"No—I need a drink."

"I think you've had enough."

"No—buy me a drink." She fell into his chest for support and as Ryan held onto her, trying to figure out what to do with her; he spied Nina, Zach, Taylor and Sam coming towards him.

"Well Ryan—what would Marissa think?" Nina smiled ironically as she held a cigarette in her hand. Zach peeled away from Nina and took Penelope by the waist. He had seen her like this before and knew what was going on.

"I think she's had enough for tonight."

"Do you want me to take her home?" Penelope's head was now buried in Zach's chest and he could smell the alcohol on her; it was almost as if she had been swimming in a sea of bourbon and gin.

"Could you? I have to find Marissa."

"She all right?" Zach gave him a searching look.

"She's fine." Ryan could not help but look over to Taylor as he spoke the words. She smiled at him and he smiled back at her.

"I'll go with you." Nina had been hoping to take Zach home all night; now, she had the perfect excuse to get out of the bar with him.

"That works for me." Zach and Nina lead Penelope away.

"So you've lost Marissa." Arabella stood close by Sam, too close to Sam in Ryan's mind.

"Help me find her?"

"I think I'll have a drink first."

"Thanks." Arabella smiled back at Ryan and turned to Sam. She asked him if he would buy her a drink and he grinned and told him he would.

"Well—that just leaves me I guess."

"Don't worry about it—I'll find her myself. Go on back and keep an eye on Sam." Ryan smiled at her and she smiled back. They weren't saying much to each other but their eyes were having a conversation of their own.

"Sure." Ryan watched Taylor walk back to the bar and then headed outside to find Marissa. She was standing against a wall, smoking a cigarette.

"Why did you run off like that?"

"You know why." She finished her cigarette and threw it to the ground and crushed it with her boot heel. "Penelope's really drunk."

"Zach and Nina are taking her home."

"I saw them." She lit another cigarette. "Have you seen Danny lately?"

"No—I lost him as soon as we got into the bar." He watched Marissa as she smoked. "You're wrong about Taylor."

"I'm starting to think that you're wrong about that."

"I don't really know what to tell you then." They were at a standstill. Ryan didn't know what he was doing or what he felt. All he knew was that he loved Marissa but had—or was at least developing—strong feelings for Taylor. It didn't make sense and he didn't know what to do with his emotions, but they were there all the same.

Marissa was about to comment back when Taylor came storming out of the bar. There was a mixture of pain and anger and deep disappointment on her face that surprised both Ryan and Marissa.

"Taylor." It was Sam. He seemed to be fairly drunk and uneasy on his legs. "Wait a minute Taylor." She told him no and began walking faster; they both seemed oblivious of the fact that Ryan and Marissa were there, watching them. "Taylor—fuck it meant nothing." There was anger in his voice and that made Ryan take a step towards them. "Taylor!" Sam had caught up to Taylor and had reached out and grabbed her roughly by the arm. "Wait."

"Get your hands off of me." She turned on him and her face was full of fury.

"Hey man—let her go." Ryan and Marissa were running up to the scene.

"Oh well look who it is." Sam still held onto Taylor as Marissa and Ryan approached.

"Let her go." Ryan could see the fear and pain in Taylor's eyes and it was making him crazy.

"This doesn't concern you."

"It does." Sam let go of Taylor and approached Ryan. Ryan could smell the beer and liquor on his breath.

"I don't see why it concerns you—you guys aren't going out. This is between _me_ and _my_ girlfriend." Taylor used this pause in an attempt to get some distance between herself and Sam but Sam was too quick for her. With lightening fast speed he again grabbed her. "You're not going anywhere."

Those words were hardly out of his mouth before Ryan's fist connected with Sam's jaw. Ryan had hoped that his punch would knock Sam to the ground. It did not; though the shot stunned him for a moment, it did not take Sam long to mount a counter blow. With a loud crack Sam's fist slammed into Ryan's head, and Ryan went down.

"Oh my God!" Marissa cried out in surprise and Taylor could only scream at the sudden, violent display. Before either girl could react, Sam was on Ryan, connecting with two blows. He would have gotten in more had not Marissa and Taylor both unleashed fury with their handbags.

"What the fuck." Their sudden, passionate, assault was enough to distract Sam. Ryan, who had been shocked by the force of Sam's blows, now had enough time to deliver his own counter attack. Ryan put his knee hard up into Sam's stomach. The blow, which was unexpected, knocked the wind out of Sam. He rolled off Ryan and fell into the grass.

The girls were spared any more violence because by now people had noticed the screams and the fighting outside. Mary had collected a small army of men, and now they were standing between the two fighters. Peace was being restored.

"What the hell happened?" Mary did not want her birthday ruined like this.

"He grabbed her." Ryan was out of breath and hurting. He looked over at Marissa. Her eyes were wild with excitement, and with something else. Was she furious at him? Ryan now turned to Taylor. "What happened?"

"Arabella—at the bar—they were all other each other." She had gone back to the bar and had seen that the two were missing. Searching, Taylor had found Arabella and Sam making out by the kitchen entrance. Seeing that, she had stormed out in anger and pain.

"Damn her." All of this because Arabella couldn't keep her hands off another woman's man. He could see the fright and pain in Taylor's face. He knew he must look like a fright. "Are you all right?"

"I'm fine. The important question is are you all right?" She opened her purse and pulled out a tissue. "You're bleeding."

"I know." She gently wiped the blood from his lip. Marissa watched the two and it seemed like Taylor and Ryan had fallen into their own private little world.

"I think I can take it from here." Marissa took the tissue and pushed her way into Taylor's space. "Thanks Taylor."

"No problem." There small little world had vanished and Ryan could see sadness pass over her.

"Can I walk you home?"

"I think she can manage Ryan."

"I'll be okay. It's not too far." Taylor looked over to Sam, who was sitting on the ground around some of his own friends. "Stay away from me."

"Gladly." He watched as Taylor walked out of his life. Sam then turned and looked up at Ryan and Marissa. He smiled to himself; they'd get into a fight over what just happened and Ryan would be feeling even more pain in a few minutes.

"So" Marissa began, drawing her words out slowly. "We need to talk."


	12. Chapter 12

"So" Marissa began, drawing her words out slowly. "We need to talk."

"I think so too." Ryan stepped away from Marissa and looked down at Sam for a moment. He had been surrounded by some of his own friends and they were talking in quiet whispers. "You're going to leave her alone."

"Sure man. Whatever you say." Sam looked at Ryan and there was a brief flash of intense hatred. "You can have her."

"Come on Ryan." Marissa grabbed Ryan by the arm and started to tug him away from the scene. "You're going to take me home."

"Sure." They walked in quiet for a few moments before Marissa dropped her hand from his arm and turned on him.

"What the hell was that all about?"

"He was going after her."

"And afterwards?"

"I don't see what you're so upset about."

"No Ryan—you don't see at all. You don't see anything." She walked away from him for a moment and reached into her purse for her cigarettes. "It's obvious to everyone." She paused to light her cigarette. "It's obvious to everyone except you that you like Taylor—and that she likes you. I can see it in the way she looks at you, and the way you've been looking at her."

"We're friends."

"No." She shook her head emphatically. "There's something more then just friendship. Everyone saw it—everyone told me that you had feelings for her, and that she had feelings for you. I didn't believe them—I'm convinced I wouldn't believe it if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes." Her voice was rising as she spoke. "You fought for her Ryan—you punched a man in the face."

"He was trying to hurt her."

"I haven't seen you punch someone in God knows how long—probably since freshman year. Why did you have to go and do that—and on top of it, you should have seen the tender scene between you two; I've never seen a girl with so many stars in her eyes as Taylor did when she was wiping the blood of your face."

"I" He began to speak but could not think of what to say. How was he to explain himself when he himself did not know how he felt? He had not wanted Taylor to leave that evening, not alone like that. When she had stood before him, wiping the blood from his face, Ryan had felt his heart starting to crumble a bit before her. How was he to put such things into words?

"Exactly—you have nothing to say to me because you know it's true." Marissa threw her cigarette to the ground in an angry rage. "You're falling for Taylor Townsend—for Taylor, who was nothing in high school and is nothing now."

"Don't talk about her like that. You don't know her and you made up your mind about her before she even had a chance."

"So that's how it is?" Marissa looked at Ryan and began to speak very slowly, almost like an adult trying to figure out the logic of a complicated child. "Can you explain to me—what in the world is going on in your mind? Taylor Townsend, of all people. Don't you remember how she was in high school? All the crap that she put us through—what she put Summer through. She tried to steal Seth away."

"I do remember—I remember exactly how she was; don't you see Marissa, she's changed." As Ryan spoke of Taylor, he was reminded of all the goodness he had seen within her the last few weeks. "She's so different from what she was—she's changed, changed in ways that we haven't."

"And what does that mean?" The moon had broken through the clouds and Ryan could see Marissa's face. She appeared angry and concerned. It seemed to Ryan that Marissa was realizing that she might be losing Ryan for the first time. As he looked at her, and thought of Taylor, he too realized for the first time what way his emotions should be going.

"It means that she's not the same person she was back in Harbor—damn Marissa; don't you see that we haven't changed a bit. None of us. Not me or you or Summer or Zach or Seth are really any different then how we were in high school. You could drop us back into our senior year tomorrow and I don't think our world would be any different. Don't you see, all we do is drink and fuck and drink some more. So many parties Marissa. We've been to frat parties and cocktail parties, parties at graveyards and parties beach parties where everyone dances around the bonfires naked; casino parties where people lose thousands of dollars in three hours; costume parties and parties where you dress up like people you hate and sex parties where you hate to think about what you've done the next morning. It's the same people day in and day out Marissa—the same damn people talking about the same damn things. No one every changes or thinks of something new to do except to drink and get high on coke and pot." He shook his head, overcome by his emotion and anger and disgust.

The blonde stood speechless before him. She had never stopped to think about anything of this simply because she had been enjoying herself too much. Also, she had never stopped to think that Ryan might not be having fun with all of this; Marissa had never thought to stop and ask. "You're bored of me."

"Not you Marissa—just this." He took a step closer to her; she stepped back away from him. "What—I didn't say I was bored with you."

"No—just bored of my friends and the things that we do." She was angry; Marissa felt as if he was criticizing her by criticizing the world she lived in and felt she belonged to. "You think we're all so stupid and that Taylor is so smart and interesting."

"I do think she's smart and interesting—I feel the same way about you." He again took a step towards her.

"Then why is it that you want to be with her right now." Those words stopped him in his tracks. "I see it in your eyes Ryan; you don't want to be here right now. You want to be with Taylor, making sure she's safe and warm in her bed."

"You're being a bitch."

"No Ryan—I am a bitch. It's my right to be a bitch when your boyfriend decides that he'd rather be with someone else." She paused for a moment as she lit another cigarette. "I'm not going to get into some love triangle with you Ryan—it's very simple. You either pick me or you pick Taylor." She threw her just lit cigarette to the ground. "You just better make up your mind soon." With that she turned around and starting walking away; Ryan knew better to follow after her. He watched her disappear into the darkness and then shook his head, not sure what to do.

That he loved Marissa, he was sure. He had been with her, on and off, for years now, and his heart was with her, would always be with her. Was he in love with her though? Searching, he was not so sure. He had not realized it before, not until Taylor had arrived and opened his eyes, but they had come to a place where they did not know each other. Their conversations had become superficial and inane. Their time spent with each other was simply bouncing from one booze soaked party to the next. Their sex, though still erotic, had lost its tenderness and sweetness.

Ryan walked and mused on these things. He did not know where he was or what direction he was going. Taylor began to fill his mind. What was Taylor? Taylor was a blast of fresh spring air. She had a sweetness and innocence that seemed to have been lost by Marissa, maybe had even been lost by himself. He felt like he could talk to Taylor about things, that she understood him and did not judge him. He remembered those hazel eyes he knew that he wanted to see those stars again.

His thoughts were interrupted by a phone call. It was Taylor.

"Ryan."

"Hey Taylor." He paused and could hear her soft breaths over the line. "What's going on."

"Are you all right?" She sounded so soft and vulnerable. He imagined her, alone and still frightened.

"I'm just walking around. I had a fight with Marissa."

"About me."

"Yes." They both were silent for a few moments. "Are you still there?"

"Yes—I wanted to know—well, will you come over?" Ryan didn't know what to say; he wanted to, but he knew that if he did things would be different in the morning for them. "Ryan—if you can't"

"No—I will." He heard Taylor take a sharp intake of breath. "Are you all right?"

"I'm just lonely here—I guess I just wanted to see you and say thank you."

"It was nothing."

"Yes?—Good. Come by whenever you can."

"I'll come now." She hung up and as Ryan put his phone away, he looked around. He knew where he was, and he knew that he wasn't very far from Taylor. Ryan looked up at the stars and the moon and swore silently to himself. He wanted to go see her, but what of Marissa? He knew if he went to see Taylor he would take her, one way or another, and then it would be all over with Marissa. Could he leave her? She had been such a part of his life, but now, as he thought about the two and watched the night sky, it seemed suddenly clear to him. The clouds had gotten out of the way, and it was Taylor's star that was shining brightest.

It did not take him a very long time to reach her apartment. He knocked on the door; no one answered but he could hear music through the door. He knocked again and again there was no answer. Ryan reached out and took hold of the door handle. It was loose and the door was open. For a brief moment Ryan was frightened that Sam had found his way into Taylor's bedroom. Ryan rushed through the door, but then stopped when he saw Nina and Zach sitting on the couch.

"Ryan." Nina sat while Zach lay on the couch; his head rested on Nina's lap and they both smiled at Ryan as he slowly entered the apartment. "Have you come to get Penelope?"

"What? No—I thought you took her home."

"No—that was too far—she's in my bedroom, safe and sound." They were both very drunk. Nina held a bottle of champagne in one hand a cigarette in another. While she spoke, she poured a bit of champagne into Zach's open mouth. "Have a drink?"

"No—is Taylor all right?"

"I think so—she's in her room. She came home looking very upset and locked herself away. Refused to come out for a drink."

"It's sweet of you to check on her." Zach smiled and laughed at his words. "Very good of you."

"Well do you know why she's upset?"

"I just thought she found the party boring."

"She found Sam with Arabella." Zach could only laugh at that. Ryan gave him a look that made Zach raise his head.

"Well it's nice of you to be concerned about Taylor." Nina poured some more champagne down Zach's throat. "Why are you standing here for? There is the door and within the door lies the girl you desire." Nina snickered. "You won't have much fun if you stay out here." Without another word Ryan went to Taylor's door and pushed it open.

"Ryan." She was in bed but rose as he entered. "I didn't want to come out—I'm so glad that you're here." She threw her arms around him and hugged him tightly.

"Are you okay?"

"Been better." They both sat on the bed. She wore lilac satin pajamas and Ryan could not keep his eyes off her face and the exposed skin at the nap of her neck. "I'm sorry about night—I didn't want to get you into any trouble."

"We needed to have that discussion."

"You guys figure things out?" Ryan shook his head. "Did you break up?"

"No—but she gave me an ultimatum. I have to figure out what I want by tomorrow."

"Or?"

"Or I lose her." Taylor nodded her head.

"I understand. I understand Ryan—you've been"

"Taylor."

"What?" He looked at her, looked deep into her eyes. For them both it seemed like hours; it was only really a few seconds.

"I want you." Before she could respond, and before he really knew what he was doing, he kissed her. It was a quick kiss, a sweet kiss. He backed away and looked at her. She smiled and he kissed her again, longer this time and with a deeper passion.

"That was." Taylor stopped, not sure of what words to say. She laughed and he laughed and then she leaned in and kissed him. "You kiss by the book."

"That sounds familiar."

"_Romeo and Juliet_." They sat next to each other in a comfortable silence. "What happens now?"

"I guess I talk to Marissa."

"Oh no."

"What?"

"I guess I'm just scared of her—of your history with her." He took her hand and she shook her head. "I'm sorry; this probably isn't what you had in mind."

"No—you just have to have faith in me—in us." She squeezed his hand and looked up at him. Her face was serene, serious.

"Please Ryan—don't hurt me."

"No—I wont hurt you." He pulled her into him and kissed her once more. She let his lips caress her face, her lips, her neck. He heard her moan and felt her quiver in pleasure.

"Don't stop." He did not stop, and their pleasure continued as the sun rose.


	13. Chapter 13

Danny threw a t-shirt and a pair of jeans and stepped out of the bedroom. On the couch, once again, were Ryan and Taylor. It had been a week since Ryan had left Marissa, and since then Taylor had become a familiar presence. To Danny, it seemed like they were spending all their time together.

"You coming out tonight man?" Taylor and Ryan looked up at Danny; Taylor smiled up at him while Ryan shook his head no.

"I think we're going to stay in." He tried to put an emphasis on the we.

"All right—I'll see you later." Without saying goodbye to Taylor, Danny headed out the door. Things had moved quickly in the past week. Marissa had been crushed by Ryan's decision and all week she had moped about her apartment. Of course the girls had taken Marissa's side. Ryan was horrible and not worth the time, Arabella had told her. Penelope too was quick to bash Taylor and Ryan. Obviously Taylor was a slut and Ryan an idiot for being seduced by her. Marissa was better off without him. Even Zach, who had always been supportive of Ryan in the past, had turned on his friend. He could not understand why Ryan had turned his back on Marissa and chosen to be with Taylor Townsend. The girl had always been a freak.

All this put Danny in a tough spot. He was one of Ryan's best friends, and he did not believe that he should leave Ryan out in the cold—what he did with his own life was Ryan's affair. Sure Taylor was strange, but Ryan had chosen her. He didn't care for Taylor much, but again, Ryan had made his decision and Danny felt that he should stand by his friend. Everyone else was making it tough. They wanted Danny to put his foot down—to ban Taylor from the apartment or by going out of the way to be rude with her. Danny decided the best course of action now was to ignore her as much as possible. Who know where the situation was going? Ryan had been broken up with Marissa before and gotten back together, so there was no reason why Danny should completely burn all his bridges with his good friend.

No one else really understood, or wanted to understand that. They all blamed Ryan for the situation, which honestly was a first. Usually it was Marissa's doing; now, however, Zach, Penelope and Summer all felt like Marissa was blameless. As Danny hit the night air, he tried to put these thoughts out of the way, and thought about Nina. She too was feeling the affects of Taylor's victory over Marissa. Nina was under a ban as well. Arabella and Penelope were sure that Nina encouraged the entire thing; it was impossible for Marissa to be friends with the roommate of the woman that broke up her relationship, they told Marissa. Nina had to go and Arabella and Penelope were pleased by that.

"Are you sure you don't want to go out tonight?" Taylor turned to Ryan and looked at him with a bit of worry. "Danny seemed to want you to go."

"I don't want to see them." He took her hand and she squeezed it.

"You miss them?"

"No." He shook his head; it was a bit of a lie; he did miss them but they were making the situation hard. Of course he knew he would get the cold shoulder from Arabella and Penelope, but Zach had hurt him by shutting Ryan out. He hadn't expected that. "I want to be here with you."

"You're sweet." She leaned forward and kissed him, happy at his words. "I just don't want to overstay my welcome. We've seen a lot of each other."

"We're getting to know each other." Ryan put his arm around her and felt her warm body press against his. She was comfortable and he felt comfortable with her. It was amazing how well they seemed to be getting along and how easy he felt around her. "I think I could use a break from parties and bars."

"I think I would be fine if I never went to another college party or college bar for the rest of my life." Ryan liked those words; Taylor was so different from Marissa. Right now, she was easy and sweet and undemanding. It seemed like she didn't care what they did, as long as they did it together. Taylor was sweet and new and Ryan felt no pressure to keep up with her.

"So what do you want to do tonight—order in? rent a movie?"

"Maybe get some ice cream." She smiled at him and again her smile took his breath away. She was lovely, and every moment spent with her surprised him because he was constantly noticing new aspects of her loveliness. Taylor pressed her lips close to his neck and lightly kissed his neck and ear lope. "You can have me for dessert if you want?" Taylor pulled away from him and her hazel eyes danced in excitement. They had slept with each other that first night and every other night had been spent enjoying and discovering each others bodies more. Tonight, however, Ryan could sense that Taylor wanted him inside of her again. He pulled her inside him and kissed her passionately; as their lips delighted in each other Ryan's hands found her waist, legs and thighs. He felt her body melting into his as she sighed softly in pleasure.

"I have a very comfortable bed."

"You do." Her eyes were heavy with desire. He stood up and took her by the hand and lead her silently into his bedroom. Ryan kissed her and slowly undressed her, and as his mouth and hands explored her body, Taylor could only think of the pleasure he was giving her and how in life there were few, if any, sensations that could be better than this.

"Well." Her body ached and her sex was still humming from the power of her orgasms. "I think I'm going to sleep well tonight." Taylor let Ryan envelope her with his arms and she snuggled close to his chest. "How about you?"

"Very well." Her body was warm and her scent overwhelmed his senses. They lay in absolute quiet as Taylor absently stroked his chest.

"What are you thinking about?"

"Not much—you?"

"Nothing—I think you blew my mind." Taylor giggled and kissed his neck. "I could stay like this forever."

"It is nice." They again lapsed into silence and Ryan was happy that she wasn't saying much. He found that they could talk, but that there were also moments when they didn't need to say anything. The first day or two Taylor had talked much, almost non-stop, but slowly those ramblings had slowed down as she seemed to realize how quiet Ryan was, and that he did not need a constant flow of words to keep him occupied. Ryan could sense that Taylor was struggling with the quiet, but she was trying, and that was important to him.

"Are you hungry at all?"

"I can eat—you?"

"Yeah—order some Chinese or something?"

"Sure." He did not move from his position so Taylor rolled on top of him and kissed him full on the lips. "Hey."

"You know—one of us has to get out of bed to order the food."

"Well how can I get out of bed when there is this gorgeous girl in it?"

"It's a mystery." She smiled down at him and felt her heart melting for him. Be careful, Taylor told herself, you don't want to fall in love too fast. "I'll get dinner tonight." She attempted to get off of him but he just pulled her back down. "Ryan—what do you think you're doing mister?"

"Not letting you go."

"We're going to go hungry this way."

"I don't mind that so much if it means staying in bed."

"You need your energy though for tonight." She kissed him and whispered one or two dirty things into his ear. She looked back down at him and her hazel eyes glittered in lustful amusement. "You'd like that?"

"I would." It was nice dating a girl that had read the _Kama Sutra_. "And you're not paying for dinner tonight." Without warming he rolled over and had her underneath him. Before Taylor could respond, he planted a deep kiss on her lips and bounded out of bed. As she lay stupefied on the bed, Ryan picked up his phone and wandered into the kitchen. He found a menu and ordered for the both of them. It was only one week but already he knew enough about Taylor to know what she would want.

"It's going to be half an hour." He cried into the bedroom. She responded with an okay and told him to come back to bed. Ryan listened; he curled back next to her and pulled her willing form into an embrace. He kissed he neck and held her and listened to her soft breathing. With Taylor quiet Ryan let his thoughts wander. He missed his friends and was upset that he had hurt Marissa and upset Zach. Marissa had taken everything as expected; she had been hurt and stunned that she had not been chosen. Marissa had cried but had seemed to respect his decision. He wondered what would happen now: would she fight for him? Would she go into a downward spiral? Because of his decision Ryan felt himself isolated and exiled. He hated that Danny felt himself in the middle of a bad situation. He felt worse about Seth.

Summer. She was either here or on the way here. Seth had written an email, a long email, about the situation back in Rhode Island. Summer was furious with Ryan, and by extension, Seth. He too found himself in the middle of a rock and a hard place He had to support Ryan but at the same time he had to show sympathy to his girlfriend's feeling. Summer's feelings were not happy. She was furious and Seth had warned in his email that Summer was going to be on the prowl for Ryan and Taylor. She had a number of words for the two of them, and Ryan dreaded running into Summer.

"Are you okay?" Taylor's soft voice shook him out of his thoughts.

"What?"

"You seemed to tense up a little bit ago—something on your mind?"

"Summer." The words slipped out, but he didn't want to keep things from her anyways.

"She'll be around this weekend."

"And looking for us." Taylor rose and looked down on Ryan.

"I can stay away until she's gone."

"Do you want to?"

"No—not at all." She leaned down and kissed him. "I want to be at your side if she happens to find you."

"Then stick around." Taylor ran her fingers through his head.

"I will—I'm still a bit afraid of them though—Summer and Marissa. I don't know why, but I feel so insecure around them."

"You shouldn't; you're just as wonderful as either of them."

"I know—I tell myself that—but when I see Marissa or think about seeing Summer—I just get so nervous and scared. I guess it doesn't matter what you do, what happens to you in high school really does stick with you."

"They were your friends."

"No." She laughed at that. "Marissa never liked me much and Summer was only a friend for a short time—I was probably hardly on her radar and the whole time I thought of her as a best friend." She looked at Ryan. "I'm silly—don't you think?"

"No." He pulled her down and kissed her. There was a sudden knock of the door and for a moment they both feared that they had summoned Summer by talking about her. It was only the delivery boy though. Ryan and Taylor dressed and ate their meal and enjoyed each others company. They talked and laughed and as they descended the stairwell to go out for ice cream, the ghosts of Marissa and Summer had been pushed back into the foreground.

"What flavor are you going to get?"

"Peaches."

"Always with your peaches." She squeezed his hand and their eyes met and Taylor felt that was world was grand and good. Again she felt her heart continuing to melt for this man and as they walked, she held back an impulse to laugh at the wonder of it all.

"What are you going to get?"

"I don't know really." They walked the rest of the way in silence; they decided to eat there because they had been in the apartment all day. It was a wonderful time for Taylor; she was happy and every time his blue eyes were on her she felt her stomach do a little flip.

On their way back Taylor felt herself under a spell. She was lost in her thoughts, just as Ryan was lost in his. The evening and the moonlight had put a magic luster to the city and Taylor hoped that they could be lost in this world forever, happy and wandering aimlessly through city streets that she suddenly seemed not to have ever seen before.

Suddenly she felt Ryan's body jerk and tense up. Taylor shook herself from her dream and followed Ryan's eyes across the street. Summer had found them.

"Ryan." Taylor spoke softly. Of course Marissa and Summer had seen them; Taylor and Ryan watched as Marissa tried to slink away. She looked pained and crushed to see Ryan and Taylor together. Summer, however, had a score to settle. "Ryan." Taylor's voice was more urgent as Summer scrambled across the road, almost getting hit in the process.

"Atwood." Her voice was as cold as the month that was the polar opposite as her name.

"Summer." Ryan at least was determined to stand his ground. He held Taylor's hand tightly and felt the pressure as she squeezed it in fear.

"I'm so glad to run into you."

"Forget about it Summer."

"No." Taylor and Ryan could both see the anger and fury rising in her face. "I have something I want to say to you two."

"Su" Taylor began but Summer cut her off with a deadly glare.

"Shut up—don't talk."

"Summer." Ryan's voice rose; no one was going to tell Taylor to shut up.

"Please Ryan—I don't want to hear it. I think you two are both scum—you especially." Summer turned her dark eyes at Taylor. "We used to be friends, but now you're nothing but a giant whore."

"Summer." Ryan reached out to grab Summer's arm in an attempt to calm her down but before his hand could reach her arm, Summer's open fist collided with Ryan's face.

"Don't touch me—don't talk to me." Marissa had seen the hit and was on her way over to do damage control.

"Summer!" Marissa grabbed her friend and pulled her away before Ryan or Taylor could really react to any of this.

"You guys are shit—you deserve each other and you both can go to Hell."

"Summer, come on." Marissa again had to pull her friend away. She glanced back once at Ryan and as she looked at her ex-boyfriend, her face was sad. She hated to see this scene and did not like what it might mean for the Ryan, Seth and Summer dynamic.

Taylor and Ryan stood side by side, quiet. Ryan turned to his girlfriend and saw that silent tears were beginning to form. He had never seen Taylor cry or close to crying before. It unnerved him just as the past few moments had unnerved him.

"You all right?"

"Sure—I'm nothing but a giant whore with no feelings." She shook her head and laughed softly to herself. "We were dumb to not think of all this."

"Think of all what?"

"How your friends would take it—how it would affect your relationship with Summer."

"Forget about it—I'm with you." He took her hand and squeezed it; for once, she did not squeeze it back.

"I can't Ryan. Did you see the way she looked at me, the way she spoke to you?" Taylor let go of Ryan's hand and walked a few paces away. "I'm going to cause problems."

"Nothing that we can't handle." Ryan had staked everything to be with her, there was no way Taylor was just going to walk away now after he had left Marissa for her.

"You think so?" She looked at him and her eyes were filled with pain and sadness. It is was obvious to him then that she wanted to be with him as much, if not more, as he wanted to stay with her.

"I do." He reached out and she took his hand. "Smile for me."

She did smile and Ryan hoped that everything was going to be all right.


	14. Chapter 14

As Holly watched, Penelope prepared four lines of coke. The blonde from Newport watched with vague interest as she smoked her cigarette and drank her rum and coke.

"You want a line?"

"No thanks." Holly took a drag from her cigarette and smiled over at Marissa, who was rejoining them. "You look hot bitch."

"Thanks." Marissa smiled and took a seat next to Arabella. They were all dressed up for Samantha Fox's fabulous Halloween party and Marissa felt sexy for the first time in a long time in her newly purchased school girl outfit. "You look pretty good yourself." Holly was dressed as a French maid, and Arabella and Penelope were jealous that Holly, a woman who had given birth, could look so amazing.

"I know." The blonde was having fun; it was a nice escape from her husband and their two and half year old son. "I'm going to get so drunk tonight bitches."

"Yeah." Arabella and Penelope exchanged looks and Marissa offered a half apologetic shrug. This renewed friendship with Holly was a recent event. At about the same time Ryan had left her for Taylor and Summer was screaming at Seth Cohen for Ryan's behavior, Holly was becoming overwhelmed with a sense of high school nostalgia. She suddenly found that she missed her dear old friends Summer and Marissa, and had written both girls long emails to that effect. Those emails had gotten the ball rolling; Summer and Holly emailed almost daily and Marissa found herself talking to Holly quiet often and the weekend of Halloween provided to perfect way for the two old friends to get together and actually hang out and share all those margaritas that had been missed over the years.

"So tonight we finally find Marissa a new man." Arabella did not mind Holly as much as Penelope did, and so therefore found herself explaining their plan for "Operation Get Marissa Laid."

"I should find myself a new man too." What happened in Berkeley, Holly told herself and her friends before leaving Newport, stays in Berkeley. "Maybe we can find hot twins."

"Maybe." Arabella turned to Marissa. "What do you say to that?"

"I think that's a fine idea." Penelope observed that it was a fine idea to do the coke she had paid for. All the girls agreed and did their line. Marissa turned back to Holly. "Are you sure you don't want some?"

"No."

"More for us."

"No." Penelope shook her head. "Tonight is your night; finish it." Marissa laughed at that and knocked out the last line. "Good girl. Feel better?"

"Much." They giggled and Marissa rose on unsteady legs to grab herself another beer. "You guys want anything?"

"Another rum and coke?" Holly held up her empty glass and watched as Marissa walked out the room. "She seems good" Holly told Penelope as her friend disappeared into the kitchen.

"Yeah—now she is." It was over a full month since Ryan had left Marissa for Taylor and this was to be Marissa's first big outing. The girls had been surprised by how keenly Marissa had felt the breakup. At first, she had seemed fine enough about the situation; sure she hadn't wanted to rush out and go wild, but she had gone out and had seemed happy enough. The turning moment, or so Zach seemed to think, was about two weeks after the breakup when Marissa had caught sight of Taylor and Ryan sharing what seemed to be a very happy and romantic dinner together. It was almost like at that moment Marissa fully realized that she had been supplanted, and that Ryan was very happy with the choice he had made. "Ryan really fucked with her head."

"I never liked him." Holly truly hadn't; after Ryan arrived in Newport, Summer had fallen for that dork Seth Cohen, Marissa had left Luke and Holly had been driven out of that tight circle of friendship that she had once so treasured and counted on. "Marissa had such a great life before Ryan showed up."

"She's better off without him." That was the opinion that Arabella and Penelope had been trying to drive into Marissa's head since mid-September, and now it seemed that Marissa was listening.

"Here you go." Marissa bounded back into the room, her eyes glowing with excitement. She handed Holly her drink and took a seat on the couch next to the blonde. "Tonight we're all single ladies."

"Here's to that." The girls touched glasses and threw back their drinks with zest. They were just waiting for the arrival of Zach to complete their party. "And none of us are allowed to go home with Zach tonight." Arabella made a point of looking over at Marissa.

"Why are you looking at me for?"

"Please—you know how he's been looking at you lately."

"Do tell." This was something that Holly did not know about. "Zach likes Marissa?" Marissa shook her head no while Penelope nodded yes.

"Ever since jack-ass Ryan left Zach's been looking at Marissa with stars in his eyes." Arabella chuckled cruelly. "That boy is hooked."

"They're lying—he's just a friend." Marissa looked over at Arabella. "He's just been worried about me—it's sweet."

"Whatever you say." Penelope turned to Holly. "Just watch Zach tonight and tell me he's not into her."

Almost by the force of their conversation, Zach knocked at the door.

"See—Marissa has summoned him with the power of her beauty and charm." Marissa shook her head at their teasing and went to open the door.

"Hey." He smiled warmly and said hello back; as he walked past her Marissa could smell the booze on him. He too was starting early.

"Well isn't it the dear Senator's son." Holly rose from the couch and hugged him. They had been friends in high school and Holly had always been very vocal about the fact that Summer should have chosen Zach over Seth. "You've grown."

"You have too." Zach had forgotten about her raw sexuality. There was little sweet or lovely about Holly; she was sexual desire personified.

"Having a kid will make your breasts larger." Holly grinned lewdly and wrapped an arm around his waist. "What are you supposed to be today?" He was dressed in a black tie tuxedo and all the girls thought he did look very dashing.

"A head waiter."

"You're clever." Holly pulled herself away and announced that she was making final touches to her makeup, bitches.

"She hasn't changed much."

"No—she's still the same Holly."

"Having fun?" Marissa smiled and told him yes. His eyes lingered over her face longer than she liked, and remembered the teasing words Arabella and Penlope had said, turned away from Zach and sat back down.

"What took you so long?" Penelope, dressed like a sex police officer, pouted slightly. "We're already fashionably late as is."

"I ran into some friends of the way over and stopped off for a couple of drinks."

"I see." Arabella lit a cigarette and smoked and everyone sat in silence for a moment or two until Holly returned from the bathroom. "Ready bitches?" Marissa laughed and Holly chuckled, not sure if she was being made fun of.

Zach was the envy of many man, young and old, as he lead the four young women the three blocks down Pine Street to Samantha Fox's suite of rooms at the _Golden Bear Hotel_. Many people observed them as they walked, four delightfully beautiful young women, all laughing and chatting away. Zach himself felt as if he were on cloud nine. He had found himself falling for Marissa ever since her breakup with Ryan; she had appeared to him in a new light, and her suffering only increased her beauty and his desire to protect and heal it. As they walked, Marissa was at his side, and he felt his heart swell with courage as he decided, with Marissa's laughing and beaming face upon his, that tonight he would make his move, and win her. Zach knew tonight was all about finding Marissa a man, and what better person then he, a good friend?

They finally arrived at the door and made their way through the lobby to the elevator. The pretty Miss Fox, whose father was a plastic surgeon, had rented out the entire top floor and provided a large cache of alcohol. The party was by invitation only and therefore Marissa had little fear of running into Ryan or Taylor. That feeling of extreme confidence faded as the elevator worked its way up. Stranger things had happened, Marissa told herself, and she looked worriedly over at Arabella.

"What is he's here?"

"Who?"

"Ryan."

"Who cares?" The elevator stopped and the doors opened. The hallways were packed with people and as they stepped off the elevator, they were immediately approached by a large black gentleman.

"Tickets?"

"Sure." They each handed their invitations over the man, who examined each one intently.

"Have fun." The group fought their way forward towards the closest room. Marissa was at the back and Zach fell back to join her.

"I wouldn't worry about Ryan—even if he is here, which I doubt, that shouldn't ruin your night."

"I know—it's just makes me a little nervous." They pressed on silently until the reached a makeshift bar. "I could stand to see him, but I couldn't stand seeing her, or seeing him with her."

"It's a big party—even if they were here, we'd probably never run into them."

"True." Marissa's eyes now turned to the collection of liquors spread out before her. "What are you going to have?"

"Whiskey and soda."

"Make me one too." Holly had gotten her drink and now pressed up to Marissa.

"So this is college life?"

"Aren't you pissed you missed this?" Holly shrugged her shoulders; she couldn't complain about her life in Newport too much. She had been a few rowdy parties like this since she had gotten married.

"I do miss all the men though."

"Married life doesn't always agree with you?"

"Bitch are you serious?" Holly looked incredulous. "Being married is great—I go to the gym and eat lunch with my friends and go shopping every day; I never have to worry about money." Holly was a simple person, and the idea that there might be more out in the world did not occur to her; it was not likely to occur to her either.

"That must be nice."

"We just have to find you a rich man." It was almost on the tip of Holly's tongue to make a comment about Zach's family being rich, but it did not escape her that Zach was at Marissa's side with two drinks.

"Here you go."

"Thanks." She smiled at him, not knowing that each of her smiles were going straight to his heart.

"This is almost like high school." It was and Marissa liked having a female friend who remembered all the really great times before things become complicated. Marissa loved Ryan—she always would—but when he had shown up in Newport all the innocence of her life had been shattered.

"But better."

"Cheers to that." Marissa and Zach touched glasses. They drank in silence for a few moments before Holly asked what had become of Arabella and Penelope.

"They probably found another room."

"We should find them."

"I agree." Holly took Marissa by the hand and they started threading their way through the crowd.

"Wait." Zach grabbed Marissa's and held on while he followed Holly. Holly led them into the next room over, and to Marissa's pleasure, found Arabella and Penelope doing shots.

"Where did you guys go?"

"Where did you guys go?"

"Here." Arabella and Penelope downed another shot and it was obvious that they were pounding down drinks at a furious pace. "You're going have to catch up." Penelope handed Marissa a bottle of tequila.

"Give me that." Holly took the bottle from her friend and took a deep drink; Arabella cheered drunkenly. "Your turn."

"I want a shoot glass." She took the bottle and smiled in thanks to Zach as he handed her three shot glasses. Marissa poured out three drinks and handed them to Holly and Zach before giving the bottle back to Penelope. "Bottoms up."

"Bottoms up." They slammed down their drinks and held out their glasses for more tequila. Arabella was happy to play bartender.

"You're going to get so wasted tonight Marissa."

"Screw Ryan." She was feeling the effects of the alcohol already; damn her empty stomach.

"He can have that bitch Taylor." Another shot was drunk and another shot was poured out for Marissa.

"We're going to get you a very hot and very rich man tonight." Down went another shot, and another shot was poured out. They drank this one without a toast and then the three held out their shot glasses again.

"This is the last of the bottle." Penelope frowned at that.

"We'll have to find some more." Once more the tequila filled up the shot glasses.

"What should we drink to this time?"

"Marissa." Zach volunteered; Penelope and Arabella laughed outright. Holly drank hers down with a flourish and smiled at a young man who had just walked into the room.

"I like that a lot."

"Who?" Marissa turned to look and then her eyes widened in discomfort. Holly's choice of man was Danny, and with him was Nina.


	15. Chapter 15

Marissa hadn't really spoken to Nina since Ryan had left her for Taylor. There had been a phone call, not returned by Marissa, and that had been the end of it. Really, Nina's disappearance had been caused by the insistence of Arabella and Penelope, who hadn't liked Nina from the start and who had used Taylor's victory over Marissa as a way to exile Nina as well. Danny too had fallen under the same exile by his refusal to flat out ban Taylor from the apartment. Danny had argued, rightfully, that it wasn't just his apartment—it was Ryan's as well, and he couldn't very well tell Ryan not to bring his girlfriend over. Danny had further displeased Arabella and Penelope, and Marissa, by actually warming up to Taylor Townsend. Zach had seen Danny and Taylor talking in a very friendly fashion, and that had been enough for Danny to be expelled from the group. Danny never really understood why he had been suddenly blackballed by his former friends; Nina didn't really ever think about it.

"Marissa." Nina had made eye contact with Marissa just as the words "Who?" were coming out of Marissa's mouth. The dark haired girl, wearing a very tight green dress and devil horns as her only costume apparel, smiled widely as she saw her long lost friend and started walking over to them. Arabella and Penelope slid away from the scene, leaving Zach and Holly and Marissa's sides.

"Hey Nina." She hugged her friend, surprised at the warm welcome. Frankly, she half expected Nina to hold a grudge about being so quickly dropped. It seemed that that reality was from the case. "Hey." Marissa turned her eyes to Danny and she greeted him with a wan smile. He too surprised Marissa by greeting her with a warm look and a surprising hug.

"What's new with you?"

"Not a lot." Before Marissa could ask Danny what was new with him, Holly broke into their small reunion by introducing herself. Her blue eyes flickered in delight as she took Danny's hand and her grin grew large as her eyes took in his very tight and muscular body.

"Dance with me?" Danny shot a glance at Nina, who was occupied herself in trying to draw Zach out in conversation. Seeing that Nina was caught up in her own schemes already, Danny was more than happy to dance with Holly. He slid an arm around her should and led her to the dance floor.

"Your friend works fast."

"Sorry about that." Nina shrugged her shoulders; she didn't care who Danny danced with or who he went home with. She had gotten what he had wanted out of him earlier in the day, and it suited Nina just fine if he found himself another girl. It would make her hunt just the easier.

"No man of your own tonight?"

"No—the girls were supposed to help set me up." Marissa turned around and saw that Arabella and Penelope were gone. "But I've been abandoned."

"Well we'll just have to find you a man—won't we Zach?"

"Sure." Marissa could feel his eyes upon and when she turned to look at Zach, she noticed that his dark orbs were lit by more than the fire of friendship. Marissa cursed silently under her breath, hoping to God that Zach wasn't going to make a move on her.

"Is" Marissa wanted to turn the conversation away from finding men for her, but she was also scared about asking the question that was so on her mind: were Taylor and Ryan here too? Nina looked up at Marissa, her dark eyes shining from the cocaine they had done before coming over to the party. Marissa took a deep breath and summoned up the courage to hear the answer she didn't want to hear. "Is Ryan here to?"

"No." Nina reached into her purse and lit a cigarette. "They weren't invited—I mean, I got two invitations and would have brought Taylor but she never leaves his side." Nina laughed out loud. "Those two are glued together—frankly, I find it a little sickening."

"Oh." Marissa felt a little sick from the answer; it was as she wanted, Ryan wasn't there, but it didn't please her to know that Taylor and Ryan were _so_ happy with each other.

"But you want a man for tonight?" Not really listening, Marissa nodded her head. "Well let me see what I can do." Nina quickly scanned the room and then stopped right by the door way. A giant grin, one that could challenge the Cheshire Cat's, spread across her face and she turned to Marissa and told her with delicious delight that Marissa was coming with her. Before Zach or Marissa could either respond, Nina had taken Marissa by the hand and whisked her friend away to young man who had been innocently watching the crowd when Nina spotted him. He smiled as Nina approached, bearing a momentarily bewildered Marissa in her wake.

"Tom."

"Nina." He was tall and thin with sandy blonde hair and see green eyes; he looked like a surfer and Marissa, as she recovered herself, thought he was not bad looking at all. "How are you this evening?"

"I am very well thank you." Marissa could not but help to pick up on the sexual energy coming from this two. No doubt this was one of Nina's conquests.

"And who is this?"

"This is my friend Marissa." Marissa, amused by it all, smiled and held out a hand. Tom accepted it and seemed to feel a surge of electricity as he shook Marissa's. His eyes betrayed an attraction that Marissa knew she could work. "Well I leave you two to get acquainted." They watched as Nina walked across the room back to Zach, the eyes of men following her.

"So do you always get Nina to introduce you to men that way?"

"No not usually—but tell me, was it effective?"

"Very effective—I never had a chance."

"Good." Marissa turned her eyes up to him and the frankness of her look finished Tom off right then and there. Zach saw all this and cursed Nina as she approached.

"I wish you hadn't done that."

"Done what?"

"I wanted Marissa." Nina looked at her former lover and laughed out right. "What are you laughing at?" The alcohol in his body was making him feel dangerous and angry now. There was a dark bitterness growing in his heart as he watched Holly hang on Danny and Marissa flirt and prattle with Tom.

"Well if you wanted her you did a bad job of showing it." She lit another cigarette. "Why did you just stand there if you wanted her? You should have danced with her." She pointed with her cigarette towards Holly. "That blonde friend of yours certainly wasted no time in getting what she wanted."

"Holly's a slut."

"While men are always full of virtue." Nina laughed and shook her head. "I wouldn't waste much time if I were you." They both looked over to Tom and Marissa; they certainly seemed to be getting along extremely well. "I give it another minute or two before they find somewhere a little more private to continue their conversation. I know Tom—he's sweet but he moves fast."

"Fuck you." Jealous and anger were eating at Zach's stomach and the booze in his brain made him feel foolish. "You should have known." Nina only looked at him and shrugged her shoulders. It wasn't her concern.

"I don't care what you do about it." Nina walked away; she was bored by the matter and wanted to find someone fun. She adored Zach to death, but now he was dull and there was no worse sin for Nina then being dull. Zach watched her walk away and cursed her once more. His eyes now turned to Marissa and Tom. He had to separate Marissa and then tell her how he felt. She would listen; she would hear his words and want him as he wanted her. They had always gotten along, had always had a slight flirtation, and in his mind, a mutual attraction.

Zach rose to his feet and walked over to Marissa. She made eye contact with him, and thinking that he was passing by to leave, flashed him a smile. That smile caused more damage then good because Zach felt that it was her way of encouraging him. To Marissa, it meant goodbye; to Zach, it meant come compete for me.

"Hey Marissa."

"Hey." A shadow passed over her face; the words and warnings of Arabella and Penelope played back in her mind. Why had Holly abandoned her?

"Hey man." Tom held out his hand; Zach, feeling that victory was going to be his, felt that Tom was probably a first rate kind of guy, and he did not hold any grudges towards the man that had shown partiality to the woman Zach wanted.

"Can I steal you away for a second Marissa?"

"Um." She looked over to Tom, her eyes pleading for a moment. He did not see, or understand her meaning and simply shrugged his shoulders. "Sure." She turned to Tom. "I'll be right back."

They walked silently out of the room and into the hallway. Zach looked around for a private area and then took Marissa's hand when he spotted ice-machine that was clear of people.

"What's going on Zach?" She knew in her heart what was going on, and as he led her to the spot, she prepared herself for his disappointment.

"I have to talk to you."

"We could have stayed with Tom."

"No—this is important." He let her hand go and looked at her. "I" he started to say but the words suddenly failed him.

"Zach." Marissa's eyes again were pleading; she knew what was coming and she didn't want this; she didn't want to potentially hurt a good friendship. "Don't" Whatever she was going to say was silenced by his sudden and awkward assault on her lips. He kissed her, drunkenly, clumsily, and when Marissa pushed him away, she was dismayed to see anger and pain on his face. "Zach."

"I'm sorry—that was stupid of me. I didn't mean to just kiss you like that."

"It's fine—you're drunk. I"

"I like you Marissa."

"I like you too Zach—we're friends, remember?" She was about to add that she'd like to keep it that way when he told her he wanted to be more than friends.

"I know that we're friends—but I want to take it up a notch." Zach reached out for her hand but Marissa pulled it away.

"No—I'm sorry but no."

"Why not?"

"I don't like you like that Zach." Marissa's tongue too was loosened by alcohol and a few lines of cocaine. "You're sweet." He started to walk away; he felt foolish and unattractive and did not want to hear such patronizing words from Marissa. "Wait." She reached out for his arm but it was Zach that pulled away now.

"No—leave me alone."

"Zach." Marissa turned to follow him but he gave her such a look that it stopped her in her tracks. She had never seen Zach so angry before, not since the long ago days when he was competing for Summer with Seth. Marissa stood by the ice machine for another moment or two and then remembered that she had to find Tom and possibly collect Holly before she committed adultery.

Marissa threaded her way back into the room and found, to her pleasure, Holly, Danny and Tom all talking together.

"There you are. I had thought you'd run out on me."

"Hey bitch." Holly slid her body from Danny's to Marissa's side. "He's so hot." She whispered loud enough so that Danny could hear. Marissa watched as Tom and Danny shared a glance.

"Do you know everyone Marissa?" Tom was increasingly impressed by the girl.

"Sometimes I think I do." They painted a pretty scene: Holly at Marissa's side, ogling Danny; Tom and Marissa sharing increasingly lustful glances; Danny, not knowing Holly was married, imagining all the positions he'd like to get Holly into. Nina joined them shortly as well, and the tinkering laughter of those two girls reached Arabella and Penelope as they stuck their head in the room.

"Looks like they're friends again."

"Same thing with Danny."

"I wonder how Zach feels about Marissa's new boy toy?" The girls exchanged glances and laughed. They would have to find Zach and find out for themselves. It didn't take the two young women long before they found him in one of the less crowded rooms, a bottle of bourbon in his hands.

"Well Zach—aren't you the life of the party?"

"Fuck off." The girls tittered in laughter and sat down next to their friend. Penelope took the bottle away from Zach and took a long drink for herself before passing it off to Arabella.

"You want a cigarette?"

"Sure." Zach hardly ever smoked so the ladies knew something special must have happened tonight. Arabella lit one for him and placed it on his lips. "Thanks."

"Anytime." The girls pressed close up to Zach and drank while he smoked. "Can I take a guess to why you're so gloomy tonight?"

"It's your right."

"Marissa shot you down—didn't she?" Zach replied with a strong curse at Marissa. "That works as a yes—wouldn't you say?" Penelope nodded her head.

"Poor Zach—he might need some special attention tonight." Penelope kissed his neck; Arabella looked at her friend, not sure at first what game she was trying to play. Penelope shot her a look to tell her to play along; Arabella was happy to oblige. The dark haired girl too leaned over and started to kiss Zach's neck and ears.

"What are you guys doing?"

"Hush baby." They were all drunk and the girls were looking for mischief. "We'll take good care of you." Zach shook his head, half understanding what was going on.

"No—I want Marissa."

"She's not here." Arabella whispered one or two dirty things into his ear while Penelope started to nibble his other ear. "We are."

"Nina." Fact was that Nina nibbled his ear very well, and the sensation of Penelope doing the same act triggered the unfortunate memory of their rival.

"Okay." Both girls backed off; they did not want to enjoy a man whose thoughts were so obviously elsewhere. Arabella and Penelope made eye contact once again; they still wanted some sport with Zach. What else could they do? Arabella hit upon it first. "You know Nina despises you."

"What?" Zach was not so done that he did not pick up on this. He opened his eyes now and took in the image of both Arabella and Penelope, gorgeous and spiteful.

"She talks to Danny about you—she always has." This was exactly the sort of thing Penelope excelled at. Why not take down both Nina and Danny at the same time? "You should hear the stories she'd tell him about you; I've heard them on the phone together. Danny got such a laugh out of it."

"You're lying." Arabella shook her head.

"Why would we lie to you? We're your friends and they're not. You know Nina always liked Danny more then you. You might have had her first." Here Arabella twisted her face into a mocking, leering, grin. "But what really matters is who has her last."

"They're in there right now—all of them. I bet Nina and Danny are having a laugh about you and Marissa right now." Those words clinched the deal. Zach rose on very unsteady legs; he was very drunk and the fog in his brain was only punctured by the image of Danny and Nina lying in bed together, tonight, laughing about how inept a lover Zach was. Marissa had shot him down, and no doubt Nina would find that a great laugh. As Zach made his way through the hall way, towards the clear and ringing laughing voices of Marissa and Nina, Zach recalled the words those two girls had used today towards him, the way they had looked at him. He remembered Marissa's pleading eyes and Nina's scornful look and he felt idiotic, childish. He had felt something for those girls and they had nothing to give him in return. Zach imagined that they all secretly despised him, only put up with him because he had money and because he was an enjoyable target of ridicule.

Zach stumbled into the crowded room where the group stood and talked. Nina was the first one to make eye contact with him. She saw him, standing at the doorway drunk and thought he made a foolish looking figure, so earnestly looking at her and Danny, who was standing beside her. Nina turned her head and whispered something in Danny's ear; Zach heard Danny laugh and Nina turned to face Zach again. He had started walking over towards them; he did not know what he was going to do. No doubt he was just going to yell one or two inapporiate things at Nina very loudly and storm off and he was thinking, drunkenly of course, of one or two choice things to call Nina when Danny too turned and look in Zach's direction and laughed. Nina laughed with him and as she was laughing, she winked at Zach. They were mocking him, and that wink finished him off.

"You fucking whore." Zach screamed out, causing Marissa to gasp out loud and Tom to turn around in shock. Before anyone could really react to any of this, Zach had pushed Nina out of the way and thrown a wild punch at Danny, who didn't have to time to maneuver himself out of the way. The punch landed square on Danny's nose and it took him down. Holly screamed as her costume became covered in blood and then watched, for a brief moment, as Zach landed three successful blows to Danny's face.

"God damn you." Zach screamed once more and raised his first to land the concluding blow, but Zach was saved from getting his ass kicked by Tom, who grabbed Zach and pulled him off Danny, who had only been caught off guard. Sure, his nose had been broken, but Zach's drunken punches lacked strength, and Danny's counter attack would have crushed Zach.

"You son of a bitch." Tom held Zach tightly as Danny rose and looked at his former friend. "What the hell was that for?"

"You know." Zach turned his eyes to a bemused Nina. "Both of you think you can laugh at me."

"Zach." Marissa gently touched his face. "What are you talking about?"

"Nina—you." He just shook his head and stopped talking. They all stood in silent shock. The eyes of 50 or so were upon Zach and the anger and resent had worn off to be replaced by humiliation and embarrassment.

"You settled down now man?" Zach knew his night was spent. He nodded his head and Tom released him. "I'll get him home."

"No—I'm going to walk." Without another word or a backwards glance, he left. Everyone's eyes were on him and as he left the room, Samantha Fox and Mary Morison pushed past him and made their way for Marissa.

"Fights seem to follow you around."

"I know—I'm sorry." Marissa felt horrible and wanted to follow after Zach, but something told her that wasn't a good idea. "I don't know what happened."

"He was drunk." Tom shrugged his shoulders and then turned to Danny. "We should get you some ice." Danny nodded wordlessly and they started walking away. Marissa grabbed Tom by the arm as they left.

"Thank you."

"I expect coffee in return." Marissa smiled; despite everything, she at least had a

date.


	16. Chapter 16

Marissa sat in front of the Mcgovern Building and waiting patiently for Tom. True, she was early by a few minutes but the girl was truly exciting about this little coffee date. It was Monday, two or so days after the ill-fated Halloween party, and as Marissa sat and smoked a cigarette, she let her mind wander over what had passed.

Arabella had of course been pushed out of the group for her actions; neither Arabella or Penelope had expected Zach to act _so_ widely, but he had and the damage had been done. Penelope would have been pushed out too expect for the fact that she was Marissa's roommate and they had enough in the friendship bank to get through this. As it were, their relationship had become a bit icy. It was Nina who benefited the most from it all; she had been a constant companion to Marissa and Holly the previous two days. Of course Danny too was included in the activities; he was practically glued to Holly's side, a situation that made Marissa a little uncomfortable.

It was strange, Marissa thought to herself, but she hadn't really enjoyed herself all that much. Holly and Nina were great companions and drinking buddies, but there seemed to have been something missing that weekend. Maybe it was the absence of Arabella and Penelope? They had always brought out the wild streak in Marissa, and while Holly was fun, she could not compete with either of Marissa's exiled friends. As for Nina, though the girl could keep up, she had little care what Marissa did. If Marissa didn't want a drink or a line of coke, which was rare, well then there was more for Nina. Arabella and Penelope would have pushed; Nina shrugged her shoulders.

As it was, the weekend had lacked certain energy, and by not pushing herself to the utmost limits, Marissa found that she had gone through the weekend's parties with almost a clear head. It was a clear head that stumbled across words and memories that were fairly unwelcome at first. Namely, the words that Ryan Atwood had unloaded on her the night before he had left her for Taylor Townsend resurfaced in her memory. He had chided her on being stuck in neutral, for never doing anything or saying anything new or exciting. She had dismissed those words, but now, with a clearer mind and sharper perception, she noticed that there might be a word or two of truth to them.

As Marissa sat on that bench and smoked her cigarette, she was started by a realization: she truly had been bored. They always had claimed to be bored, but that had just been to be fashionable. Even if you were having fun it was good to claim to be bored because it was seen, in certain sects, that enjoyment meant that you'd never had fun before, while boredom—or at least a profession of it—meant that this type of celebration, no matter how wild or debauched—was nothing to you. It was something that you had experienced time and time again. No, Marissa did not experience this type of boredom during the passing weekend. She had really been bored at points; the fact that this was so frightened her. Was there truth then in Ryan's words? As she examined her memories closely, she found that yes, there were. She had seen the same people, danced the same dances and drank the same drinks. It was not diverting and her mind had not benefited from any of it. Maybe, she told herself, the sport was getting old.

The young woman thought about Tom. He was at least a breath of fresh air. He was a senior, a philosophy major. In their brief conversations so far she had been struck by his quick wit and by his variety of conversation. Marissa, who was an intelligent girl, felt the dust of her neglected intellect being swept away. It did not hurt matters that he was very cute and seemingly, very sweet. It almost spoke volumes—at least to Marissa—that she was meeting him for coffee instead of a drink, which is how she usually had sparked a romance with men. All in all, it was shaping up to be an interesting set of events.

And how did Ryan fit into all of this? Did Marissa miss him? She did; she was honest enough to admit that. The fact that Ryan and Taylor spent so much time with one another certainly pained her and made her jealous. What girl would not be jealous? She would lack feeling if she did not feel so. That jealously, however, Marissa hoped would fade. She did not want to challenge for Ryan; no, he had made his choice clear by picking the pretty Miss Townsend. As she lit another cigarette, Marissa hoped that Ryan was the past, and that Tom was the future.

That past, or at least one who was connected to it, suddenly had come within view. Taylor, who worked in the philosophy department, had just come out of work when she had stopped cold. There, sitting "like Patience upon a monument," was Marissa Cooper. Marissa, however, was not "Smiling at grief," as the old master wrote it, but rather smiling in the serene comfort of feeling that one's life was turning towards a sunny direction. Taylor had not laid eyes upon Marissa since that ill-fated day when Summer had yelled at her, and the sight of her old rival unnerved her. Marissa had once been described to Taylor by Lindsay Gardner as the most intimidatingly beautiful ex-girlfriend ever, and Taylor could not help but agree with the redhead.

"Oh boy." Taylor remembered the scene with Summer very well and did not want to cross paths with Marissa. She know a bit about Marissa's character and felt that it was unlikely that she would yell and scream at Taylor; however, Taylor was a nervous girl, and her imagination threatened for a moment to run wild. "Deep breath." She would cross her path. There was nothing she should worry about, Taylor told herself as she began to walk. She was Ryan's woman now, and she felt confident enough in her position at that moment to at least risk an evil eye from Marissa. Also, Taylor was vain and weak enough to wish to parade her loveliness in front of a defeated rival.

Without showing she knew Marissa to be before her, Taylor began to walk in front of Marissa's field of view. The sun was upon Taylor, streaking freckles of sunlight through her auburn locks, and if Tom had been there to witness the scene, he would have declared Taylor the prettiest creature in Berkeley. He was not, but Marissa was and as she passed from her inner world to the outer world of reality, she caught sight of Taylor and smiled. The good impressions of the day were on her, and she was feeling friendly.

"Hey Taylor." Though Marissa's voice was warm, her words stopped Taylor cold and made her stomach churn nervously.

"Hey." Taylor turned around and smiled at her defeated foe. "How are you?"

"Pretty good—you?"

"Fine thanks." Fabulous would have been a truer, yet, in Taylor's mind, crueler answer. "Just keeping busy with school."

"And with Ryan I hear."

"Yeah—Ryan too." She checked her tongue as it was about to break into a ramble. Truthfully, Taylor would have liked to have had Marissa's confidence in the matter of dating Ryan Atwood. There were so many questions she wanted to ask the tall blonde about him, but as she looked at Marissa, she found that she could not. Still, even with Ryan by her side, she found that she was frightened and intimidated by Marissa Cooper and her seemingly easy beauty. "Ryan's Ryan."

"Oh?" She didn't really know what Taylor meant by that. "How is he?"

"Good—pretty good I guess."

"You guess?" Marissa smiled and that smile made Taylor feel miserable for a moment. She felt, as no doubt Marissa did too, that Marissa was in charge of this conversation. "Don't you know?" She laughed, with good humor, at Taylor.

"Yeah—he's good—busy. Really busy with school."

"I wonder how you guys manage to see each other so much then."

"We manage." Was she being made fun of? She didn't know. All she knew she wanted to get away from Marissa as soon as possible. "I have to run."

"Take it easy." Marissa saw her nervous she made Taylor, and stored that information away in the back of her mind. "Say hi to Ryan for me."

"Sure—bye." Marissa watched as Taylor sulked away and then laughed to herself. True, she didn't have any interest in going after Ryan, but it was enjoyable to nettle Taylor at little bit. Didn't she, Marissa thought to herself, have that right at least?

These pleasurable thoughts were interrupted by Tom.

"Who was that pretty young thing I just saw run away from you?"

"Someone from high school."

"An old friend?"

"No—not really—we just have a mutual friend."

"I see." He watched as Marissa lit a cigarette; he shook his head as she offered him one. "So did you see Holly safely away yesterday?"

"Yes; she left last night."

"And no doubt Danny was heartbroken."

"No doubt." She laughed. "I think he might have been sad for a moment or two, but he recovered."

"Did you figure out if anything happened?"

"Yes—Holly has broken one of the Ten Commandments." Tom raised an eyebrow in mock horror.

"Did Danny know he was also committing adultery?"

"No—Holly kept that fact hidden. It won't matter much; Holly will go back to her husband and Danny will find himself a new woman in a day or two."

"Or go back to Nina."

"Yes—but I doubt Nina's ever really out of the picture." Marissa rose from the bench and they started walking towards the coffee chart by one of the dorms. They were so occupied with each other that they missed Taylor hiding behind a tree. "Nina and Holly were both impressed by Danny's broken nose."

"And how is your friend Zach?"

"I think his ego and self esteem is more bruised and broken then Danny's nose." They stopped at the cart and ordered their coffees. Marissa thanked him with a pretty smile. "He feels very bad about it all."

"He made a good impression on me I can promise you that."

"Well—Zach does aim to please." Coffees in hand, they made their way to another bench and sat down and drank their coffee in a short, but comfortable, silence. "I felt awful for him though."

"He likes you?" She nodded her head. "But he has no hope."

"None—he's a sweetheart but I just don't see him like that."

"That's good for me."

"And for me." She turned her eyes upon him and dazzled him with their beauty. For a moment she hoped that he would lean in and kiss her, but that moment passed. "I just got out of a long relationship so I don't really want a boyfriend."

"But you wouldn't mind a man paying his attentions to you, would you?"

"Not at all—if I like the look of him."

"And is there anyone whom you like the look of?"

"There might be one or two guys." Again she flashed her heartbreakingly beautiful smile on him, and it had the effect that she wanted. He leaned in and kissed her. It was a sweet kiss, with a small bit of passion to it, and Marissa liked it.

"I need to ask more girls out for coffee if it always goes like this."

"And I should say yes to more boys when they ask me for coffee if it goes like this." He grinned at her and thought her charming.

"When do you have class?"

"Half an hour. You?"

"Not for another two hours—but I have to study for an exam." Marissa frowned.

"About what?"

"French 19th century skepticism."

"Of course—sounds like the easiest thing in the world."

"Well you'd be surprised." Taylor had walked away from Marissa, hoping to get as far away as possible from the young woman, but a man's voice had arrested her progress, and she had turned around to see a good looking young man smiling happily down at Marissa. It had touched Taylor's interest, and so, instead of going off to see Ryan, as she had promised, she hid behind the closest tree and watched them for a few moments. Their conversation seemed to have friendly and enjoyable from the way they both laughed and looked at each other; and Taylor thought, to her satisfaction, that Marissa might have a man of her own.

As Marissa and Tom purchased their coffee, Taylor slipped away and then noticed what time it was. She had to get to Ryan. He was so good and so sweet, and as she made her way to his apartment, she wondered again if she made him happy. It was a constant thought that consumed her. That she was happy, there were no questions. The past month or so had been almost paradise and would have been a complete paradise except for the thoughts that sometimes surfaced to her soul. Did he truly like her? Was he happy? Was he glad that he had left Marissa?

He hadn't really given Taylor any reason for doubt; it was just that he was so damned quiet about expressing his emotions. He didn't seem to be able to say how he was feeling or what he was thinking, expect in the most banal terms. Taylor found herself increasingly falling for the man, and she did not know what really lay behind those soulful blue eyes. It would have helped to have Marissa's expertise in the matter, but somehow she doubted that avenue was open to her. As it were, Taylor's only resource was herself, and sometimes, Taylor feared, she felt that she pushed Ryan too hard.

They never fought, and he was always so sweet to her, but she could tell, that sometimes, her small worries, concerns and insecurities about his affections for her annoyed Ryan. Her neurosis, she imagined, might have been a charming change for Ryan at first, but now she was being to suspect that her neurosis had the power and ability to annoy and frustrate him. No, they had never fought, but Taylor's affections for Ryan were so strong that she did not want to be the cause of any unease.

She found Ryan in a good humor. When he answered the door she noticed that his blue eyes lit in excitement.

"Hey Taylor." He kissed her on the lips and she felt the butterflies fluttering around once again. Whenever he kissed she felt almost like swooning a little, and she wondered if he knew that power that his lips had over her. It was better, she told herself, that he did not.

"Sorry I'm late."

"You are?" He looked at his watch. "I didn't realize."

"Well I'm glad to know I was missed." She pouted, half playfully and half seriously.

"Sorry." Ryan held up a graduate school application. "Just lost track of time I guess." It was an application to Stanford; so far, Taylor had not seen an application to Berkeley. It was on the tip of her tongue to ask about that when Ryan asked what had held up her.

"I ran into Marissa."

"Oh." This had his attention. "How was she?"

"Fine—very nice I guess."

"She ask about me?"

"Yes." Her hazel eyes were upon him, trying to determine why had had asked such a question. "She said hello."

"Oh." Ryan seemed to be thrown by the fact that Marissa had made an appearance in their little world; he sat back down and looked at the application, seemingly trying to proof read it. Taylor walked over to him and ran her fingers through his hair.

"How does that make you feel?"

"How does what make me feel?"

"Marissa saying hello."

"I don't know." He looked up at her hazel eyes, knowing she wanted more of an answer. "I guess it's good that she was friendly and nice."

"Yeah—I know." She looked down on him in silence, wanting to knowing something but dreading to hear the answer. "You miss her?"

"I." He looked up at her and felt it did do to lie. There was no point; he didn't want to be with Marissa and wished, once again, that Taylor realized he was very happy with her. "I do miss her—she was part of my life for a long time."

"She has a new man." It was a petty answer and Ryan ignored it.

"Then I'm happy for her." He seemed to be happy for her, and it eased Taylor's mind for a moment.

"I'm sorry." She slid her body next to his and kissed his neck. "I didn't mean to come across like a bitch."

"You didn't."

"I did—it is good that she has a new guy and we should be happy for her."

"You were jealous."

"Maybe a little." They made eye contact with each other and they both laughed at the obviousness of Taylor's little lie. "Maybe more then a little."

"Taylor." He kissed her long and passionately. "How can I convince you that I want you?"

"This is a good start." He kissed her again and she again was left breathless. As they kissed and as Ryan carried her to his bedroom, her mind, which was fairly occupied with lust and pleasure, still had a small citadel of matter that was screaming for words, and not just actions.


	17. Chapter 17

"I am so full." The _Royal Palm Hotel_ was famous in Berkeley because it had one of the best restaurants in the state of California, and the restaurant was known through the city of Berkeley to have some of the best steaks around. Ryan had just partaken of one of those steaks, and he could not eat another morsel.

"No room for dessert?"

"None." Taylor laughed and flashed him a dizzying smile.

"Do you care if I get some coffee?" He nodded his consent and watched wordlessly as she looked over the coffee and dessert menu. Even though his face betrayed nothing, Ryan's blue eyes watched her in silent amusement and affection. She was lovely, and she looked extremely lovely on this evening. "What are you thinking?"

"What do you think I'm thinking about?"

"That you want to share some cake with me."

"No—I'm thinking of something nicer than that."

"Oh?" Taylor raised an eyebrow. She was enjoying herself and as she returned back to the menu, she felt his eyes upon her. The two glasses of champagne she had had at dinner made her feel warm and giddy; this entire evening had made her feel giddy and Taylor's heart, which had been crumbing for a long time before this, was in major danger of completing surrendering to Ryan Atwood.

"Do you want to know what I was thinking?"

"Yes." Her hazel eyes were upon him; it was rare that Ryan was so anxious to share his feelings.

"That you look very beautiful tonight." She smiled prettily but was a small bit disappointed. She wanted to know more from him, but found that penetrating that mind of his was a difficult task. She had never thought it would be so tough; she knew Ryan to be a quiet man, but never had she expected him to be so complex.

"If you think flattering me will get me to share dessert with you then you are mistaken."

"I thought you wanted to split something?"

"Well a girl can change her mind; besides, I think _crème brulee_ sounds delightful and I don't want to share it."

"Suite yourself." Their waiter came over to if the pretty young couple wanted anything; Taylor placed her order and they sat for a moment or two in a comfortable silence. It had been very easy to talk about things at first. Of course they were getting to know each other more then, and Ryan had found himself being able to talk to Taylor in ways that he and Marissa had seemingly forgotten. The brightness and excitement of it all had lasted through the rest of September and through the first few weeks of October; slowly however, as it always does, they found their ability to hold long and meaningful conversation slowly dying. They had passed through the world of getting to know each other and had entered into a deeper and more intimate world of inner feelings.

For Ryan, this world meant coming into contact with Taylor's inner world of philosophy and psychology and French society. It also brought him more in contact with the world of her insecurities and deep seeded psychological fears. That she had abandonment issues were clear. Her relationship with her mother and father were awful to say the least, and Ryan privately feared—greatly feared—his interactions with Taylor's mother.

That Ryan felt sometimes isolated from Taylor's inner world was troublesome to him. What was equally troublesome to Ryan was Taylor's attempts to lay siege to Ryan's inner world. Marissa, Lindsay and Sadie had all realized that there were parts of Ryan Atwood that they could not pin down; he was a quiet man who struggled to share his feelings and those girls had realized that forcing the situation would only make the matters worse. Marissa had learnt this lesson more fully while in college together. For Taylor, who proclaimed herself that she "hadn't meant a silence she couldn't overcome," these retreats by Ryan into his own private inner world were madding. Relationships to her were not an easy thing; in France she had dated a bit and had almost married a man, but all the affairs of the heart she had encountered had an air of desperation and fire to them that this relationship lacked.

In Ryan Atwood she saw that he was a man she could truly love, with a deep love that went beyond any superficial and passing desire that pretended to be love. She had once thought she had loved a man; she had almost married him but once that veil had been lifted she had not felt at all close to love. Deep affection she had felt for sure, but not love. Now, she left she was on the very urge of love, and it excited her and scared her. She wanted to commit herself fully to it, but she did not know how he felt about her, and that was driving her crazy. Taylor wanted to push, but she did not know if it was the right thing to do simply because Ryan gave no indication what was right and what was wrong.

"Thank you for a lovely dinner." The dessert and coffee had been finished and the bill had been paid and now the pair were off to Taylor's so she could change into something more comfortable.

"You're welcome." He took her hand and squeezed it; she liked those hand squeezes. They were unpredictable and it made Taylor hope that in his heart too burnt the flame of love.

"What are we going to do tonight?"

"I don't know—what would you like to do?" She gave him a look that pretty clearly showed him what she wanted to do. He laughed and kissed her hand. "We can do that." It was clear to her that he adored her very much but Taylor asked herself, as they approached his car, if that was enough for her. Would his adoration of her match her love for him? She did not know and she feared that she might suffer greatly if her level of affection did not match his.

"Did I talk too much at dinner?"

"What?" He had been concerned for a moment about a car that had turned into his lane with turning on its turn single, and he did not catch her question.

"Did I" She laughed and shook her head; maybe the champagne was making her tongue too loose. "Never mind."

"What?"

"It's nothing." They drove on in silence for a few moments. Taylor looked over to him and gave him a pretty smile. "Doug wants to know if we can come out tomorrow night."

"We can do that."

"Yeah?"

"Absolutely." He turned to her and smiled. Privately Ryan found Taylor's friends from graduate school boring but he did not like to say so. He had made a passing comment once that he found them dull at times, and that had made Taylor nervous for days afterwards that Ryan found her dull too. Taylor thought she saw some artifice in that smile.

"We don't have to if you really don't want to."

"No—I said I'm in." There was a slight annoyance in his voice that she had picked up on lately and she did not like it. Silently she cursed at herself for being so worrisome about things, which only added to her misery.

"Okay—good. It's at _Boston's_ at eight."

"We'll have fun."

"Yeah." She wondered how badly he missed his friends. Ever since he had admitted to missing Marissa Taylor had become obsessed with the idea that Ryan was partly miserable and only spending some much time with her because he had no where else to go. His friendship in the architecture program were of only a passing nature; Ryan had placed a lot of stock in Marissa and her set, and now that she was gone and it was too late to really make headway into clichés already established within his major, Ryan found himself left to Taylor and her set.

They weren't bad people, Ryan thought to himself as he turned off the car and took Taylor's hand; it was just that he had little to talk to them about. Linguistics was foreign to him, just as his world of numbers and angles were foreign to them. There was only Taylor who could translate and navigate both worlds, but she too was out to sea sometimes when it came to architecture.

"Sounds like a party." They were making way up the staircase to Taylor's apartment, and the pair stopped cold when they reached the top step. There was a party, and it was coming from her own apartment.

With eyes wide in surprise Taylor pushed through her unlocked door and took in the scene before her: Nina, Danny and Zach sat together and drank and laughed while Sue and some other girl, whom Taylor had never seen before, passed a joint back and forth.

"What in the world."

"Taylor!" Nina's mouth curled up into a delighted smile as she saw her roommate standing at the door. "How good of you to join us." Nina rose and approached her surprised friend. "I had given up on you."

"I didn't know I was invited—or that we were having a party."

"Don't you remember—I told you about it this morning."

"I was at Ryan's this morning." Nina turned to Ryan for confirmation; he nodded his head in agreement with Taylor.

"Oh well." Nina shrugged her shoulders, forgetting about that strange fact of information. "Yes—we are having a party in the celebration of friendship between Danny and Zach."

"That's great." Danny, nor Nina, had told either Taylor or Ryan about the fight; Danny had explained his broken nose as getting drunk and falling down on his face.

"Hey man." Zach looked up at Ryan and held out a hand; Ryan took it and shook it and as Taylor watched, she considered the implications of Ryan getting friendly with his old group again. It would mean Marissa, Taylor told herself, and she remembered two days previous, and how Marissa had control of their exchange. "How's it going?"

"Good man—you?"

"Fine." Zach felt stupid. He felt not only stupid about having blackballed Ryan, but for also punching Danny in the face. "Sorry we took over your apartment Taylor."

"It's okay." There was something in her eyes that made Zach believe it was less than fine.

"Of course it's okay—why would Taylor mind." Nina retook her seat and lit a cigarette. "I must take credit for it—or some credit for it; Marissa thought it was a great idea too—we must all be friends again."

"Is Marissa here?" Taylor asked, though she was certain of the answer.

"Of course—I don't know where she went off to though."

"Probably with Arabella and Penelope." Ryan stole a glance over to Taylor and saw that a slight color had come over Taylor as she heard that words that Marissa would be about. Impulsively he took her hand and squeezed it; she turned and smiled at him with affection.

"No—they couldn't make it tonight." Neither girl was invited, but truth be told, neither girl suffered from their exile. Both Arabella and Penelope had a strong group of excellent people to spend their evenings with, so, for Arabella at least, the memories of her times with Marissa faded quickly enough.

"Too bad." Danny and Zach laughed at that.

"Hey guys." It was Marissa, returning from the kitchen with a beer and a bottle of rum in her hands. "I didn't know you were stopping by."

"We didn't know you were having a party."

"It seemed like a good night." Danny made a small amount of space for Marissa and she sat down next to him. Ryan noticed, as he stood and listened to their chatter, that Zach and Marissa were taking pains not to make eye contact with one another.

"We're just stopping by."

"No—you must stay; for a few drinks at least." Taylor looked over to Ryan, hoping to see support in his eyes. There was none; they would stay and have a few drinks. As Ryan and Taylor found seats, she told herself that she was being selfish and that she should be happy that Ryan was becoming friendly with the old crew again. Ryan took a seat down next to Danny and Zach. Nina pealed away from them and sat down next to Taylor; Marissa was occupied by a young man that Taylor had never seen before.

"I'm glad that you guys stopped by." Nina turned and looked over at the boys. "It didn't seem complete until you came back."

"I'm surprised that Arabella and Penelope didn't show up—I thought they were attached to Marissa's hip."

"No—not anymore. I thought you had noticed I was out with Marissa more."

"No—I hadn't."

"That's because you're so busy with Ryan—not that I blame you though." Nina stole a glance at Taylor's boyfriend. "He's very good looking."

"Nina." Marissa called the dark haired girl over and she left; if she expected Taylor to follow she didn't say and Taylor didn't know. Truthfully this was the last place Taylor wanted to be. She had been looking forward to a nice, quiet evening alone with Ryan. Instead, she was with a bunch of people that she either didn't know or have much in common with. Taylor looked over to Ryan, hoping that he would see how miserable she felt, but he only glanced her way and smiled at her. It was obvious that he was happy at least. She watched him fall back into easy conversation and friendship with Zach. They had been through so much together, Taylor told herself, why wouldn't they fall back into an easy friendship?

"Taylor doesn't look very happy."

"No—she looks miserable." Marissa turned her attention to Ryan, who looked far from miserable while talking to Zach and Danny. "I wonder that Ryan doesn't take her home."

"Or she demand to go home."

"I should go talk to her."

"And make her more miserable?"

"I'm not cruel."

"No—but she is frightened of you." Nina lit another cigarette and inhaled deeply. "I adore Taylor but the girl is rather dull." Again, there was no worse sin anyone could commit for Nina then being dull. Zach and Danny could be boring, when they fought over her, but she knew that more often then not they were exciting. Taylor, who never drank or smoked or did cocaine, was boring and would always be boring. Even Ryan, who was very good looking, was dull to Nina.

"Not to Ryan apparently." Marissa watched as Danny stood up and walked away, leaving Zach with Ryan.

"I'll be back." Marissa picked up her beer and slide next to Ryan and Zach.

"Hey Ryan."

"Marissa." Ryan felt suddenly awkward to have Marissa before him; Zach seemed to feel awkward as well because he soon took off. "How are you?"

"Good—nothing new really."

"Oh. Having fun?"

"Not bad." She took a drink and during the small lapse of silence, Ryan took a sidelong glance at Taylor. She was talking to Nina but she looked unhappy. "How about you?"

"Fine." She looked extremely pretty that evening and her eyes radiated with a warmth that caught Ryan by surprise. He felt a brief spark of lust past through him for her, and it was something he wanted to squash; Ryan remembered Tom, and asked about him.

"He has work tonight—couldn't make it." She was disappointed; Marissa had wanted tonight to show him off to people.

"That's too bad."

"I know—I think you'd like him."

"I'm sure." There was a pause in the conversation and Ryan felt himself compelled to ask Marissa about the strange way Zach seemed to be acting towards her.

"Oh—well I guess you can say he asked me out."

"And you said no." Marissa nodded her head. "Poor guy."

"Yes—I felt pretty bad about it." She took a sip of her beer and set it down on the floor. "I had a horrible fight with Arabella and Penelope about Zach." Marissa explained to her ex the situation behind their absence on the evening.

"I can't believe it."

"It was awful." Marissa paused for a moment and then seemed to take a deep sigh, as if she was building up the confidence to get something not very tasteful off her chest. "It must have been good to catch up with Zach." Ryan shrugged his shoulders; his blue eyes were intense on Marissa and she felt a slight blush come to her face. "I'm sorry about everything—about how we stopped talking. I didn't mean for Zach and the others to cut you off like they did."

"It hurt."

"I know. I was stupid to allow it to happen." Ryan could see she was truly sorry and he promised himself he would try to forgive her, them.

"It's okay."

"Yeah?" Her eyes were grateful. "I want—hope--that we can be friends."

"We can." He did not know how Taylor would take it, but to Ryan, there was no reason why he and Marissa shouldn't be friends. They had always been in each other's lives, and Ryan did not feel that he was in any danger of falling back in love for Marissa. "I'd like that."

"I've missed you."

"I've missed you too." Marissa flashed him a breathtaking smile and her eyes were very glad.

"You're so quiet tonight. Don't you feel well?" Nina's words interrupted Taylor's thoughts. Nina poured out two shots of rum from a bottle and passed it over to Taylor. It was the dark haired girl's plan of the rest of the evening to make Taylor a bit more of an alcoholic.

"I'm fine." Taylor looked at the shot for a moment, and then shrugged her shoulders and drank it down. She tried to smile at her friend, but she could not. She had not been listening to Nina much because her thoughts and emotions had been on Ryan and Marissa. She had seen them fall into easy conversation and had watched, with a sinking stomach, as Marissa's face had become lit into a wide and charming grin. Ryan too seemed to be happy to be talking with Marissa, and Taylor's insecurities rattled through her body as she watched.

"It's sweet that they're getting on so well together." Nina's eyes followed Taylor's and she could not but help guess what thoughts were passing through Taylor's mind.

"Yeah."

"I know Marissa was hoping for something to come out of tonight."

"She told you that?" Nina nodded her head.

"Yes—I know she misses Ryan." Taylor turned her eyes back on Ryan and Marissa and felt herself getting even sicker as Marissa laughed and gently rested her hand on Ryan's knee for a short moment. In her mind Taylor believed she was seeing Marissa's first assault on Ryan.

"I had no idea." Without another word Taylor rose from her place and walked over to Taylor and Ryan. "Hey Marissa."

"Oh hi Taylor." Marissa's eyes sparkled in the most provoking manner.

"Do you mind if I steal Ryan away for a second?"

"No—of course not." Taylor looked down on her boyfriend and told him that she wanted to talk to him for a minute.

"What's up?" She had taken Ryan by the hand and led him to her bedroom. Just as she was pushing open the door, she turned her head to look back at Marissa; she and Nina were sitting on the couch, laughing about something.

"Nothing—nothing important. Close the door behind you."

"Okay." He did as she requested and then watched as she turned around and smiled very coyly. "Taylor."

"I just thought you might be missing your 'thank you'" She pressed her body close to his and kissed him lightly on the lips. "Thank you."

"You're welcome." Her eyes were hot with a feverish desire that Ryan found off putting because of the sudden desperation he saw in those hazel orbs. "What can I do for you?"

"I." She began kissing his neck and nibbling on his ears; a small groan escaped his lips but he knew that he didn't want it, not right now. "Taylor. Baby." He pushed her away and smiled at her. "I don't think right now is the best time."

"Are you sure Ryan?" Taylor slid a strap of her dress down and smiled so seductively that for a moment Ryan wanted to forget that his stomach was full of beef and that there were people right outside his door.

"Pretty sure." He walked towards her and attempted to kiss her on the forehead, but she pulled away. "What?"

"I don't understand." There was a flash of anger that spread suddenly across her face and Ryan found himself dumbfounded; he had never seen Taylor angry in the short time they had dated.

"I want too—just not right now."

"Of course—Marissa." She had said it in a rash moment of embarrassment and bitterness; also, the champagne and the shot of rum Nina had pressed on her a few minutes earlier hadn't helped the situation either.

"I'm going to forget that you said that."

"Ryan." She had meant it as an apology but there was anger still in her face, and so Ryan took her words as a challenge.

"What—are you going to get jealous every time I look at Marissa?"

"That's not fair."

"No—neither is the way you're acting." Taylor turned from him and sat down on her bed; her miserable feelings and the bitter edge to his words made her want to cry for a moment.

"I'm sorry—I get jealous. I know I do."

"But why?"

"Because it's Marissa."

"And you don't trust me with her?"

"No—I don't know what it is but I just don't feel comfortable about her."

"I don't know what to tell you Taylor." He sat down on the bed next to her and wrapped his arm around her. "She's been a part of my life for a long time—I think she always will be."

"I guess I just have to get used to her—huh?" She smiled at Ryan, feeling a bit idiot for her anger and disappointment a few minutes earlier. "You aren't going to ask me to be friends with her?"

"No." He had to laugh about that; that was something he could not see. "You just have to trust me."

"I do trust you." As she spoke those words something caught in her throat. She did trust him; that was not the problem. The problem was that she realized, as Ryan and Marissa had sat and talked, that she loved him, and the idea of losing him was unbearable.


	18. Chapter 18

"I think I'm in love." Taylor bit her lip nervously as she spoke the words that had been playing in her head for days now. "I'm pretty sure I love him."

"That's so great." Her friend Katie thought that it was the cutest thing in the world that Taylor would love Ryan Atwood. Sure, Katie had only met Ryan once or twice, but she had thought he was a good looking and very sweet guy. "What happened?"

"What do you mean?"

"What made you realize that you loved him?"

"I don't know." She paused; she had a pretty good idea of what had happened, but Taylor was still unsure if she wanted to really tell someone about it. The last time she had been in love, her friend Cosette had talked her out of marrying Henri. She had been lucky in not marrying him, but it had also been painful for Taylor's love to be questioned and challenged. "I guess it's when I saw him with Marissa."

"The ex-girlfriend?" They were waiting in line for coffee and their conversation was put on hold as they ordered their drinks.

"Yeah—the beautiful ex-girlfriend that everyone in high school was in love with."

"What was he doing with her?" They took their coffees and paid.

"Just talking—I don't know; it was just the way she was looking at him." Taylor shrugged her shoulders. "I get jealous."

"She should know to keep her hands off of him." Katie took a sip and then narrowed her eyes. "Did you make a scene?"

"No—I thought about it but I knew it would probably make matters worse."

"I don't know about that—guys actually like it when their women fight over them."

"Well I tried to seduce him and make him forget about her."

"Did it work?" Taylor shook her head. "Do you think he's gay?"

"What?" Taylor had to laugh about that one. "No—he said he wasn't feeling well. Plus, there were a bunch of people in the apartment; it just wasn't good timing."

"Does he know about how jealous you are of Marissa?"

"Yes—he was very sweet about it; he told me that I had nothing to worry about."

"And you believe him?"

"Of course."

"And you love him?" Taylor took a deep breath and told her friend that yes, she really did. It had been nearly a week since that party at her apartment and ever since then Taylor's mind had only been consumed by the realization that she was in love with Ryan Atwood. She just wasn't in love; she was head over heels in love. Taylor had never felt this way before, and it scared her. "Do you think he loves you?"

"I don't know." That was the question that her happiness currently hung on. Did Ryan love her? Was it too soon for him to love her? It killed her that she didn't know how he felt; he was so damn quiet and close mouthed about his feelings that Taylor had very little to base her theories on. "I don't know for sure." Here her smile bloomed brightly on her face. "But sometimes, and for no reason, he'll just squeeze my hand really tightly." Taylor turned an appealing eye to Katie. "That has to count for something; right?"

"I think so—doesn't ever say how he feels?"

"Are you kidding me? Ryan isn't really the chatty type of guy."

"Why don't you loosen his tongue some?"

"I wish I could; do you know what I wish I could do?" Katie shook her head; no, she had no idea what Taylor wished she could do. "I wish I could tie him up in a chair and shoot him up with some kind of truth serum."

"Why don't you?" Taylor's friend could not help but smile.

"You don't think that's too crazy?" Taylor put down her cup of coffee; her hazel eyes lit up in excitement. "I was thinking that if I had someone else"

"No I mean why don't you try getting him drunk? Cook him a nice dinner and get some nice bottles of wine."

"That's ingenious."

"It's all up here." Katie had followed the same exact plan herself and it had worked wonders on her boyfriend at the time. "The plan really can't go wrong."

"I have a pretty good stomach for wine."

"You did spend three years in Paris; there would be something wrong with you if you didn't."

Taylor set her sites for Saturday, which was in three days. It was all rather simple, she told herself. She would invite him over for a nice romantic dinner, make sure that Nina and Marissa were miles away, and then ply Ryan with as much expensive wine as she could afford. The thought of driving down to Newport to raid her mother's rather nice collection of wine crossed her mind, but she knew she did not have the time; a shopping trip to the nearest wine store would have to do.

And what do cook? She knew Ryan was a fan of lean meat, so there was nothing Ryan liked more then a good steak. Steak and red wine and some sort of roasted vegetables: that would be the meal to get him drunk and open for seduction. Taylor would have liked to cook him something more complex, maybe something like _Coq au vin, _truthfully she did not have the experience or the confidence to try something so complicated to make. No, it would have to be a simple steak dish, and as she went shopping for the ingredients, she prayed that the beef and wine would not sap whatever erotic strength Ryan needed for the evening.

Taylor imagined the dinner and the wine to lead to Ryan's affection confession of love. Taylor smiled to herself as she pictured him saying the words and then pictured herself leaping into his sexy, strong arms. She would tease him with her lips and fingers, and just when he was ready to explode, Taylor would announce that it was time for dessert; of course dessert would have to be sensual and involve whip cream. Frankly, she was getting hot and bothered just thinking about the entire evening.

"What are you doing Saturday night?" She had gone shopping and now wanted to get Nina and Marissa out of the way before she invited Ryan over. Taylor stood in the living room of the apartment and twirled her auburn locks.

"Not sure—we're going out somewhere." Nina was smoking a cigarette and staring absently into space.

"You mean you and Marissa?"

"Probably."

"So no parties here Saturday night?"

"I don't think so." She looked over to Taylor, her mind finally starting to wonder why she was being asked so many questions. "What are you doing Saturday night?"

"I wanted to cook Ryan dinner and I wanted it to be romantic."

"I see; I'm rather surprised that you are seducing him now." Her dark eyes were on Taylor. "I thought you two were having sex from the outset."

"What? No—I just wanted to do something special for him." Nina finished her cigarette and smiled up at Taylor.

"I'll make sure that Marissa isn't around Saturday." With that taken care of, Taylor now set her sites on Ryan.

"Hey Taylor." They had started to have short coffee dates now because school was getting busy for them both and they didn't have to time to see each other daily. Ryan kissed his girlfriend on the lips and slid his arm around her waist. "I ran into Nina and Marissa a while ago."

"Oh?" Taylor was sure to hide her jealousy. "How are they?"

"Okay—Marissa actually seemed stressed and concerned about school."

"Is that unusual for her?"

"I don't think she's cared about school since freshman year."

"She's changing."

"I think so—and for the better." There was a note of admiration in his voice that Taylor didn't like but she chose to ignore it. "She said 'hello'."

"To me?"

"Of course."

"Well next time you see her, you can say 'hi' back for me."

"I will." His blue eyes seemed to regard her for a moment, to see if she was in earnest; Taylor was and as Ryan saw that, his lips spread into a grin. "Nina said you had something to ask me. She said it was very important."

"I do—and it is important." They stopped underneath an old palm tree and gazed into each others eyes for a moment. As he looked into her hazel orbs, he told himself that he had never seen a more beautiful woman before. "I want to cook you dinner Saturday night; a nice dinner."

"Is that all?" He laughed a bit and Taylor felt stung.

"I would think it's a lot." Ryan realized he had hurt her feelings and reached in and kissed her.

"I didn't mean it like that—it was just that you had me worried for a second." Ryan again laughed. "I thought you were going to break up with me or ask me if I were happy."

"And are you happy?" She took his hand again and they continued to walk.

"Very happy—are you?"

"So happy." They walked in silence and drank their coffee and as Taylor sat there, listening to Ryan talk, she felt that the words she had spoken about being happy were the truest thing she had ever said.

Taylor went to bed that night happy and in love and as the next two days past, it was almost as if she had been transported up to heaven. The world was bright and shining and even Marissa and all the jealousy she represented seemed very far away. Ryan was hers and he would let her know. She just needed to encourage him a bit, and the three expensive bottles of red wine, she told herself, would do just that.

Taylor dressed with extra care that evening. She wore a lace thong that she knew Ryan loved and a thin cocktail dress. Pearls went into her ears and around her neck; her high heels gave her confidence and the perfume she wore, a present from Cosette, had always drawn the men to her. Taylor had felt sexy before, but as she put the finishing touches to her makeup, she realized that this was the sexiest she had ever felt, and would probably ever feel.

At around 8 pm there was a knock at her door: it was Ryan. He too looked amazing, and as he stood in the doorway, Taylor felt a pulse of electric joy surge through her body as she caught his eyes admiring her with lustful approval.

"You like what you see?"

"I do." He kissed her and pulled her thin body into hers. "Very much so." His lips were on her neck and his hands were at her hips and she knew that if he kept pressing her, then her willpower would fall to pieces.

"I'm glad." She pulled away; he could not have her, not quiet yet. Taylor first wanted to secure that avowal of love from Ryan. "Dinner is almost ready."

"Good." He almost growled the words and Taylor could tell that he was already full of lust and hunger. She hoped that he was also thirsty. "What's for dinner?"

"Steak with a balsamic glaze—roasted carrots and potatoes. Lots of wine to drink."

"Sounds great."

"I hope it is." Taylor went into the kitchen and smiled in approval at the meal. It was almost finished and she was rather proud of the feast she had created. "I'm kind of nervous because I've never cooked for you before."

"I'm sure it will be great."

"Thanks." Taylor speared her vegetables to make sure they were cooked enough; they were. "In France one of my boyfriends made me take cooking classes."

"The one that wanted to marry you?"

"Yes—Henri. I didn't do very well though; the only thing I could make was tortes. I was very good at tortes for whatever reason."

"You make one for dessert?"

"I thought about making a peach torte put I decided to do something different." Taylor put on an apron and started cutting the steak. "Medium okay for you?"

"Perfect." Taylor finished cutting the meat and poured the glaze over it. She carried over the plate of meat and placed it by Ryan; he leaned forward and kissed her neck. "Thank you for this."

"You're welcome." She walked back to get the rest of the meal and as she did, she could only picture Ryan naked and on top of her. "Dinner is served." Ryan had poured out two glasses of wine but they did not meet to Taylor's approval. "You should pour out a little more."

"Yeah?"

"Absolutely." He did so and as he began to pour more wine into his own glass, Taylor took a large drink.

"Oh." He could see she was nervous; already there was a slight flush to her face. Ryan drank down his wine and set down the glass.

"Did you detect any aromas of raspberry?" He shook his head no. "How about a hint of smoky oak?"

"Can't say that I do."

"Try some more."

"I'm not a big wine drinker."

"Come on Ryan—it's fun." Taylor twirled her wine for a moment and then drank down another large amount. She eyed him keenly as he took a sip. "Have some more—you can't really tell from just a small sip."

"Sure." He took another drink, a bit larger than his last. "Yeah—I guess I taste a bit."

"It's nice. Don't you think the wine is great?" Ryan nodded his head yes. She took some more wine and as she finished off her glass, Taylor was struck by how light headed she suddenly felt. For a moment she did not understand why she might feel tipsy, but then remembered that she had not taken since around two, and was basically drinking on an empty stomach.

"The steak is good Taylor."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah." Ryan looked at her glass and noticed how low it had gotten already. "You should have some." He had been around enough drunks to know when alcohol was taking effect, and he could see it in Taylor's eyes and face that she was getting there.

"I will." Taylor cut into her steak and began eating in silence; so far the evening wasn't going exactly as planned. He wasn't getting drunk and she was. She told herself to get steady and ate a couple of pieces of meat and vegetables before pouring herself out a half a glass of wine. Ryan was still working on his. "Don't you like your wine?"

"It's good." He thought it was okay but didn't want to say because Taylor had obviously gone to the trouble of cooking and buying everything.

"Have some more." She poured out the rest of the first bottle into Ryan's glass and watched in amusement as he drank some. Taylor took a large sip herself and the wine felt warm and good as it slid down her throat into her stomach.

"It's so good."

"I know—I think we've agreed on that." They began eating silence, both feeling warm and comfortable. Taylor felt, for the first time in a long time, that she really didn't have to say anything to him. She sipped her wine and watched as Ryan ate and drank his meal. "Do you have any more steak?"

"Yeah." Taylor rose and walked into the kitchen; she was sure to hide the fact that her head was spinning slightly. "We should open that second bottle." The wine was making her tongue loose and her mind daring. Maybe if Taylor drank Ryan would feel a bit of encouragement to drink as well; Taylor was sure Marissa had used the same tactic with Ryan as well.

"Sure." He watched as Taylor set some pieces of meat on his plate and hers. He seemed to think that Taylor was okay, despite the brightness in her eyes and in her face. Ryan poured out some for himself and more for Taylor. At first he had been surprised and a little put off by seeing Taylor getting drunk, but the more wine she drank, the finer her blazing hazel eyes became. Frankly, Ryan was curious how fun Taylor would be if intoxicated. He had some pleasurable memories of a drunk Marissa, and he figured that Taylor too would become a sensual demon once the alcohol really hit her system. "Bottoms up."

"Yay." She cried out in celebration as they both took long drinks. "We should play a drinking game." The last two long draughts of wine had been extremely effective.

"Oh—what game is that?"

"_Drink_—every time I say drink, we have to drink."

"Simple and effective—I like it."

"Drink!" They both took a deep drink of their wine and Ryan watched in amusement as the wine continued to make headway with Taylor. It was through Taylor's drinking game that the second and third bottles of wine were consumed with an hour and a half period. Taylor continued to slip deeper and deeper into a state of drunken affection, and the plan of smoothing out Ryan's confession of love slipped further from her mind. The more she drank, the more her own feelings came up through her soul, and the confession that it was she that was in love, inched closer and closer to the tip of her tongue.

"Why aren't you drunk yet?" The third bottle of wine had been drunk and it was Taylor who had taken the brunt of all three bottles. The young woman could barely walk, and was relying on Ryan to get her into her bedroom.

"It must be my Atwood genes; they can withstand outrageous amounts of alcohol." He sat Taylor down on the bed and watched as she flopped down onto it.

"I should have known."

"It's okay." Taylor curled up next to a stuffed lion and said nothing for a moment. "You want to go to sleep?"

"No—you should kiss me." Ryan smiled and bent down and kissed Taylor on the forehead; he knew what she wanted but he knew she was in no shape for it. "That was nice."

"I'll give you more in the morning." She smiled and Ryan ran his fingers through her auburn locks. "I'll make you a nice, big breakfast too."

"You take such good care of me Ryan."

"I know." Taylor opened her eyes and saw Ryan looking down on her; his eyes were mixed with amusement and worry. "You drank a lot tonight."

"I wanted you drunk; I wanted you to tell me something." Her head was full of wine; she did not remember what exactly it was she wanted him to say.

"What's that?"

"I don't remember." She laughed a bit at her own foolishness and Ryan beamed back at her his own happiness. Taylor looked into those soulful blue eyes, and in an unthinking heartbeat said the words that had lay on the tip of her tongue for the past hour. "I love you Ryan."

"What?"

"I love you." Her eyes were open and she felt alert; she hadn't realized what she had said until Ryan had asked her to repeat herself. Taylor was fully aware now of what she had done, and she watched Ryan as the words began to process fully in his brain.

"Oh." He looked at her and did not know what to say or do. He hadn't been expecting this; no, this was a shock. He knew that Taylor cared deeply about him, but love? And his own feelings! He adored Taylor; he thought the world of her and felt that one day, he could love her, but now? Certainly not. Love was not something that came quickly to him, and there was a part of him, a part that he would never admit to Taylor, and did not like to admit to himself, that still loved Marissa.

"Ryan?"

"Taylor." Her hazel eyes were on him, expecting an answer. "I. I don't know what to say."

"You don't love me." He could tell from the tone that it wasn't a question.

"I care about you." Even though she was fairly drunk on wine, Ryan could see the pain, anger and embarrassment beginning to rise to the surface. "I mean—I really like you; maybe one day"

"I'm so stupid."

"No Taylor." She had risen off the bed and was walking away from him; he could tell that she was already trying to put a distance between them. Surely she wasn't going to break up with him. "You aren't stupid."

"I can't believe I just said it."

"I'm glad that you did." He tried to take her in his arms but she resisted at first. "Please Taylor." There must have been something in his voice because she allowed him to hold her. He kissed her on the forehead. "I want this to work."

"I did too."

"Don't you mean do?"

"Of course." Taylor seemed so far away at that moment that Ryan was truly terrified. He was tempted for a moment to tell her that he did love her but he knew in the very next instant that it would only make the situation worse. He wanted to be true to her.

"Do you want me to go home?" She pulled away and looked at him for a moment; her hazel eyes looked sad and lost.

"No—you can stay." They slept in the same bed that night, but Ryan felt that there was an ocean between them.


	19. Chapter 19

The morning broke early on Nina Blount. The sunlight cut through Danny's bedroom window and snatched her out of her sleep.

"Damn." She cursed and threw the blanket over her face. "Damn damn damn."

"What?" Danny was awake now too. "What's wrong?"

"I'm awake."

"So am I." He yawned deeply and rose from the bed. "What time is it?"

"Too fucking early." It was nearly 10 am, but they hadn't gotten to bed until about 4.

"Why did you wake up then?"

"The stupid sun." With exaggerated annoyance, Nina threw the covers off her body and rolled out of bed.

"You don't have to go you know." Nina laughed as she put her bra and panties on.

"You aren't going soft on me are you?" She looked down on Danny, who just smiled and shook his head.

"Never. Maybe I wanted a second go around?"

"Tonight; I do have to study."

"You care about school?"

"Once and awhile." She put her skirt and top on and grabbed her purse from the night stand. "You should try it."

"You're starting to sound like Marissa." Nina blew him a kiss and headed out of his bedroom. She paused a moment in the hallway to slip her flip-flops on, and while she did, Ryan entered the apartment.

"Hey Ryan. You're up early too."

"Yeah." If Nina noticed things, which she rarely did, she would have noticed the sad, defeated and worn look on Ryan's face. His evening had not gone well. "You're leaving?"

"Yeah—bye." Without another glance Nina breezed by Ryan, leaving the blonde young man heartbroken in the hallway. He crept into the kitchen, and took a seat at the table.

"I thought I heard you." Danny went over to the fridge and poured himself out some juice. "Good night with Taylor?" Ryan didn't answer; no, his head was somewhere else. It wasn't until Danny sat down that he noticed how awful Ryan looked. "Damn dude—did you sleep at all last night?"

"No." Danny whistled and told Ryan he was lucky to have a girl who could go all night. Ryan said nothing in reply but just looked blankly at his roommate.

"Nina's got some going power too, so I don't have to tell you how hard it is keeping up." He drank some more juice and laughed. "It must be something in the water they drink over there if Taylor can go for miles too." Danny shrugged his shoulders, also oblivious of the pain written on Ryan's face. "I'm not surprised about Taylor though; she has the look of a wild cat.

"What did you say about Taylor?" Ryan hadn't really been listening; he was just reliving the disaster of that morning.

"That she looks like a wildcat." It suddenly dawned on him that Ryan looked more distance than normal; he was at least a bit more aware than Nina. "Dude—you really look like shit."

"Yeah."

"Did you really like drunk last night or something?"

"No—I" He wasn't good at expressing himself to his girlfriends; he was terrible at expressing his emotions with his guy friends. How to say it and be done with it? "We broke up."

"Dude that sucks." Danny and Ryan both realized that they were at a conversation crossroads; neither wanted to take the path leading to a heart-to-heart conversation.

"Yeah."

"Why?"

"She told me she loved me." Danny whistled at that one; he knew the rest of the story already.

"That's rough man."

"Yeah." Danny rose; expressing emotions was something that girls did. He was getting uncomfortable.

"You should come out tonight now that you're single. Nina knows a lot of girls."

"Yeah—maybe." He wasn't really listening to Danny. Ryan was in his own world of despair and everything else just seemed on mute at the moment.

"Cool—give me a call or something." With that Danny went off to shower and start off his day.

Nina found an equally crushed Taylor back at the apartment.

"I broke up with him." She had been crying since the moment Ryan had left, a face full of pain.

"Poor dear." Taylor was lying on the couch, her face awash in tears. "Why on earth did you do that?"

"He doesn't love me." Nina stroked her hair for a moment and then frowned. "You love him?" She watched as Taylor wordlessly nodded. "And you told him?" A yes again. "You pretty little fool."

"What?"

"You never tell a man that you love him—not until he tells you first." Love in general was distasteful to Nina, but she recognized it was an argument that would go over the girl's head.

"But Ryan doesn't tell me anything—I have no idea what he's thinking—ever."

"He likes you."

"How do you know?"

"I can see with my own two eyes how he looks at you." Nina wanted a cigarette and a drink; all this talk was bringing her down. "Why did you break up with him anyway—just because he doesn't love you?"

"Yes." To Taylor it was obvious. "I felt so stupid; you don't know how embarrassing it was."

"It's better then crying your eyes out." Nina sighed deeply; it was like being with a child. "It's obvious to everyone—except maybe you—that Ryan cares about you a lot; besides, it's only been like a month or so. How can you expect anyone to have fallen in love so quickly."

"I love him."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes." This got a rise out of Taylor; she pulled away from Nina and was looking at her, her hazel eyes wide with feeling. "I do love him."

"I don't believe you—I mean, I think you feel strongly for him, but it isn't love—or it shouldn't be love."

"Why not? I love him and I blew it."

"Please." This conversation was becoming annoying. "It's very easy; just call him up and tell him you made a mistake." Taylor shook her head.

"I was so cruel to him this morning; you should have seen how hurt and angry he was." The memory brought fresh tears and heartbreak to Taylor; she began crying in earnest once more. Nina could only shake her head.

"You're a little fool." She stood up and left Taylor on the couch, crying. After she had showered and dressed, Nina still found Taylor on the couch. She had become quiet now. "You're a sweet girl Taylor, but you act like a boy-crazy fourteen year old." She looked down on her roommate, whose eyes were closed but obviously was listening. "You can do what you want—but if you don't call him and tell him you're sorry, then you're an idiot."

"I messed it up too much—I pushed him away." Nina shrugged her shoulders and left the apartment without another word. The day was turning out to be a promising one, at least where mother-nature was concerned. A warm breeze was blowing softly through campus and there was nary a cloud in the sky to be seen.

"Nina." It was Marissa; they were both on their way to get some food from the cafeteria.

"Hey. You off to get something to eat?"

"Yeah. Where did you disappear to last night? You were with Mary one minute and then the next she tells me you vanished."

"I went home with Danny." They gave their campus ids to be scanned and grabbed trays for the lunch buffet. "How late did you stay?"

"We stayed out until 2. I ended up spending the night at Tom's."

"How was it?"

"Not bad—he's a sweet heart but he snores."

"That's pretty awful." The girls were silent as they loaded up their trays with food and then took their seats. "I almost forget to tell you something."

"I love gossip—is it juicy?"

"I think you'll get some enjoyment out of it."

"Give it to me." Marissa put down her sandwich in anticipation of the news.

"Well it turns out that Taylor and Ryan broke up."

"What? No way." This was a bit shocking, seeing how she knew that Ryan and Taylor had made romantic plans for the night before.

"Yeah—it turns out that Taylor told Ryan she loved him, and that he didn't return the favor." Despite herself, a smile crept over Marissa's face and a surge of electricity passed through her body.

"I don't believe it---I figured those two were head over heals for each other."

"Apparently not." Nina nibbled on her sandwich while she looked at Marissa.

"What is it? Do I have mustard on my face?" Marissa picked up a napkin but Nina only laughed.

"No—I just wanted to see what your reaction was—where the ground lay so to speak."

"Now that Ryan is single?"

"Exactly."

"He broke up with me—for Taylor. The only thing I feel is smug satisfaction."

"That he doesn't love her?"

"That she broke up with him." That wasn't entirely true; she did feel a bit bad for Ryan, who was probably in some pain right now. She also felt, but would never tell Nina this, a bit of excitement that Ryan was single once more. She would always love him, just as she was sure he would always love her. It was a comforting idea that Ryan couldn't love Taylor because a bit of feeling were tied up with Marissa.

"You're a cruel woman Marissa Cooper."

"The cruelest." They touched glasses in a mock celebration of cruelty and talked of other matters.


	20. Chapter 20

Marissa was on the move. She had overslept and missed her morning class, and in consequence, everything she had been doing up until this point had been on fast-forward. It was a little past noon on Monday; Thanksgiving break was three weeks ago and she, like most students, was starting to loss focus on all the exams and papers that were due before the holiday.

Her cell phone rang but she ignored it; she had just picked up a coffee and was on her way to the library to get the work done she supposed to have done before her early morning class. Everything was out of whack now, and she desperately wanted to correct the situation. What a difference a month made! In the final days of her relationship with Ryan, she had not really cared about school. It was not high on her priority list—really never had been—but ever since her break up, her mind had been more focused, sharper. No doubt some of the things Ryan had said to her had stuck. What had she told him? That she—and her friends—had never grown up? That they were just wasting their life away with parties and drinking? She had been too angry and upset at first to listen to his words, but as time had passed, the words had sunk in. It was like a cloud had lifted, and now a glimmer of sunlight was shining through.

Her phone rang again, disturbing her thoughts. It was Summer. Summer was convinced that Seth was going to propose to her over Thanksgiving break, and ever since the girl had caught wind of the idea—she had seen a pamphlet in Seth's apartment—she had been obsessing over the idea ever since. Marissa knew if she answered the phone she'd be locked in an hour long conversation about color schemes and table decorations; and normally she loved those sorts of chats, but today it was go-go-go.

Marissa was in sight of the library as she passed another coffee cart and a number of benches; suddenly, the tall blonde stopped dead in her tracks. Someone, in the corner of her eye, had arrested her attention. It was like a clap of thunder on a cloudless summer day, unexpected and totally engrossing.

"Ryan?" She turned and faced her former lover. He sat there, seemingly lost in thought. He looked up to her and blinked away his thoughts.

"Hey Marissa." His half smile faded, and in its wake, a small sadness, subtle but real.

"What are you doing there?"

"What do you mean?" Why would anyone sit on a bench?

"I mean—you looked like you were lost—or in a daze or something." She gave him a wide grin, to show she did not mean to accuse him of insanity.

"Oh—just thinking." He rose, as if to escape Marissa; it was almost like he saw her as a mirror that reflected, through her hurried and upbeat nature his own despondent self. "I have to run."

"Hey—wait a second. I want to talk to you!" There was something winning in her tone—she wasn't sure if she meant her tone to be so charming and warm herself, but once she had adopted that tone, however accidentally, she choose to go with it.

"What about?"

"I heard about Taylor."

"Yeah." That same touch of sadness on his face; it was a vague demoralized look that she had seen herself many a time. When Lindsay had gone Ryan had worn that countenance for many days.

"I'm sorry." He half smiled his thanks and sat down, showing himself willing to talk. She sat down next to him. He watched, half aware, as she smoothed down her skirt and crossed her long legs. "What happened?"

"Didn't you here?"

"I heard the Nina version."

"What is the Nina version?"

"That Taylor told you she loved you—that you didn't say it back."

"Yeah." He laughed; it was a hollow laugh—grim and humorless. "She got it about right."

"You hurt her."

"And she hurt me."

"Very much?"

"Very much." He told Marissa that Taylor had broke his heart just as much as he had broken hers.

"She know that?"

"Yes." Marissa asked him if Taylor had called him. He shook his head. She hadn't called all weekend and he hadn't either.

"She might be too embarrassed."

"Why should she be embarrassed?"

"You rejected her Ryan—Taylor's a sensitive girl and I don't think she deals well with rejection."

"I didn't mean to reject her."

"So you don't love her?" No—he didn't. Did he care about her? Enjoy spending time with her?

"Yes—and more than anyone."

"Yes—you should tell her that." Marissa looked down at her purse for a moment. She opened it and took out a piece of gum and offered a stick to Ryan. He took it and they both started chewing it. For a minute or two the only sound they made was the chewing and popping of the gum. "She might not want to hear it—but it's the truth."

"She's not always great about hearing things she doesn't want to hear."

"Do you think you could love her? Because if you can't—you have to end it."

"I do—I really do think I can love her—if I had the time."

"She might not give you the time?" He shrugged his shoulders—Taylor was very passionate and he didn't know how she would want to try it again. "I know how she feels though."

"You do?"

"I do." She looked him, her eyes looking sharply into his. "Don't you remember when I told you I loved you? What did you say back to me?"

"Thank you."

"Exactly—that hurt a lot." She blew a bubble of gum and then smiled when it popped. "I don't know if you are aware of this Ryan—but you aren't exactly open with your feelings." She shrugged her shoulders. "I bet it was scary for Taylor to tell you her feelings."

"She got really drunk." He laughed at the memory of her singing to him, while standing on her coffee table—the song escaped his memory. "She tried to get me drunk so I would say it."

"Poor Taylor."

"Poor Taylor." They sat in silence for a few more moments before Ryan turned to her. "Why are you trying to help out Taylor?"

"I don't know." She honestly didn't really know. "When I heard yesterday I felt a bit happy about the breakup. I mean—I wasn't trying to be a bitch but there was a small measure of satisfaction about it." Marissa searched Ryan's eyes, and she could see a bit of pain and anger rising to the surface. "I didn't want to feel that way—but I did."

"You can be a bitch."

"I know." She grabbed another piece of gum without offering another to Ryan. "But I also felt bad for you, that you were feeling pain. I don't like Taylor, but if she makes you happy, then you should be with her."

"When did you come to that conclusion?"

"Sometime last night. I was drinking with Nina and I realized I didn't want to be the girl who was vindictive and mean. I wanted you to be happy and I guess over the course of the day, that's the girl who won out. If Taylor makes you happy, be with her."

"I don't know that she wants me back."

"You should try."

"Just walk over there and get back with her?"

"Well not exactly." She smiled and smoothed out her skirt again; she noticed again that his eyes followed her movements and lingered a moment or two on her legs. "What you need to do is woo her a little. Be romantic and mushy and all that."

"Taylor likes romantic or mushy."

"But don't be cliché. I mean—don't get her a teddy bear or flowers or something." Ryan made a slight frown and Marissa laughed; how well she knew him! "I know that's what you were thinking—but try something out of the box."

"She likes poetry."

"Then write her a poem—something dramatic that will really make her notice."

"Thanks." Marissa's cell rang again—Summer again.

"Summer is going to be the death of me. I can't put this off anymore." Marissa waved goodbye and walked off, consumed in a potential wedding fashion crisis.

Ryan watched Marissa walk away and then began to think about Taylor. What is it that Sandy had told him? That he had to figure out if what kept them together was stronger then what kept them apart? Everything he had told Marissa was true. He believed her could love her if she gave him enough time. Taylor was so fun and fascinating. Even though he could always follow her down every pathway her mind took them, their journey together was interesting enough and fresh enough to keep him excited and wanting more.

He just needed a way to show Taylor that is how he felt.

Marissa had mentioned a poem, and for some reason it was an idea that really stuck with him. It would be difficult and potentially embarrassing for him, but if he could get Taylor back, it was worth it. He had been thinking a lot about Taylor lately—almost non-stop, and he really did think it was something he wanted. She was beautiful and funny, and the last month or two with her had been magical.

Ryan went home and locked himself away. As for Taylor, she had hardly stirred the entire 24 hours since the break-up. She had gone to work in the morning, but her mind was miles away. In class, where she was usually so vibrant and informative, Taylor sulked in the back-seat and blamed the tears in her eyes on being overtired and stressed. Taylor struggled home and threw on a pair of her most comfortable sweatpants. She was planning on sleeping the rest of the day away, but the ability to sleep was not in her power.

She wondered again if she should call Ryan. She had wanted to, but the memory of her avowal and his rejection of it shamed her. It burned in her mind, and when she picked up her cell-phone, the buttons on her cell phone burned her fingers and tortured her heart.

"I blew it." Nina of course was no comfort, and the harsh words her roommate had inflicted upon Taylor made the girl loath to open herself up to anyone else.

Taylor heard a knock at the apartment door, and then the low murmur of voices. Probably a friend of Nina's; no doubt they were having a tiny chuckle at her expense. That vision brought up bile and hatred in Taylor's throat, and as a silent tear fell down her face, she vowed to move out as soon as the semester ended.

"Taylor." Ryan's voice sounded from beyond her door, and for a moment she thought she was dreaming. "Taylor?" No—she wasn't dreaming; it was Ryan.

"Ryan?" She rose from her bed and went to the door. It was indeed he. "What do you want?"

"I wanted to talk to you." She opened the door all the way and walked back to her bed; he followed her. Taylor looked like a fright, Ryan thought to himself, but no doubt he did too.

"So talk."

"I'm sorry about what happened."

"Why—you didn't do anything wrong."

"I shouldn't have given you back so little."

"I was the idiot."

"And then I shouldn't have gotten so angry at you when you broke up."

"I hurt you."

"And I hurt you."

"So—what do you want to do about it? I broke up with you and you stormed off."

"I know—but I think—I want to make things work Taylor."

"How can we—I love you but you don't love m" Before she could finish Ryan pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket. He unfolded it and seemed about to read it but shook his head and instead pushed it into her hands. "What is this Ryan?"

"Read it."

"What is it?" She looked at the folded and crumbled piece of loose-leaf paper and started reading the poem out loud:

A Haiku 5 7 5 seems to tight,  
A sonnet just doesn't seem right  
But Taylor this is what I can tell you today,  
although there are three little words I can't say to you tonight,  
stick with me because I feel someday I might.*

She read it silently to herself and then turned her hazel eyes up to Ryan's. They were bright with happiness and pleasure. "Ryan—this is beautiful."

"I meant it—every word of it."

"I'll always cherish this." They looked at each other for a silent moment or two, and in their eyes every word of forgiveness was uttered that the tongue could not. Looking into his eyes, she pulled close into him and touched his lips lightly with hers.

She felt an electric shock explode up her spin as he kissed her back.

__________________________________________________________

* Thanks go to krisz on for getting me the text of the poem.


	21. Chapter 21

It was Thanksgiving Day and Taylor Townsend stared blankly into her closet. It had seemed simple to her the night before, but now the black dress and the black leather heals and the pearl necklace did not seem so obvious and brilliant.

"Fuck." She bit her lip nervously and then closed the closet door. This decision would have to wait.

"Miss Townsend?" Taylor turned around; it was the family domestic, Telma. "Breakfast is ready and your mother is awake."

"Wonderful." The hazel eyed young woman slowly crept downstairs into the kitchen. Her mother was awful when she was stressed and no doubt she would be stressed this entire day. Veronica Townsend was hosting a large dinner party for some of the most important business and civic leaders in Newport, and Taylor's presence was required.

"There you are." Veronica was waiting in the kitchen and her tone of voice seemed to imply that Taylor was a lazy bum for sleeping until 9. "I thought you were going to be in bed all day."

"I've been up since 7." Taylor poured herself out a cup of coffee and sat down. The maid Telma placed a plate with bacon and eggs in front of her.

"Since you're eating so late and so much I'll assume you're going to skip lunch?"

"This isn't that much."

"But you have gained some weight Taylor." Taylor felt the anger rising in her throat but she fought it down. Her mother, for years forgotten and for reasons unknown, was obsessed with the idea that Taylor was too fat.

"It's the campus food."

"I don't understand why you don't hire a cook." Veronica assured her daughter that all her friends' daughters were hiring personal cooks for their dorms.

"I'll look into it when I get back to school." Veronica smiled, happy to gain her victory without too much of a struggle.

"You know I tell you these things because I want you to be happy."

"I'm happy." Taylor forced a smile. She was happy, in theory, but she wasn't happy at that moment. In general though, she was happy. Three weeks previous she had gotten back with Ryan, and though she knew he didn't love her, she felt that spark of love growing in him stronger every day.

"Is that boy coming tonight?"

"You know Ryan's coming. You invited his family."

"And every other important family in the city." The Cohens and the Cooper-Roberts were all coming to Veronica Townsend's party. Taylor had had to work hard on Ryan and his family, but she had finally won them over. "Tonight is going to be my crowning achievement. Veronica Townsend will be the most important woman in the city of Newport; not even Julie Cooper can boost of getting this many people together." Taylor just smiled and pretended to be happy for her mother. In her heart of hearts she was scared out of her mind. She knew her mother did not like Ryan, or anyone in his family. She knew she hated Marissa Cooper and the entire Cooper clan. Taylor could not see any positive outcomes for tonight's events, and she feared horribly that if this evening went wrong, so too would her relationship with Ryan.

"So is everything taken care of?" Taylor was not at all subtly asking if her mother needed her help. Veronica regarded Taylor for a moment or two and then shook her head slowly.

"I can manage without you I think." There the words lay. They both had fired their shots and had finished their battle for the morning. Taylor finished her breakfast and ran back upstairs.

"I guess the black dress will be fine." She had lost the energy to give the situation any real consideration. With her fashion crisis over, Taylor sat at the end of the bed and wondered what to do with the rest of the day.

"I'm bored." Marissa rolled her eyes and looked back at Summer.

"You're always bored."

"I want to talk about the wedding." Marissa laughed and shook her head.

"Remember-no wedding talk until after New Years." The general theory was that Seth would propose on New Year's Eve. "Do you want me to revoke my promise?"

"No." Summer rolled her eyes and pretended to be angry. "I don't see what the big deal is. I mean—I have a right to be excited."

"You do—and I have a right not to hear about it 24 hours a day."

"What can we talk about then?"

"My boyfriend."

"And how Tom's not here."

"His family is important to him—I think it's sweet."

"You talk to him last night?"

"I did."

"Did you guys get dirty?" Marissa laughed and nodded her head yes. She was still enjoying herself with Tom; her brief excitement about Ryan had died as soon as she had heard that the two had gotten back together. "He's a good guy."

"But he's not Ryan." Summer seemed to be reading her thoughts. "It's going to be weird seeing him tonight."

"Don't let it be—I'm not angry at Ryan."

"So you wouldn't like it if I punched Taylor in the face?"

"No—I've told you that I have nothing against Taylor anymore. She's back with Ryan and I'm happy for them." She looked back at her reflection in the mirror and laughed. "That doesn't meant I have to like her—and I am prettier than her."

"Hells yes bitch"

"Speaking of Holly—when is she coming over tonight?"

"Six. She's bringing her husband." Summer made a face she used to make when she was child and didn't like a particular thing on her plate. "I don't understand why she has to bring him."

"I don't know. He's boring isn't it?"

"God yes. I don't know how Holly puts up with him."

"She's drunk all the time—I don't think she notices." The girls lapsed into a comfortable silence. Summer read her magazine half-heartedly while Marissa stared into her reflection and into space. "I have been thinking about Ryan lately."

"I thought as much." Summer grinned and rose out of her bed. She wasn't bored anymore. "You got a bad case of the Ryans?"

"No—not really." Marissa shrugged her shoulders and thought for a moment. "I think it's because it's Thanksgiving. Just being nostalgic I guess."

"You love him still?"

"I do—a part of me will always love him. "

"Maybe Taylor's his Zach."

"So Taylor's warming Ryan over until he realizes we should be together?"

"Or that you both realize you belong together."

"You think we belong together?"

"I don't know—sometimes I do." Other times, Summer thought to herself, she thought they both belonged in mental hospitals, but since it was Thanksgiving, she decided to be charitable.

There was a knock at their door. To their surprise, it was Holly.

"What are you bitches up to?"

"Just what you see." Holly was wearing the shortest short either girl had ever seen and a bright pink halter-top. "No offense Holly—but are you planning on being a hooker today?"

"What?" She looked down at her outfit and back at Marissa and Summer. "Do you think it's too little? I mean I changed into this because I thought it was classier."

"I really think you should wear that tonight to Veronica's party."

"God don't remind me about that. I'm going only because I have to."

"Same with me but I think Marissa wants to go so she can flirt with Ryan."

"Ill." Holly sat down on the bed next to Summer. "Forget about Ryan—I came over here because I heard that there's supposed to be some really hot guys there tonight." Holly took out a piece of gum and started chewing excitedly. "We have to be ready for tonight."

"None of us are single Holly."

"I know—but it is fun; besides, your boyfriend won't be there Marissa." Marissa assured her friend she knew. "But Summer's not serious about you and Ryan right? I mean, that's over?"

"Yes." She could see Summer trying to make direct eye contact with her, as to gather the truthfulness of that statement. She looked over at her dark-haired friend. "Yes—absolutely."

"Good—because I'm telling you that there are going to be tons of hot guys there tonight—and if you wanted to, you could totally find yourself a new guy tonight and no one would think you were bad." Holly smiled brightly. "People do it all the time." Before Marissa could interrupt, Holly's cell phone rang. She looked who was calling and rolled her eyes; "It's my stupid husband." She looked at Summer and Marissa; her blue eyes were suddenly pleading. "We can't just sit around all day—I need alcohol." So it was decided; the girls were off to have cocktails.

It was around eight when Holly arrived at Veronica Townsend's party. She wore her husband on her arm like an accessory, and she quickly discarded him, much like her 400 dollar purse, once she passed through the door. She blew him a kiss as he separated to find his own friends and business associates.

"Holly!" The pretty blonde turned and smiled; Summer waved her other from the other room. Men and women, dressed in matching serving uniforms, walked in and out of the room; their faces showed nothing. Holly, as she passed a blank faced young man, grabbed a glass of champagne and offered him a killing smile. Before he could react, she had turned away from him and glided towards her friends.

"You look so hot Summer." Her dark haired friend returned the compliment and they drank their drinks in silence for a moment. "Where's Marissa?"

"Off talking to the Cohens."

"And Seth?"

"I don't know where he disappeared to."

Holly sipped her drink; the bubbles played for a moment on her tongue before passing down her throat; she saw another cute waiter and turned to Summer. "This seems all right."

"Yeah—I don't think dinner is served until 9 but the food they have out is good."

"There's food?" Summer smiled and led her friend through two more congested rooms; suddenly Holly found herself in the cool autumn air. There was an outdoor buffet set-up with smoked oysters, clams and other shell-fish; a chef stood at a carving station slicing up pieces of roast beef and a large pot of cheese fondue was being stirred by another bored looking young man who probably wished to be home with his family and friends. Obviously Veronica Townsend had spared no expense in this celebration. As she made her way to the buffet, Holly found herself catching the eye of a young woman who was standing a good ten to fifteen yards away from the table. The young woman was dressed in a tight black dress that highlighted the young woman's rather tone and firm body. At first Holly only could see the vague outline of her face and a flaming spark—a reflection of some nearby tiki-torch—in her pretty eyes, but then the young woman moved into the slivery moonlight and Holly knew who it was—Taylor.

"Taylor's over there." Holly, as she filled up her plate with clams and oysters, darted a quick glance at Summer. "Did you see her?"

"Yeah—Ryan went over earlier to help Taylor's mom with something; Seth made me say hello."

"How was Marissa?" Holly sucked down an oyster and finished the last of her drink. As she looked around for another tray of drinks, Summer's answer passed by her and floated into the fall evening. "What did you say?" Holly had spotted a tray of martinis and grabbed two.

"Marissa can hold her own against Trailer Trash over there."

"And did she?"

"She was very polite." Summer sipped her drink. "I have to hand it Coop—I would have socked Taylor in the face for stealing my man."

"I don't think Marissa cares anymore."

"But she does." This made Holly freeze for a moment. "I know she loves him still—she'll always love him. She doesn't realize it yet."

"I thought she was happy with Doug."

"Tom—and she's fooling herself." The conversation was cut short by the appearance of Marissa. She appeared from out of the house with Ryan and Seth at her side.

"We just ran into your husband Holly—he didn't know where you were. Thought that maybe you had run off with another guy."

"I haven't seen anyone worth running away with yet." Seth laughed awkwardly at Holly's joke and Ryan cracked a false and quickly fading smile. Holly had never liked him and she knew that he had never liked Holly. "How are you boys doing tonight? Going to protect us ladies?"

"I don't think there's much to be protected from."

"There's a couple of cute guys—plus all those hotties I was telling you about." Marissa noticed a sidelong glance from Ryan that was not full of approval.

"You keep promising me them Holly—but I think you're full of shit."

"Bitch." Another tray of drinks came by them; Holly and Marissa each grabbed another martini. "These are really good."

"The ones we had at the club were better." Holly shrugged her shoulders; she didn't care much about the quality of the drink as long as they got her drunk eventually.

"You boys should have come with us." Marissa couldn't tell if her blonde friend's tone was dripping with sarcasm or genuine; it was a problem she had with Holly from time to time.

"I must have missed the invite." Marissa picked up on Ryan's tone. He was annoyed and Marissa had a good idea why he was annoyed—Holly. Why does he have to be so angry about everything? Why can't he just enjoy himself and not worry about everyone? Ryan had been fine with her, more than fine, he had seemed happy to see her.

"Maybe." Holly's blue eyes burned with a sudden fire; they were quickly distinguished as she took a sip of her drink. She eyed Ryan for a moment and then broke out in a mirthful giggle, "Why have you abandoned Taylor?"

"I wasn't aware that I had."

"She's over there looking bored." The collective eyes of the group turned to where Taylor stood, engaged in conversation with a balding lawyer. She saw their glance and waved back. Ryan and Seth waved while Holly raised her martini glass in a mock salute. "It's cruel to leave her over there."

"Bring her over Ryan—I don't want her to feel awkward around me." Marissa, thought Ryan, at least sounded sincere. As he walked over to Taylor his mind was filled with all the wonderful personal tragedies that could befall Holly. When he reached Taylor, the grin on his face was as much for Holly's demise as for the lovely Taylor.

"Hey, I was sent to fetch you." The balding lawyer said his goodbyes and as he walked away Ryan noticed that Taylor seemed a little unsteady on his feet. "How are you holding up?"

"Are you having a good time with Marissa?" Her hazel eyes were glazed over; Ryan realized, in a sudden flash, that she was not only angry with him, but possibly also drunk.

"What?" Ryan took Taylor's arm and moved them away from a couple that had just stood close to them. "Why are you asking me that?"

"You show up and hang out with me like for half an hour, and then as soon as Seth shows up with Marissa and Summer you disappear."

"Seth wanted to talk to me—you know how he is."

"You didn't ask me if I wanted to tag along." That wasn't exactly true and Ryan told her so. "Well I can't just go off with you and your friends Ryan—my mother expects me to help as hostess."

"I don't understand what you wanted me to do."

"Spend time with me. I'm your girlfriend and I'm nervous as hell." A waitress passed by them and Taylor grabbed herself a glass of champagne.

"Are you drunk Taylor?"

"No—god Ryan." Taylor drank down her champagne and laughed in delight as some spilled onto her chest. One or two streams trickled down onto her breasts and made their way down to wear her dress and flesh met. "You made me spill my drink." Ryan grabbed a napkin from a near-by plate and wiped the wine from her flesh. It glistened in the moonlight. "You should have kissed there."

"What?"

"You should have kissed me there." He looked up and her eyes were heavy with desire, but also touched with a strange sadness.

"What's wrong with you?" Ryan was scared for a moment; he had never seen her like this. "Why are you so nervous?"

"I" She faltered and she must have seen the fear pass over Ryan's face because in a flash she smiled and it seemed like it was the old Taylor again. "I don't know. I've been a nervous wreck all day." She laughed, but it wasn't an entirely joyful laugh. There was a hollowness to it that he didn't like.

"I was sent to fetch you."

"I don't really want to see them right now." Taylor took his hand; they stood silently for a moment and Ryan, as he touched her, felt an electric jolt surge through his body. He felt an overwhelming desire to be along with her, to have her. Taylor began to say something but before the words could escape her Ryan pulled her into him and kissed her long and deeply. "What was that for?"

"I just wanted to kiss you." She giggled and asked if he wanted to escape to her room for a while. He nodded yes silently; she grabbed his hand and made way through the yard and up the stairs to the patio. Veronica Townsend stood there, waiting. Her eyes were icy in the darkness.

"Where are you going Taylor?"

"I just wanted to show Ryan something."

"Well you picked a bad time to steal him away." Was it Ryan's imagination, or did she put an emphasis on the word "steal"? "They're just finishing up the dinner buffet and I need your help getting everyone over to the east wing." Veronica looked over at Ryan, and her eyes were enough to dismiss him and send him back downstairs. He gave Taylor's hand a tight squeeze and made his way back down to the others. Marissa and Seth were walking towards him.

"What was that all about?" Before Ryan could explain Veronica announced that dinner was being served in the house and instructed her guests to follow the wait staff to the dinner spread. Seth, Marissa and Ryan all followed along.

"Taylor wanted to get away for a bit but her mother intervened."

"Why didn't she want to come over?" Ryan was saved an answer by a timely complaint about Summer from Seth.

"She keeps asking why Zach isn't here. Do you think she's in love with him?"

"That's an old wound to dig up Seth." While Ryan assured Seth there was nothing in Summer's questions except a mild desire to see an old friend, Marissa was left to wonder why Taylor had failed to join them. She's scared of us—or me: it was an answer that seemed obvious enough to Marissa. No doubt Taylor didn't like any of them either, but dislike wasn't enough reason to keep Taylor at bay, at least in Marissa's mind. No—Taylor was frightened of them. She must think Ryan still loves me—or that I still love Ryan. Marissa wondered about that. Summer seemed to think that Marissa still loved Ryan; maybe she did. Marissa hadn't thought about it very much but she had a feeling that, if she did peer into her heart and dug a little, maybe she would encounter a bit of her old feelings for Ryan.

"What are you thinking about?" It was Holly. Marissa, while lost in her thoughts, must have become separated from Ryan and Seth.

"Food." Her blonde friend rolled her eyes, as she if could read her mind. They walked in silence the rest of the way until they found themselves in the two large rooms known as the Green room and the ball room. They were in the little used east wing of the house; it had been built by Taylor's father and when it was finished Taylor's father had run off with another woman and had left Veronica with a child and a large house to mock her. That much Marissa knew.

"This is a huge room." Holly sounded approving; Marissa thought the largeness was vulgar but kept her thoughts to herself. The ballroom was the second of the rooms; fist one had to pass through the Green room, which was named from the olive green paint that adorned the walls. It was half the size of the ball room, which was modeled off the London Savoy hotel, though a bit smaller and less ornate. In the center of the ball room were two large buffets spreads, full of turkeys, hams, assorted green vegetable and autumn squashes. Another table was full of more oysters, clams, lobsters and large cauldrons of soups.

"Veronica must have spent a bundle." Tables were set up around the ball room; the buffet was the center of gravity. It reminded Marissa of a wedding reception, except that everyone had to serve themselves and that the buffet wasn't isolated from everyone. Marissa and Holly caught the eye of Summer at exactly the same time. Summer had found a table for herself and Seth; to Marissa's surprise, Taylor and Ryan had joined them. Summer waved them forward.

"We kept looking for you." Summer was sitting next to Seth and she was making an effort to keep her body fully turned away from Taylor and Ryan.

"I got lost." Marissa smiled at Taylor and told her how nice everything was. She was rewarded with a thin smile from Taylor, who looked positively miserable. Her job as co-hostesses was fairly done, and now she could enjoy Ryan's company, except that Ryan had accepted Summer's invitation to join them for dinner. Ryan had felt acceptance was necessary, and besides, he knew no one else here. Marissa seemed to notice what Ryan was feeling keenly because she asked him where Sandy and Kirsten had gone.

"They said they were tired," which was to say that they hadn't been enjoying themselves. Marissa's mother and Dr. Roberts had not come at all, pleading last minute and more pressing social obligations.

"It's a shame they left so early." Ryan looked over at Taylor and was too struck by how unhappy she looked at that moment.

"Can I get you anything?"

"I'm really not that hungry." No, she hadn't eaten much, but she had drunk more than usual." Another tray of drinks passed them by and again Taylor stopped it. Martinis were secured for everyone at the table and Summer raised her glass in memories of Thanksgivings past. Was Summer mocking Taylor by bringing up days and events that she had no part of? Ryan couldn't tell—but he knew that Summer was capable of such cruelty.

"You should really eat something." It was on the tip of Taylor's tongue to say something but Holly jumped in for her.

"She can look after herself you know—she's a big girl, isn't she?"

"This is a great room." Marissa, ever the diplomat, jumped in. She didn't know why she did, but at that moment she did feel a little sympathy for Taylor.

"I hate it." Even Ryan was surprised by the force of Taylor's words. "You have no idea how much I hate this room." The cloud lay over the table, and everyone at the table showed no desire or ability to chase it away. Holly and Marissa rose and excused themselves; they were going to get food. Seth and Summer quickly followed.

"You're so upset today."

"I'm so miserable right now." She drank down the rest of her martini and Ryan was shocked to see tears forming in her eyes. "I've been so stressed all day and you don't care."

"Taylor." He took her hand and squeezed it.

"I'm being awful but I can't help it. I just feel that you aren't with me today."

"I'm trying to be." Taylor said nothing for a moment and then asked him if he would go outside with her. He nodded and took her hand. They escaped and headed outside through a small side room that had French doors that opened onto the back lawn. "Why are you so upset?"

"My mother—she can drive me so crazy sometimes." As she stood Taylor seemed to wobble a bit. How many drinks had she had that night?

"I don't think that's everything." Taylor turned away from him and peered into the darkness—after a few beats she turned back to him. Her hazel eyes seemed so large now.

"You know why I hate that room?"

"No—tell me."

"My father wanted it built because he imagined all these great things for me—I was going to be the only child and I was supposed to be his little princess." They had been holding hands but now she let go of his and walked a little away from him. She was in the moonlight now and she looked almost supernatural in the dim light. "He had it built because he imagined I would have my debut down there—a private debut and a private ball on my 16th birthday. Private debut's were fashionable then and he wanted it so large so that everyone in Newport would come out and see me—Taylor Townsend, the most brilliant young woman ever to be presented in Newport." She laughed but it wasn't a happy laugh. She was mocking herself now. "I was supposed to have a brilliant 18th birthday party too. We were going to have caviar and champagne and the finest cooks in the state were going to come for the day." She turned around and walked up to Ryan—her face was furious. "Do you know how I spent how 16th birthday? My 18th birthday?"

"I don't know."

"Crying my eyes out. I had no friends Ryan—no one cared about me and I had to hear about how much a disappointment I was to my mother—to my father." Here she raised her hands in small fists; her face put on the expression of a fighter about to go into the ring, and if it wasn't such a tragic moment, Ryan would have laughed at the image of her, almost as if she was ready to take on the world. "My father thought I was a disappointment? He left me but yet felt the right to make me feel like a failure? And do you know what? I did feel miserable because I let that bastard down. I let him make me feel small." The last words came out in a fierce howl, more of a guttural cry then a well formed sentence and to his shock Taylor was beating on Ryan with her fists. He let her beat into his chest and shoulders for a moment until it became painful. He grabbed her then and pulled her into his body. She shook as she cried; after a few moments she seemed calm again. "Do you know we all had our debut at the same time?" Ryan nodded his head; looking back, he had remembered seeing Taylor, but at the time he had not noticed her at all. "Everyone was talking about Marissa and you and Luke. It was such a struggle for me to find an escort; none of the boys wanted to be with Taylor Townsend. My father had promised me he was going to be there—god what a fight to get that promise—but in the end he didn't show up. He told me he had a pressing business matter. Do you know why he didn't make it?" No, Ryan didn't know. "He had tickets to a baseball game and he didn't want to miss it. It was his son's birthday and he couldn't miss his son's birthday." She broke out in fresh tears and he let her cry until the storm had passed. "I hate those rooms because they mock me. I felt it so much today—all day. I hadn't thought about it in years; I thought I was over all that but I guess I'm not."

"It's never easy—coming home."

"Not when you're me—Taylor Townsend." He could feel her breathing into his chest. She seemed calmer now and they stood there for Gods knows how long watching the night sky. Besides the moon, a few stars flittered in the evening sky. When Taylor spoke Ryan was surprised by how small her voice was. "You know I'm jealous of Marissa."

"You shouldn't be."

"Sometimes I think you still love her." She pulled away from him now—to see what affect her words had had.

"I don't love her anymore—not like that."

"But there's love there." She sounded bitter. She was silent for a few moments and then looked up at him. "Tell me you love me."

"Taylor." He felt so cold. "I"

"Why can't you tell me that?"

"I" He couldn't find the words. He didn't want to lie to her and as he searched his heart he knew the words would be that, a lie. "You know I'm crazy about you."

"But why can't you love me?"

"I don't know how to answer that Taylor."

"I don't think you can answer it." A figure appeared out on the lawn, calling their attention momentarily away from Taylor's heavy words.

"Ryan! Taylor!" It was Marissa. Taylor could feel Ryan's short intake of breath.

"He's over here." Taylor called out to Marissa and then turned to Ryan. "You can have him." Before he could respond she walked away from him and walked past Marissa without saying anything to the tall blonde.

"Are you guys okay? We were worried about you."

"I have no idea what's going on." He looked at Marissa and sighed deeply. "She's really upset; I should go talk with her."

"Do you want me to go with you?" He shook his head no; the two lingered on the grass for a moment. Ryan did not know why he didn't leave, nor did it seem to him that Marissa knew why she stayed either.

"I should go talk to her." Marissa nodded her head and whispered a soft yes. In the moonlight they stood, facing each other. Marissa, while she was watching him in the moonlight, smiled and laughed; she did not know why she did it, she just did. A small chuckle escaped from Ryan and as the chuckle faded into the evening Marissa did something she had no reason for doing: she kissed him, long and deep, like they had kissed in the old days. Without another word or a backwards glance, she skipped out of the lawn, and back into the house.

Ryan stood there, her taste and perfume lingering on his soul.


End file.
